Virginia is for Suckers

I have had it with this goddamn state. I've lived in Virginia all my life - was born here, was reared here (several times), and until recently, I figured I'd die here. But thanks to the CROOKED JACKASS POLITICIANS and their new BULLSHIT TRAFFIC FINES, I'm ready to make a move. These PINHEADED COCKSUCKERS decided to enact new legislation which penalizes DECENT, HARD-WORKING CITIZENS like myself with ridiculous "civil fines" for such MINOR OFFENSES as reckless driving ($1,050) and DUI ($2,500). WTF??! These are VICTIMLESS CRIMES, people! Sure, you could argue that reckless and drunk drivers kill...I don't know, dozens of people every year. But you know what? Maybe those people WANTED to be killed. Think about it. Who in their right mind would let themselves be hit by a drunk driver??!

The thing that has the Commonwealth so pissed off is, these exorbitant new fines DON'T APPLY TO OUT-OF-STATERS. So if TFG from Baltimore decides to plow through a school zone doing 90mph in his Pinto on the way to a gay pride parade in Florida, he gets off with a $100 fine and a slap on his limp wrist. But if I fly through the same school zone in my stylish DyckMobile on the way to choir practice, I'd be facing an ASS RAPING that rivals any I ever experienced during my 20 years in the joint.

Lawmakers claim that they're just concerned about our safety. Yeah right, and Ms. Babble is a virgin. What they're REALLY concerned about is their BIG, FAT WALLETS. Get this: The legislator who came up with this brilliant idea just so happens to be a part-time ATTORNEY who specializes in TRAFFIC LAW. He's going to CLEAN UP defending the victims of his fucking handiwork. Get the picture???!!

So I give up. I'm looking to move, and I need you to tell me where to go. I'm looking for a nice, quiet area with ample poon and a low cost of living. I'd prefer a progressive state with few or no laws of any kind. Perhaps you know of a house for sale on your block - I could be your wacky next-door neighbor!! Actually, I don't even need a house. I'd be happy with a furnished studio apartment near the bus line. As long as it's not within 500 yards of a school or day care center (long story).

Or better yet, maybe one of you could adopt me! I know 35 is a little old for adoption, but I've been told I have the brain of a 4-year-old. I'm really big into breast feeding and I'm almost potty trained. (Dixie, I hope you have plenty of extra baby wipes.)

Now which one of you assholes wants to help me move my waterbed?


puerileuwaite said...

Didn't Whorace Greeley once write, "Go West, Young Man"?

So why not give WEST Virginia a try? It's still Virginia, and - as an added bonus - it's still far enough away from the rest of us. Plus, they still ass rape the old-fashioned way.

Scary Monster said...

Come to Japan! We'll get that damned banana out of yer hand and replace it with a Ginsu. Besides iffin they let me teach here me and give up their daughters to me Monsterousness, Me be pretty darned sure that the Mightonimous particular brand of vernacular would be a welcome change.

You could even bring grandpa with you as me lives down the road from a pig farm...Got Sushi?


Dixie said...

I do have extra wipes, but my rule is once you hit three years old, you have to wipe your own ass.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck, whatever you do, DON'T move to Texas. We have far too many laws for someone like you. May I suggest Los Angeles? People of your calibur flock to the City of Angels and I think I could get you on as towel boy at the Playboy Mansion. I have connections...

ADW said...

500 feet? Here it is 1000. Sorry, you're out of luck with that unfortunate registry. How pesky!!

Maybe Canada?

Jenny! said...

You got a waterbed...I will be your momma! But if you are a bad boy and bite...I will spank you!

Patti said...

I'm not sure if we have laws here in Oklahoma since we're all nymphomaniac illiterates who marry our uncles simply because we're trying to make daddy jealous. But I can tell you the females here are incredibly loose and I mean that in every sense of the word.

Nonetheless you're welcome to strap a board to your ass and move on over. Fridays are Possum Stew nights for most....leftovers are a'plenty and we'll leave the light on.

Webmiztris said...

seriously, I think the drunk driver victims WANT to die too. because if they weren't drunk themselves, certainly their reflexes would be quicker than the drunk driver's reflexes and they'd get out of the damn way of the car barreling down on them!

tfg said...

If you think VA sucks, try MD. We have entire police departments dedicated to speeding.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - That ain't happening. I have relatives in West Virginia.

Monster - Fuck Japan. I hate foreigners.

Dixie - Please?? You have such a firm yet gentle touch.

Blondie - Has possibilities. I could room with Paris Hilton.

ADW - Damn, they're no fun at all.

Jenny - Spank me, momma...we'll make lots of waves!

Patti - Sounds like you work for the Oklahoma Board of Tourism. We may have a winner!

Miz - Precisely! Great minds think alike.

TFG - I don't doubt it. Those assholes don't give a fuck about safety. They WANT you to speed. It's called job security.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. Well, if i deem you hot enough, you have a big schlong, and you promise to drive me around maybe you can move in with me...send me your resume, photo and ALL your measurements:

Lindsay Lohan
LLRocks, Inc.
PMB 179
223 Wall Street
Huntington, NY 11743-2060

Christie said...

You've been nominated for a (few) RFS Blog Award(s). Yay!

Anonymous said...

Please ... if you select Orlando, FL as your new home .. let me know. I'll be sure to alert the authorities.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lindsay - Define "big" for me.

Christie - Wow, this is such a surprise! It's an honor just to be nominated!

Willo - Why? So they can throw me a big party?

Scary Monster said...

Spoken like a true dyed in the wool red-blooded American Dyck! Me thinks you stand a great chance of becoming President or at the very least a cult leader

karla said...

Okay, so I'm not a virgin. We can't all be like you.

RevRee said...


How dare you put a picture up of Dyck Jr. having his breakfast???

I told you not to take that picture in the first place!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Monster - Cult leader...or occult leader??

Ms. Babble - I think you made a typo there. I'm a Virginian.

RevRee - This isn't the time or the place.

Legaleagle said...

I'll help you move, but I expect shoes.

Ashley said...

Great blog! Always hilarious.

Christie said...

I don't care where you go, as long as you stay away from Oregon. We're all hippies here who drive around in our Subaru and Volvo wagons, and smoke dope while we shop for organic products. It just doesn't sound like your scene. Try Montana, I hear they don't have speed limits. They also don't have smart people there. Sounds like a good match to me.