8/10/2007

Giving Back

It's no secret that Mighty Dyckerson is a lover of all children. My numerous appearances on Dateline NBC should be proof enough of that. But seriously, I think it's time I gave something back to the community that has given me so much. That's why next weekend, I am hosting the First Annual MIGHTY DYCKERSON BACK-TO-SCHOOL SHOPPING SPREE! Yep, I'm going to rent a U-Haul truck, drive it into a shitty neighborhood, fill it up with poor kids, and take them shopping for FREE SCHOOL SUPPLIES! Yes, I know...I'm a terrific guy. But hey, it's the least I can do. Especially since it's not going to cost me a dime. Allow me to explain.

Our first stop will be my company's office. I'll just slip the kids in through the back door and let them steal all the office supplies they can carry. Legal pads, pens, Post-It notes, mouse pads, computers, desks, fax machines - you name it, they got it! And the kids will be learning valuable pilfering skills that they can take back with them to the hood!!!

Once the kids have all the standard school supplies, we'll be able to concentrate on the other essentials. For example, in order to stay focused in the classroom, children need to be relaxed and alert. That's why I'll be taking all of them to meet SNAKE, my DRUG DEALER! Snake will hook each one of them up with a free sample "grab bag" filled with MARIJUANA, COCAINE, LSD, CRYSTAL METH, and FLINSTONES VITAMINS. Hey, it can't be any worse than the shit schools sell in the cafeteria vending machines!!!

Obviously, it's just as important to look good as it is to feel good...so next I'll be taking the kiddies on a field trip to MIGHTY DYCKERSON'S OLDE SWEAT SHOPPE! Think of it...They'll be able to MAKE THEIR OWN CLOTHING while learning all about the exciting world of business and indstry! Their precious little hands will come within inches of GIANT CUTTING BLADES, FAST-MOVING CONVEYOR BELTS, and SCALDING HOT IRONS! Just like Disneyland, only without the long lines!!!

Next, it's important that kids know how to defend themselves in today's dangerous schools. I wish I could buy each and every one of them a hand gun, but they'll just have to settle for an hour of target practice at the DYCKERSONVILLE FIRING RANGE! Yes, once those little hoodlums squeeze that trigger and hear the deafening sound of gunfire with their unprotected ears, I guarantee they'll be SCARED STRAIGHT! They may be too poor to buy their own guns, but goddammit, they'll sure as hell respect them!!!

A day of firing weapons and making cheap clothing can make you work up a powerful thirst...so I'll be bring all the kids back to my place at Wonderland Ranch for a free round of a concoction I like to call SATAN SODA! You make it with two parts Red Bull and three parts Vodka. Come on, you know kids are going to drink anyway. They may as well do it under the supervision of a RESPONSIBLE ADULT! And don't worry, I won't let them get behind the wheel. That's because we'll be having a SLEEPOVER! I'm sure it will be a THRILLER for all of them. I know it will be for me!!!

Of course, all that booze will set me back a few bucks. That's why I will be accepting monetary donations through my PayPal account effective immediately. So please, give til it hurts. Then give a some more. We all need to do our part to help those poor little bastards!

27 comments:

Yeah Him said...

And when they get older, they can continue the trend of hassle free schooling with lots of free money that nobody will even check on to see if they completed the classes (let alone ever showed up) because once the process gets rolling, the money is pretty much coming in.

Scary Monster said...

Ya might just have a good idea here Mr. Dyckerson. Me knows of some parents who be mighty willing to leave them rug rats in yer care fer a while, even iffin they come back slightly damaged both physically and emotionally.

Ya can get the kids too make yer special line of T-shirts.

STOMP.

Stan! said...

‘good to hear you speaking out on social issues. It’s too often the case that kids emerge into the adult world pitifully unqualified for work. So a measured amount of carefully targeted help from someone like Dyck at an early age could make all the difference. You’re all heart, Mr Dyckerson.

Tyler Durden said...

Drugs, alcohol and free office supplies. They may be able to work at my office as interns. Make sure that the 17 year old girls look good too. HEY, 17 year olds will be 18 in a year.

latt├ęgirl said...

Your altruism boggles the mind, sir.

puerileuwaite said...

I shouldn't have to be the one to remind you to return the truck EMPTY. They still haven't been able to get the smell out after the last "Mighty D's Day Camp".

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-I think you should run this program for teachers. It would make my job a lot easier.

And don't forget to teach the kids how to make a Bloody Mary for the hangovers. You got vodka for it already. Also, send them back to school with a bullet-proof vest for me. I deal with a lot of discipline issues...

Willo Keays said...

As a parent I do have to express a few concerns with your Back-To-School plans. Your intent really is to not KILL the poor kids ... so can we perhaps substitute the Red Bull with Grape Koolade? After all - you want them to go down quickly - not be flying high all night long.

Nancy said...

::: Raising Hand :::

Volunteering to be a room-mother on this field trip.

Dyck!! said...

Him - Yeah, that's the American way!

Monster - Sorry, I don't do Japanese kids. They're too fucking smart.

Stan - What's this? You're being nice to me? Don't tell me Jenny rejected you so you're coming after me now!

Tyler - I don't know, 17 is a little old for me.

Latte - Did you just call me a retard??!

P - Not worth the mess. I'd rather just lose the deposit.

Blondie - Sorry, no money in the budget for vests. But I can give them all a block of wood to stick in their breast pockets.

Hushwillo - Good idea...cheaper too!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Kids love booze and guns. I have many fond memories of boozin' and shootin'.

Stan! said...

‘hate to disappoint ya there, Dyck. And on the basis of your apparent pyscho-sexual leanings,
I’d say disappointed is what you are.
But I have sworne true allegiance to the siren call of poon and to no other.Remember the Don Henley hit toon “I can't stand still”?... I think you do. Remember the line:
“….And baby, I can't stand still (while he's holding you)
I can't stand (while he's kissing you)
So we got a little problem, baby…”

That ever put you in mind of Jenny and me?

Jenny! said...

Who's your dealer??? Mine just got shot and I am looking for a new one! I think you should bring a few rich kids with too, they will feel discriminated agains if you dont! You dont want to be accused of being a racist!

Look at you and Stan playing nice...you know what would make me really happy...If you two touched each other! I could watch!!! PLEASE!!!

Christie said...

You know, my kids preschool is hiring, I think you would fit the job nicely.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Have those kids whip me up a lovely outfit while they're visiting your sweatshop, please.

Dyck!! said...

Dr. K - And that was just LAST NIGHT!!

Stan - Remember Don Henley's "You Better Hang Up" from the same album?? And though you're hotter than an oven/Just to fill her lovin' cup/If a man answers, you better hang up! Well I'm the man who'll be answering if you attempt to call Jenny.

Jenny - Hell no! But I'll let you watch me touch myself.

Christie - Do they offer a 401K?

Cherry - Sorry, we don't do turtlenecks. ;)

Pud said...

Wow! Such a giver....

Anonymous said...

alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
alcohol and drugs are a no-no
LL

Stan! said...

Well, I don't feel at all comfortable with your request, Jenny. I am a devoutly closed back-door kind of person as a rule.It seems too dirty and animal-like for my tastes, but as a good Christian perhaps I should turn the other cheek.
Dyck, on the subject of Jenny, I take inspiration from that renowned Don Henley song “ A Man with a Mission”. It goes kinda something like this (as you know full well):

“Well-a, well-a, well-a everybody tries to
Tell me
There’s nothin I can do
But I’m a man with a mission
Baby, you know its you
Its you
Man with a mission........”

They just don't write them like that any more……

Jenny! said...

That works! I do enjoy watching men spank their meat! Could you two do it at the same time...you dont have to touch each other!

Stan! said...

That does not work.Obviously, teasing the weasel while surrounded by other males and/or livestock is something Dyck has considerable familiarity with... but I draw the line,missy.

Dyck!! said...

Pud - Mother Dyckerson always told me, "Give and ye shall receive...lots of POON!"

Lindsay - Good girl. Now go back to your luxury suite in the rehab center til we call you for dinner. It's sushi night!

Stanley - Aren't you a lymie anyway? Sweet Jenny would never cross the pond for a fish-&-chip eating goon with bad teeth! Besides, I've got "Big Ben" in my pants.

Jenny - How about you come over and help me spank my meat??

Stanley - You don't have much to tease anyway.

Jenny! said...

What flavor is it?

Dyck!! said...

PORK.

latt├ęgirl said...

No, I called you Stewie. Isn't that good enough?

Dixie said...

Sounds like you got it all worked out! I'm sure the parents will be happy that they didn't have to spend their crack money on stuff for school.

Jenny! said...

Mmmmm, my favorite!