7/31/2007

Pardon My Oily Spotting

Ladies and germs, it's time yet again for another installment of...





As many of you know, I am always looking for new drugs to ridicule. Who could forget my scathing review of Requip, the prescription drug for morons with Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)? Not only did I expose RLS as a bullshit disease, but I pointed out Requip's many side effects, which turn out to be worse than the disease itself!

Now one of my operatives has told me about a new drug for fat people. It's called Alli, and it's the first FDA approved over-the-counter diet pill. Despite its $60 price tag, this shit is apparently selling like hotcakes. In fact, most stores display it right next to the hotcakes, because anybody who eats hotcakes will most likely need Alli.

I can't begin to imagine how many government palms the GlaxoSmithKlinePfizerLever people must have greased in order to get this drug approved. I'm guessing they were able to slip it through because they include a booklet that promotes a healthy diet and exercise. Well FUCK THAT! If I wanted to eat RABBIT FOOD and do SQUAT THRUSTS, I wouldn't need your STUPID PILLS at all, now would I??!

But the real beauty of Alli is its side effects. Actually, their web site calls them "treatment effects." They can sugar coat it all they want, but suffice it to say if you take their pills, you'll be spending every waking hour wiping the "treatment effects" off your ass. According to their web site, effects MAY include:

  • Gas with oily spotting. I'm quite familiar with the concept of gas, but what the hell is "oily spotting"? Where will these "spots" be located, and how will I dispose of them? I can see myself now, donning a biohazard suit in the middle of the night and sneaking my oil saturated shorts to the dumpster behind Exxon to avoid getting slapped with a disposal fee.
  • Loose stools. Exactly how do you define loose?? Are we talking about a slow-moving lava flow or a full blown volcanic eruption? I'd like to know in case I need to have my plumbing system upgraded!
  • More frequent stools that may be hard to control. Delightful. In other words, I better pick up a package of adult diapers on the way home from work tomorrow. Either that or get myself fitted for a colostomy bag. Hell, I may as well check into a nursing home. I'll have a lot of fun explaining that one to Blue Cross.

The web site continues: The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza. Gee, thanks a lot for the visual. Excuse me a moment while I THROW UP. Yep, I feel thinner already.

In addition, the good people at Alli offer this helpful hint: If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with Alli until the event is over. I can see it now. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.....Sweet Lord almighty, what the fuck is that SMELL??!"

Here's another piece of sage advice, taken directly from the Alli web site: Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work. By "dark," do they by any chance mean BROWN? I'm supposed to wear BROWN PANTS every day...and bring EXTRAS??! Is it just me, or does this "diet pill" sound more like an INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH LAXATIVE??!

Co-Worker: "Say Dyckerson, what's with the 17 pairs of brown Dockers hanging on your chair?"
Me: "Oh, those? Macy's was having a buy 16, get one free sale so I decided to stock up."

And my favorite part of all: You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take Alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens. Really??! Because when I get gassy, I usually head immediately for the MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY. Thanks for straightening me out.

So let me make sure I have everything. Here's my grocery list:

  • 30-Day Supply of Alli
  • Biohazard Suit
  • 200 Cases of Toilet Paper
  • 35 Tubes of Preparation H
  • 50 Cans of Febreeze
  • 2 Dozen Pairs of Levi's Pre-Stained Jeans
  • 800 Packs of Depends Undergarments
  • 40 Bottles of Liquid Plumber
  • 1 Domino's Shit Lovers' Pizza

Total investment: $3,850.00

Being held hostage by your own asshole for a month: Priceless


38 comments:

Scary Monster said...

Me tried to check out the web site, but the server was down. Probably one of the techies be using Alli and had to make a mad dash to the toilet before erupting and covering he office in oily shit.

Where do you find this stuff?

SPLAT!

Dx said...

Not quite sure how accurate your info is but I'm off to check the instructions on my aspirin just in case.

Yeah Him said...

Why ride the exercise bike day in and day out (for months) before you can do sit ups and crunches (for months) to have that sweet looking gut you've always dreamed of WHEN YOU CAN just drop some pills and burn fat while you eat Doritos and drink Diet Coke?

Kadonkadonk said...

I was at the Museum of Natural History this weekend and I can assure you that there was, indeed, at least one Alli customer that had decided to head there instead of a bathroom...

DangerDoll said...

So you pay them for something that makes you shit randomly, and turns a plain fart into dipping oil for your favorite Italian restaurant bread. Eventually, you'll skip eating entirely and your newly-lubed internal organs will just slide into the toilet bowl.

Eh, you make it sound so appealing, but I'll just stick to my crystal meth.

Dixie said...

That is hilarious! I had seen that stuff at the local Wally-World and wondered it if would work. But I don't think I'll be trying it!

Crunchy BC said...

By the looks of my driveway, my 1997 Saturn has apparently been taking Alli.

Beth said...

that is just too gross for words...although I'm sure you can think up some that would be totally inappropriate.

oily gas huh?...ya..

I'll never look at pizza the same way..I guess that's how that stuff works.

Christie said...

Holy Crap, I'm gonna say something that I thought I would never ever say, not in a million years. I....I agree with you. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to type, really.

I really wanted to try this until hubby read the box and pointed out the shit factor of this pill. I've got kids, I don't have time to be in the bathroom all day. Plus, how can I yell at them for skid marks if all of mine had them, too?

Ryan said...

This is unbelievable. The weird thing is that I once dated a girl named Allie who had the same effect on me.

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

Ok I went and voted for you!! Now come on hor, go and vote for me for #'s 2 and 3. Well, I guess only if I deserve it, but at least consider me?? :)

(oh btw I'm delurking, Hi!)

blog Portland said...

I really don't see how that side effect will have a huge impact on the morbidly obese taking taking this pill. They're all shit-stained anyway because the can't reach to wipe, so what do they care?

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-I love you. Wanna make out? I was laughing uncontrollably during this post. Stop it!

Nancy said...

Bwa-haaaaaa, good commercial for Alli

Indeed, the site says all of that ... and they just ruined eating pizza for me!

Only in America will someone pay sixty bucks for what amounts to being Ex-lax!

Jenny! said...

I was hungry, but then I lost my appetite!

I think fat fuckers are already use to this...they can't getoff the couch fast enough so they shit themselves all the time! Of course they have oil stains, their assholes are stretched to the point of leakage!

Gross...I totally just threw up in my mouth!

fairlane said...

This explains Sen. Dave Vitter and his propensity to wear diapers.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Apparently I judged him too harshly.

Patti said...

I wonder if this is the "feel good factor" their ad spoke of. And if so...why are they letting a fecalphiliac run their marketing department?

Supposing it's true and this product really is "flying off the shelves" that would certainly explain why my morning commute has decreased by a full 10 minutes over the past 2 months.

Awesome!

Patti said...

on closer inspection...I'm most concerned with the "View alli in action video"....

..the fuck?

Kristine said...

Why do I suddenly have such a craving for Pizza Hut?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

HOLY SHIT, 19 COMMENTS! Alrighty, let me roll up my sleeves. Here we go...

Monster - That was no server problem. The Alli people were trying to cover their tracks. But Google's cache tells all!

Dx - Take two and call me in the morning...if you're not too busy squatting over your crapper.

Him - Don't get me started on the Doritos. Nature's perfect food!

Kadonkadonkadonka - Maybe it was one of them dinosaur fossils. I hear they come to life at night.

Doll - You can lube up my organ anytime!!

Dixie - Please do! A first-hand report would be excellent!

CBC - Could be. It might improve the gas mileage.

Beth - If you don't puke in 30 minutes or less, it's free!

Christie - Agreeing with me is the first step. You're almost one of us now.

Ryan - Really? Did she make you wear brown jean shorts??

Hor - My vote can't be bought. At least not for less than three dollars.

McFatty - Yeah, but the oily shit might cause them to slide out of bed. Could be a lawsuit!

Blondie - This proves my theory: The way to a woman's poon is through her funny bone. I'll be right over!

Nancy - Sure it's Ex-Lax...but with a handy booklet that tells you to eat fruit and veggies.

Jenny - Ewww, your mouth must taste yucky now. Here, gargle with some Golden Springs...

Fairlane - The only adults who should wear diapers are those Hindu freaks.

Patti 1 - Better a fecalphiliac than the compulsive liars that run most marketing departments.

Patti 2 - LOL, I missed that one. I hope that's in HD!

Kristine - Careful...you are what you eat!

fairlane said...

This product could be a boon for the "Poor Struggling Artist," type.

All they need are a couple tablets and some food coloring.

tfg said...

With oil prices being at a record high, I'd be OK with being able to produce 10W30 at will from my cornhole.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Fairlane - Don't forget the giant canvas!

TFG - Are you sure about that? You'd have to drill in some pretty hostile territory.

Patti said...

If by HD you mean "heavy diahhrea" then...yeah, guess it is.

ADW said...

So funny. I really wish these drug companies would add sharting to their repetoire.

Jenny! said...

Thanks, my mouth is so much fresher now! You want to make it dirty again?

Webmiztris said...

I didn't believe the 'wear dark pants' part until I read it on the Alli site with my own two eyes...

HOLY SHIT, THAT'S FUNNY! and gross! gah, I'd rather just be fat! sure beats shitting yourself!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Yay for sharting!

fairlane said...

I can also see it being useful to people in Prison. Bet your "roomie" won't be so friendly after you pop a couple of those things.

Of course, it could increase the risk for being shanked.

Maybe they want to put that on the box as a potential "side effect."

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Patti - Actually, the HD stands for High Defecation.

ADW - Give them time, my dear. Give them time.

Jenny - Nah, I'm ready to move on to other body parts now. ;)

Miz - What, you thought I would make that up?? NOBODY could make that up!!

Cherry - Yay for short, uninspired comments!

Fairlane - Have you thought about going into marketing??

Pud said...

The first time I heard of Alli is when I came home. The company that makes Alli states "proper exercise and eating a healthy diet will reduce treatment effects". How about just eat right and exercise? That way you won't shit your brains out for a month!

puerileuwaite said...

What's the bg deal? We're all slaves to some asshole, anyway. With this product, you're your own boss! And you still get Direct Deposit.

Mistress Empyrean said...

Alright, so my mum tried this shite and she woke up, did the all too common passage of gas to ring in the morning like we all do, and felt something running down her leg. Oh yes, it was ass oil. The best part is that ass oil doesn't seem to wash out of ANYTHING. Where it rests, there it lie. Yummy!

Lindystar the HOR blogger said...

What a punk.

So do you take PayPal???? ;)

Yeah Him said...

WOW!! I'm officially an affiliate. Drinks on me tonight if you're in the Reading, PA, area!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pud - That's what you're been fighting for: The chance to give Iraqis the freedom to take pills that make them crap themselves.

P - Yeah, but there's no 401K.

Mistress - Love the accent. What are you, Russian?

Lindy - Cash or money order only.

Him - Damn, thanks for pointing out that typo. I'll take care of it at once.

Christie said...

You won a RFS Blog Award!
Woot!

It's Me... Maven said...

Ahhh... Alli = Xenical = Asstastic Explosions!

Anal leakage my ASS!!

It's as if the Exxon Valdiz had a spill in your undershorts!