8/28/2007

Don't Laugh At Her!



Lauren Caitlin Upton
Miss Teen South Carolina


I know what you're all thinking: "Oh, look at the dumb blonde making a fool of herself! Har de har har!" I, for one, happen to agree with young Lauren. And not just because I want to get inside her evening gown. Which I do.

You see, when I was a young Dyckerson growing up in da hood, we didn't have maps. If we wanted to see the United States of Africa, we had to get in a boat and fly there. Sure, we could have just gone to a library and such, but who can find anything in those places? All the books are numbered with these diddly decimal things that nobody understands. I mean, how am I supposed to know geometry if I can't find a map in the first place??! It's a conundrumstick!

Like the beautiful and talented Miss Upton, I personally believe that we as a nation need to use our maps to educate the people of Asia and Iraq so that we Americans can be smarter. Maps are very important and colorful, like blue for the water and brown for the dirt and such. I know there is a Google map on the computer webs, but some people out there can't afford to do so. We need to educate these people and get them jobs in the Iraq.

I think some people don't like maps because they don't know how to fold them. This can be very hard, especially if it is one of those round maps shaped like a ball. I don't like the ball maps because you have to walk around to the other side to see the countries in the back. I once saw a map that had bumps on it. It was funny because the bumps were exactly where the mountains would be. I wonder if they did that on purpose and such.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I personally believe the people of Africa should be taught geology in school so that we Americans know where to find them. Only then will be all be free to share our maps with the world.

Thank you.

41 comments:

Lulu said...

Out of the reverberating silence comes the sound of Lulu clapping emphatically.

"Testify, O Mighty Dyck!"

Then, the chirp of crickets fills the quiet.

MsPuddin said...

LOL well said!

And that is exactly why I don't (can't read maps, I don't know how to fold them...

MsP

~ Stacy ~ said...

LMAO! That was absolutely beautiful, Mr. Dyckerson!

Thank you.

Tyler Durden said...

So she's not finding the cure for cancer anytime soon. I would not kick her out of bed for eating crackers, or being a fucking idiot. She's hot.

alberto vick the enema bandit said...

I believe that when i opens my underwear drawers there should be flora and fauna abound with rights, the same tights as michael vick and alberto gonzaga so don't look at cleavage too long like an eclipse it will burn your underwear drawers in a mensroom stall in some fucking airport. don't drink and drive kids.

Krissie said...

I like your programme. I'm voting for you.

Stan!! said...

As Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, I do believe the enema bandit makes a number of valid points worthy of further reflection.
Turning to maps, profound words, Mighty D. Truly profound.
Personally, I hate maps but they are a necessary evil.Go wrestle with that thought, Dyck!
*Mighty D, is that Krissie stalking you?All US states have anti-stalking laws, ya know.

Dyck!! said...

Lulu - Thank you for your support and such.

Ms Puddin - I believe we need to educate Africans and Asians on folding and how to do so.

Stacy - I am glad to have forklifted your spirits.

Tyler - Eating crackers in bed causes cancer.

Enema - Wow, those are some deep thoughts. Would you go to Iraq with me to educate the kids?

Krissie - You spell program funny!

Stan - Do not hate the maps. Without maps, how would you know where the water and dirt is? We must come together as a nation and such.

Nancy said...

This post has made me a Born Again follower of the "Mighty D"

I will promote your cause, and such.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

I wonder if she could get a deal with MapQuest as their spokesperson.

Webmiztris said...

that girl brings 'dumb blonde' to a whole new level. mario lopez looks like he's about to die of laughter after the buzzer goes off at the end....

Kadonkadonk said...

I personally think that Ms. Upton just might be a heck of a lot smarter than everyone is giving her credit for. This girl probably grew up watching Jessica Simpson and knows how far you can get acting dumb. And now look, she's been on Good Morning America, the Today Show, and Best Week Ever and not once has she acted THAT retarded. Now if only she had picked a different evening gown...

karla said...

Thank you for sticking up for dumb girls, Dyck. I have always suspected your compassion for stupid chicks was at the root of your undying love for me. Miss SC and I thank you.

sudiegirl said...

You know...I think this one of those "slinky" chicks...you know, the kind you want to push down the stairs.

*sigh* I weep for the future...

Beth said...

ahhhhhhhhhh...I should have KNOWN that you'd be talking about her! Really, she is such a sad case, son't you think? Poor thing....and now she has all this celebrity to deal with ...and endorsements..and money...

Dyck!! said...

Nancy - Thank you for doing so.

Hor - I don't think it's a good idea. I do not trust these new fangled internets and such.

Miz - Mario is just confused. The lovely Lauren dropped so much knowledge on him, he didn't know how to react.

Donkadonkadonkadonk - You make a good point. Add acting to her long list of talents!

Ms. Babble - Why are you being so nice to me? You're not pregnant again, are you??!

Sudie - When you're done weeping, make sure you send me some maps. I'm collecting for the African children.

Beth - She deserves every penny for educating our people.

Jenny! said...

Your speech has touched my heart and made me all teary! What a wonderful soul you are Dyck! Not get over here and let me map out your body with my tongue!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Holy fuck I want to party with her.

blog Portland said...

I bet if there was poon at stake, you'd transform into frickin' Magellan.

Dyck!! said...

Jenny - Awesome! When you're done, I'd like to make a map of Uranus!

Cherry - You mean you'd actually switch teams for her?

McFatty - Damn straight. I'd like to explore her nether regions.

ADW said...

So there is someone out there dumber than me. I didn't think it was possible. Now I need to lose more brain cells so I can regain the title.

Scary Monster said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scary Monster said...

Mr.Dyckerson. You ought to move to South Cornholina fer two very good reasons such as the ones that, uh, Me uh, gonna like, essplain to you now.

First it would bring you all that much closer with a girl whose poon need your particular type of ministrations and uh, well like, it would quantitatively raise the IQ level in two places at the same time.

STOMP.

the enema bandit said...

YES! let's go to fuckin Iraq and teach them gladrags and handbags! Teach yer children well their fathers hell and Marrakech Express baby! Can I drive?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

No, it would take more than that for me to switch teams. I just want to party with her. I think she'd make a good fag hag.

Dyck!! said...

ADW - I was just as shocked as you are, homewrecker!

Monster - What, and leave all the fine ho's here in Dyckersonville??

Cherry - She's too busy fighting for world peace to party.

-=StreetJesus=- said...

The world has found another champion for world peace and the poor starvin' pygmies of New Guinnea! Good one Dyck!!

Pud said...

She didn't need to answer that question. Just looking at her you can tell our education system is going down the toilet. Right behind Iraq's educational system.

andy said...

Dyck, I'm thrilled to see someone sticking up for Miss SC. I happen to think that she is eloquent, well-spoken, and beautiful as well as quite possibly legally retarded.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I'm like really offended that you would make fun of my little sister. It's not her fault that she's mentally challenged. All the blood went out of her brain after she had all that plastic surgery.

You such an asshole Dyck.

Patti said...

As a resident in the Republic of Oklahoma I can tell you that prettifulness will get you further in life AND in line for most concerts than money combined!

Furthermore, I'm tired of our Great Southern Nation stooping to importing it's prettifulness from those hispanic States like Texas when we have pretty white girls right here in the great U.S.R. of A. who would gladly tan to look more like them.

In conclusion I feel that instead of peace we should all look to find and give more piece. Sharing is caring.

thank you.

latt├ęgirl said...

You'd have my vote, but I'd need to see you in the bathing suit competition first.

Anonymous said...

Best United States Americans map EVER: http://bp1.blogger.com/_p4WcV4S1i4c/RsiWmxAc6DI/AAAAAAAAAPE/xlJUuPRl1r0/s1600-h/US_Map+1.jpg

Courtesty of the following blog:

http://nine-seven.blogspot.com/

Dyck!! said...

Jesus - Did those nail holes ever heal?

Pud - You're right, and the solution is clear: The world needs more toilets!

Andy - As opposed to illegally retarded??

Claudia - My apologies. Do you have any other sisters??

Patti - And such.

Latte - I'd like to see YOU in a birthday suit competition!

Lindsay - Here's how you post a link.

Anonymous said...

Patti is right. look at my prettifullness. I am hot and I am a winner. You are not. Too bad Boo Hoo. So soory. LL

puerileuwaite said...

Maybe she's one blonde who gets MORE coherent when she drinks. And as long as she can recently find MY pole, she can believe anything she wants. After all, she IS a "U. S. American".

Open Grove Claudia said...

I have three Dyck - would you like one?

Christie said...

Holy Jeebus, I think I was dumbed down a few hundred notches watching that bitch talk. Seriously, my kids would be much better off if I home schooled them, and that is coming from someone who barely passed geology in school.

Crunchy BC said...

I didn't even know the Special Olympics had a beauty contest.

What was her talent, eating lead paint chips?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

The map shortage in this country is no laughing matter. I had to use the buried treasure map on the back of my Cookie Crisp box to find my way to the Aldi this morning.

flic said...

Hey, she said she didn't do anything wrong. She said she misunderstood the question.

Imagine telling the jokes from that angle!? I could hardly untangle the logic. What question did she think she was asked? :)