7/03/2007

Sheer Ago-KNEE

Goddammit my knee hurts! Sunday night while out for an evening stroll, I tripped and fell flat on my ass. Well, not flat on my ass. My right knee broke my fall. Stop laughing, you motherfuckers! I scraped that fucker all the way to the bone, and it hurt like a sonofabitch! A weaker man probably would have been KILLED! But despite the agonizing pain, I dusted myself off, wiped my bloody knee with some nearby foliage, and stumbled my way back home. I'm guessing I lost AT LEAST ten gallons of blood in the interim.

It wasn't until I went in the bathroom and turned on the light that I fully realized the carnage that had besmirched me. A huge patch of skin was literally dangling beneath my exposed kneecap, hanging on by a thread. Blood was squirting out in all directions. I swear, it looked like O.J.'s house. And the pain - my God, the PAIN!!! My knee was throbbing like one of Ms. Babble's sex toys...only this one didn't require batteries. I won't lie to you, people. Thoughts of self-amputation crossed my mind. If only I had a clean butterknife at the time, my leg would now be rotting in a landfill while a flock of hungry buzzards pecked away at my flesh.

I searched the bathroom frantically for something to sterilize my wound. A bottle of rubbing alcohol, a tube of Kneeosporin, a bar of soap, tapwater...NOTHING could be found. Finally I limped to the kitchen and poured a can of Diet Coke over my gory stump. I figured the phosphoric acid in the Coke would eat away the germs and the bubbles would aerate the wound. Then I grabbed a dirty napkin from the waste receptacle and affixed it to my knee with several large strips of duck tape. Satisfied with my first aid techniques, I retired for the night.

When I awoke the next morning, my knee was on fire. Bolts of pain ran up my leg, through my groin, around my nut sack, and all the way up to my medulla oblongata. I tried to remove my bandage, but by this time the filthy napkin had fused with my knee. Fortunately I happened to have a pair of rusty kneedlenose pliers on my nightstand. I reached for the pliers, grabbed on to the one loose corner of the blood-soaked napkin, and YANKED IT OFF with all my might. I passed out for eight more hours.

By Monday night, me knee was literally pounding. The bleeding had subsided, but had now been replaced with a layer of clear liquidy glaze atop my ruptured knee. I had to constantly dab it with toilet paper to keep the puss from oozing down my leg and into my shoe. I began to contemplate suicide.

Here it is Tuesday, and my knee is still THROBBING and POUNDING and PULSATING. At this point I can no longer tend to myself. Please, I beg of you. If you give a damn about the future of The Mighty Blog, you need to GET THE FUCK OVER HERE and HELP ME!!! Jenny, I need you to come by every two hours and change the dressing on my stump. Make sure you wear the skimpy nurse's outfit I sent you. ADW, bring me a pot of chicken soup and pour it down my pants thrice daily. Webmiztris, stop by the liquor store, pick me up a bottle of Jack, and serve it to me with a flexible straw. Oh, and I'm definitely going to need some physical therapy to get back on my feet...so Blondie, I need you to come by every day and massage my bad leg. And while you're here, you can massage my third leg as well. McFatty, I'll need you to scrub my toilet. Finally, I need Willo to videotape the whole thing for my reality show. The rest of you can keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

That should cover it. Before I go, I want to share with you a picture of what used to be my knee. A word of caution: This is NOT for the squeamish. So if you are prone to squeaming, I suggest you stop here. You have been warned...

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Horrible, isn't it?? As you can see, my knee was practically SEVERED IN HALF by the impact with the ground. And no, this isn't Photoshopped. That's my REAL KNEE, in all its gory detail. Now how about showing me a little fucking SYMPATHY here??!

29 comments:

tfg said...

You know, you might want to consider kneepads when you're under the boss's desk.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Hmmm, that is nasty. I think you should use your 13 Amp Heavy-Duty Orbital Super Sawzall® Reciprocating Saw Kit to amputate.

karla said...

"Waaah, I skinned my knee." I don't know what's sadder, the fact that you got a wittle boo-boo or the fact that it was such a slow news day that you had to bore the internet with the story.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Shows how much you know. My boss is a MAN. I bet you feel pretty stupid now!

Stacy - Never heard of it. ;)

Ms. Babble - Leave it to you to rub salt in my wound. This has to hurt ten times worse than childbirth.

Anonymous said...

that' funny. i guess youre a fat white guy pusy. now i am not attracted to you anymore. LL
p.s. i recognize your house.

Tyler Durden said...

Actually you are wrong anonymous. He is mixed. He is a black guy with one big white leg. Don't you see the big bag of crack next to his leg?

Scary Monster said...

Me suggests that next time this happens, and me be pretty sure it will,instead of a dirty napkin you should use one of your maxipads to soak up the blood and gore 'n shit.

Do you use the needlenose pliers for self gratification or clitoral stimulation?

SNAP!

Crashtest Comic said...

what an ugly knee.
i didn't know you were white.

Yeah Him said...

Drink plenty of whiskey to kill the pain. I recommend Yukon Jack "when men were men and struggled to keep their campfires lit."

Antonio said...

you went about this all wrong. Everyone knows you're supposed to take a match to an open wound.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tyler - That's not a crack bag. That's a piece of bone protruding from my shattered limb.

Monster - Neither. I use them for extracting nose hairs. PLUCK!

Comic - I didn't know you were a comic.

Him - I'm out of whiskey. I poured it all on my knee.

Tony - I tried that - didn't work. Do I need to light it first?

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-Hmmm...let me check my calendar to see if my schedule will permit me daily visits to massage your leg(s)...

Oh no..looks like I'm booked up until at least 2020. But you are accustomed to massaging your own leg(s), so go ahead and do so daily and just pretend it's me. Kiss your leg(s) while your at it. You'll feel better in no time.

XOXO

blog Portland said...

No worries big guy. I've already been using your toothbrush to scrub the toilet for the past couple of weeks.

Legaleagle said...

What, Dyck, you don't need ME?

I say we sue the shit out of the city for allowing the sidewalk to be there and not taking safety precautions to prevent you from tripping. My contingency fee is only 40%.

The Legal Eagle

Just telling it like it is said...

OMGosh you must have been ish sheer agony...so let me ask you why didn't you rush to the emergency room...I mean really that flesh wound looks like it needs some serious attention...why it looks as if you might lose the leg...I am sorry I had to tel you that..sometime the truth hurts

Willo Keays said...

Well ... we are driving past Dyckersonville on Friday morning. I guess we could swing by and video tape the latest installment of "Dyck Van Dyke." What time should we be there.

Oh .. and BTW ... ewwwww!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Blondie - Cancel your plans. My doctor insists that I avoid all physical exertion; therefore, you will have to do the massaging.

McFatty - The joke's on you. I haven't brushed my teeth in two months.

Eagle - Excellent! Don't forget to mention the emotional stress I'm going through.

JTILII - I don't like going to hospitals. Too many sick people.

Willo - Come by around 3am. That's when I drain the puss.

ADW said...

Dyck - seriously? I get free reign to pour boiling soup down your pants? Just think about how your flotilla of dirty hoes will benefit from that service.

On second thought, my homemade "soup" brings all the boys to the yard, so I better save it. I'll spoon feed it to you instead after tenderly blowing each drop until it is the correct temperature for placement upon your Myghty Tongue.

There. Feel Better? No? Well that's all I got, so eff off if you don't like it.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-I'm afraid I can't cancel my plans. There are others, more needy than you, counting on me. Surely you can understand? And you should probably change doctors because I'm certain the quickest way to recovery is resuming your normal routine. XOXO

It's Me... Maven said...

Man, you need some neosporin, and I now need a tictac to get this funk out of my mouth!

Beth said...

tell the truth here dyck...you know that is a rug burn from being on your knees, with some big fat hairy guy pumping away behind you. It's ok,....the truth shall set you free my friend.

Webmiztris said...

OMG! It's amazing you survived at all! To hell with these pansies who survived avalanches and shit, your story proves that miracles really do happen!!! I hope this isn't going to affect your presidential campaigning!

Ryan said...

I can't believe the lack of sympathy for this crippling injury. The wound looks awful. Someone may have fired a bullet from underground as you fell and landed on your knee.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

You pussy!!

Although I commend you on the use of "throbbing" "pounding" and "pulsating." That part got me a bit randy.

Jenny! said...

I will be over...but I have to warn you that I don't warm my hands while asking you to turn and cough! Will bring your favorite thermometer too!

RevRee said...

ASS!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ADW - I got something for you to blow right here!

Blondie - You listen to your doctor; I'll listen to mine.

Maven - How about an Altoid? It's curiously strong.

Beth - Just for that, I'm crashing your daughter's wedding.

Miz - I knew I could count on your support. Thank God somebody understands my pain.

Ryan - More like a cannonball.

Cherry - Sorry, you're not my type.

Jenny - Would that be the rectal thermometer??

Rev - Oh, of course! I'll need someone to wipe my ass! Thanks for volunteering. You're the best.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-My doctor assures me that I shouldn't massage your leg(s) because there's really nothing in it for me. Sorry!:(

Jenny! said...

No...just the oral! The doctors weren't able to retrieve the last one remember!!!