Bowling With Pinheads

Let me preface this post by saying that I hate bowling. Why, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with inserting my precious feet in a pair of red and white rental shoes that have been previously worn by God knows how many slack jawed rednecks. Or maybe it has something to do with inserting my delicate little fingers in three dark, germ-filled holes, contorting my back into a painful and awkward position, and throwing an oily 16-pound ball down a wooden floor in hopes of knocking down ten pin-like objects.

Now that you know my official stance on bowling, you can imagine my thrill when I found out the company I work for was sponsoring a team outing to the local bowling alley. It's their little way of saying, "We appreciate the extra work you've been putting in, but we don't want to give you any actual money or time off." And because the big event was scheduled during company hours, I had no way of getting out of it.

My team was composed of three blithering idiots (myself excluded, of course). Let's take a moment and meet this all-star lineup:

Salsa Boy - This guy is a class-A douchebag and attention whore. In addition to his passion for Mexican condiments, turns out he's also a hardcore bowler. The day of the outing, Salsa Boy brought his custom-made titanium bowling ball and tote bag into the office and paraded them front of everybody. He was making such an ass of himself, I decided to have a little fun at his expense...so during lunch, I paid a visit to the Piggly Wiggly* across the street. Upon my return, I waited for Salsa Boy to leave his cube for a moment, and then I replaced his prized bowling ball with a delicious cantaloupe. The idiot didn't even realize it until we got to the bowling alley, and let's just say he was not a happy camper.

Smelly Indian Chick - You know the type. Every office has at least one, but if you're in IT, you're bound to have at least three or four. She's really petite and shy, and judging from her pungent aroma, she's not much into personal hygiene. Turns out Indian Chick had never bowled before, which took me a bit by surprise. Seems to me with all the time she saved by not showering, she would have had a chance to bowl a game or two.

Black Guy - He was actually the smartest member of the team. He faked a lower back injury to get out of playing. (You know those colored types - they always find a way to get out of doing things.) Anyway, Black Guy spent the entire afternoon swilling beer and eating greasy onion rings. Fucking bastard, I wish I had thought of that.

We all arrived at the joint at 3pm Friday afternoon. Holy shit, things have changed the last time I set foot in a bowling alley. This place looked like a fucking 70s dance club! Dim lighting, a disco ball, and multicolored chasing lights running between each lane. I think Indian Chick had a seizure, but it was too dark to tell. I was waiting for Vinnie Barbarino to come out in a white suit and juggle bowling pins. Wasting no time, we walked over to the counter to sign in.

"Give us a lane, bitch!" I told the flunkie. They like it when you're firm.

"Umm...ok, lane 13," he replied. "What size shoe?"

"Gimme a 24, you jerkoff. Where's my goddamn scorecard?" I asked.

"There are no scorecards. It's all computerized."

"Computerized??! What the bloody fuck??! I'm a data administrator, I came here to GET AWAY from computers! I want one of them overhead projector deals where I can make naughty shadow puppets on the screen! YOU STUPID SACK OF SHIT!"

I was starting to get annoyed, so I decided to take a sedative before I said something I might regret. We all headed for our lane, took a moment to smell each other's rental footwear, and grabbed our balls.

Salsa Boy decided to show us how it was done. He whipped out his titanium cantaloupe, took three steps forward, and chucked that fucker all the way down the alley...and INTO THE GUTTER. He shook his wrist and muttered something about hurting it. Please. This idiot couldn't hit a bowling pin if it was tethered to his cock.

"Hey Kingpin, you want us to put the bumpers up??" I asked with a chortle. He just grunted and sat down next to his ball.

Next up was the clueless Indian Chick. She was bowling with a 6-pound kiddie ball with a picture of Scrappy Doo on the side of it. "I do not know what to do...I require assistance please," she said in a language that sounded sort of like English.

"JUST THROW THE FUCKING BALL, POCAHONTAS! I WANNA GET OUT OF THIS FILTHY SHIT HOLE!" I explained to her calmly. As you can see, the sedative was beginning to kick in.

So she fondled her ball for a moment, and then with both hands, she swung it between her legs and thrust it down the lane. Pathetic. So pathetic, in fact, that the bitch got a fucking STRIKE! I shit you not, she knocked down EVERY GODDAMN PIN on her first roll. "Did I do goodly?" she asked.

Salsa Boy was livid. You could almost see the fumes rising from his head and enveloping the disco ball suspended from the ceiling above. I tried like hell to keep from laughing my ass off. Black Guy almost choked on an onion ring.

I was up next. I tried to aim for the center, but it was so fucking dark in there, I could barely see the damn pins. I had to look at the computer to see if I knocked down anything. Turns out I got a 7-10 split. I hadn't seen a split that wide since my night with Ms. Babble in the back seat of the DyckMobile. And much like that fateful night, my attempt to finish the job was unsuccessful.

So we continued this juvenile activity for another two hours. Indian Chick got another strike...then a spare...then another spare...then another strike...and so on and so on. I swear that little bitch must've been on the juice. Salsa Boy gave up after the 5th frame and spent the rest of the time playing Pac Man in the game room. Black Guy ate too many onion rings and ended up with a case of the squirts. I didn't clear a single frame in the whole fucking game. Did I mention how much I hate bowling??

Next month I hope we try something more relaxing. Like skydiving.

* The Piggly Wiggly across the street is actually a Wal-Mart, but Piggly Wiggly sounds funnier.


Stan! said...

Ever thought of taking up cricket?
Simply put, cricket is a gentlemans game. Unlike bowling which is a game for buffoons and histrionics, obviously.Cricket, on the other hand, requires both strength of muscle and mental agility. I am a bowler myself which means you have to think about where you pitch the ball and also about whether it should be an inswinger or an outswinger. Short or full pitch delivery, etc. There's nothing like taking a few wickets,Dyck.It's a unique game...give it a shot.

Dixie said...

I love the Piggly Wiggly. I giggle everytime I shop there. Pretty much the whole time I'm in there. I'm sure the people who work there think I'm insane. That's ok. I don't mind.

Oh and I love to bowl. Expecially when drunk. Much more fun that way.

I have my own shoes and ball. I ain't using that shit they supply for you.

puerileuwaite said...

C'mon now. Do you mean to tell us that you're NOT interested in trying to pick up the 7-10 Split? Plus it's okay to don polyester, there's oily wood involved, and you get to wear a style of shoe that is popular with homosexuals. Finally there's not only an alley, but also a gutter. What's not to like?

karla said...

That was YOU in the backseat of that car? I thought I had gotten excessively drunk and ended up with an ugly lesbian. You should wear a name tag or something.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I've been waiting for Vinnie Babarino for most of my life.

Dyck!! said...

Stan - You lymies and your strange customs. What will you think of next?

Dixie - Drunk bowling, eh? Be honest: Tellulah was conceived on the ball return at your local bowling alley.

P - Sorry, I just don't like watching men bend over and grab their balls.

Ms. Babble - Didn't you see the 'DYCK' tattoo on my left butt cheek?

Claudia - Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Jenny! said...

I hate when my fingers get stuck in the ball holes and then I end up throwing the damn thing backwards! You should see how pissed people get when that happens...you would think that the whores I bowl with would be more use to balls flying at their faces!

Scary Monster said...

The idea of squirting hand lotion into the holes of someone's bowling ball appeals to me. First there be the initial reaction that they are getting sloppy seconds, then there be the unavoidable mishaps when the ball slips offa their fingers and bounces into an adjoining lane thereby causing a ruckus. Whatching that while drinking me beer be better than spending two hours flippin through YouTube vids.


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Black Guy knows how to bowl: Eat onion rings and drink beer, and don't, under any circumstances, touch a filthy, bowling ball.

Webmiztris said...

that's what I don't like about bowling. I always feel so dirty afterwards. ;)

Dyck!! said...

Jenny - Sounds to me like you need a bigger ball! I happen to have two that I'm not using at the moment.

Monster - Good idea, only I prefer Crazy Glue. SQUIRT!

Dr. Soundliquid - That's pretty much what he does at the office too.

Miz - I hope you use protection.

Pud said...

Bowling shoes are the worst!

Hope you scrubbed your feet with acid after you came home.

Stan!! said...

Perhaps cricket would be overly-taxing on your faculties.They say croquet is a game for those who dare to dream.I am sure you would rapidly grasp the elements of a good stroke....

Krissie said...

I just love to read about people having a great time. Glad you had fun! Here's to team building and shit!

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

I hate bowling.

Most likely because I SUCK GINORMIS SWEATY BALLSACK at it.

Seriously Dyck, stand in front of your mirror and gaze upon your giant sweaty ballsack and imagine sucking at least ONE of those big ole balls into your mouth. Add a little frumunda cheese and -that's how I feel about bowling.

Jenny! said...

What color...color is very important! I prefer pink!

Christie said...

Oh, Dykie. It can't all go your way. You should have started drinking, I always bowl better when I drink. Or drop acid, because those lights would be cool if you were drugged up.

Lulu said...

To be honest, O Mighty Dyck, I can't understand why bowling isn't more popular with our Black brothers and sisters. I mean, what other activity features a large black object striking down skinny white objects with red necks?

Dyck!! said...

Pud - Yes, and I used your toothbrush.

Stan - Do you Brits ever play any games that aren't gay?

Krissie - You didn't read my post, did you?

Hor - Oddly enough, now I'm starting to like it!

Jenny - Mine are flesh colored.

Mrs. McFatty - You're my kind of woman!

Lulu - Forget what I said about Mrs. McFatty. YOU'RE my kind of woman!

Krissie said...

Of course not. I just look at the pretty pictures.

Jenny! said...

Hmmm...that will do...I can probably turn them purple!

blog Portland said...

I think this post was just an excuse to get all these women talking about your huge balls. I assume next week you'll post about hating golf so we can all comment on your shaft.

Lulu said...

Blog Portland,

Not to mention his stroke...

Mistress Empyrean said...

I'll kick your ass at Wii Sports Bowling. Work you like straight fucking welfare, bitch.

Yeah Him said...

The best thing about bowling is that it's not golf.

Dyck!! said...

McFatty - Thanks a lot. Now I have to rewrite the whole damn thing.

Lulu - That joke was not up to par.

Mistress - I don't know whether to be turned on...or frightened.

Him - Golf is bowling for snobs.

~ Stacy ~ said...

I bowl about once every three years, less if possible. But when I do go, I always bring a clean pair of socks to change into afterwards. I'm totally freaked out about how disgustingly filthy those shoes are, not to mention the balls. {shudder} GermX antiseptic hand wash is a must.

By the by... Funny post, Mr. Dyckerson. Clearly, you should take sedatives more often.

Mistress Empyrean said...

Can you legitimately be frightened of someone who ways a buck? Honestly, now!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if your workmates realise what a racist wanker you are?

I do hope someone from your company reads this so you can be summarily dismissed - or at the very least, humiliatingly reprimanded - for such an appallingly bigoted attitude.