7/14/2007

Mighty Dyckerson's Week in Review

Whenever I don't have anything to write about, I do a little something I like to call Mighty Dyckerson's Week in Review. It's basically an assortment of random shit that may or may not have happened during the course of the week. Enjoy, you fuckers!



Gnats All Folks: The other night I decided to go for a brisk walk around the scum-filled lake near my domicile. It was around dusk. As I made my way halfway around the lake, I was attacked by a swarm of angry gnats. I was lucky to escape with my life. God, I hate those little bastards.



Pubic Affairs: After I'm attacked by a swarm of angry gnats, I like to trim my pubes. There's nothing like whacking away a few months of bush growth in order to make my wang look bigger. Not that it needs to look bigger. It's already quite sizable. Nevertheless, I pride myself in good grooming. Nothing much to report here, except at one point I got a little careless with the scissors and nearly castrated myself. Thankfully it turned out to be just a flesh wound. Let this serve as a warning to you gentlemen out there: Respect your nut sacks!



Heaven Gets The Bird: At some point last week, Lady Bird Johnson croaked. This poses several questions. First, how does one acquire a name like "Lady Bird"? The only "bird" she looked like is a buzzard. I'm sorry, but why are first ladies always so fugly?? If you're the PRESIDENT, you ought to be able to score some world-class poon. Barbara Bush looked like a horse. Hillary was nothing special. Hell, Bill Clinton couldn't even get a decent piece of ass when he was CHEATING!! What hope does that give the rest of us??! And tell me this: Don't you find it slightly ironic that such a homely woman would be known for her beautification projects? If she wanted to beautify something, why didn't she start with HERSELF?? There, that should give me a front row seat in Hell.



The Full Monty: The other day I watched an old rerun of "Let's Make a Deal" on the Game Show Network. You know, the game where Monty Hall offers you a chance to trade a bag of Skittles for what's behind door number two...and you take door number two...and you end up with a hamster...and it turns out there was $1,000 cash hidden inside the Skittles bag. I swear, if Monty tried that shit today, he'd end up with a cap in his ass. Anyway, they were giving away piles of orange shag carpet, tons of puke green appliances, and a shitload of plaid furniture. If you're planning to redo your house in a retro theme, you need to Tivo this shit.


As you can see, it has been an eventful week in the Dyckerson household. Today I'm going shopping for socks. Stay tuned for a full report upon my return.

18 comments:

It's Me... Maven said...

Dyckerson: Should you opt to bifurcate your shweenus today, do you think in a year when the scar tissue finally forms and you're finally able to sustain an erection again, do you think you'll be employing a two handed chicken choking technique?

Sassy Blondie said...

So basically you are saying that you suck as usual?

Jenny! said...

The best way to stop the bleeding is to suck it! Why were you using scissors anyway...tweezers would have done you better! Was the shag carpet used???

Bostick said...

I thought yankees like you called gnats "no see-ums".

Good for you on calling the bug what it is.

No see-ums is the most retarded name ever given to gnats.

Open your fucking eyes idiot! They are right there cant you see them!

Or are you a stupid fucking blind yankee!

No see-ems..

Jeez..

Turn off word verification please.

puerileuwaite said...

Jackie Kennedy was the cutest First Lady. And she was probably hot in the sack. They didn't call her Jackie "O" for nothing. Plus she even had a "Big Fat Greek Wedding" later on. And nothing attracts the babes like having one already. JFK knew this. That's why he had to be stopped.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you could use a hot chicks phone number...like mine!
(---)--- ----LL

tfg said...

That's why I prefer Brazilians down there. The waxes aren't bad, either.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - No can do. I need one hand to hold the Victoria's Secret catalog.

Blondie - I'll suck YOU, my dear!

Jenny - My schlong is bleeding! I need your mouth!

Beestick - What the fuck are you talking about??!

P - Martha Washington was way hotter. And she could suck the chrome off a '57 Chevy.

Lindsay - That's OK, I have the rehab center hotline on speed dial.

TFG - I tried waxing once, but I kept getting burned by the candle.

Webmiztris said...

that's the best thing about watching old gameshows - checking out the shiteous 'prizes'!

Ryan said...

When i was younger I always wanted to go on Let's Make a Deal and try to win whatever animal they dragged out as a booby prize. Then as they played their "Ha ha you made a bad deal WOMP WOMP" music I would run down and jump on my donkey screaming and cheering and then ride off into the sunset.

ADW said...

Yeah Dyck, but JFK got Marilyn Monroe, that wasn't a bad piece of ass...

Kadonkadonk said...

Grace Coolidge was a total betty.

Jenny! said...

And my mouth needs your schloong!

It's Me... Maven said...

Dang, you ruined it for me, Dyckerson! I was envisioning you getting your jerk on like a "tuning fork!"

Keshi said...

eeeeeeeee :(

Keshi.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Miz - I've got a special bonus prize for you behind the curtain. ;)

Ryan - I wonder if they ever zonked a contestant with a pair of cutoff jean shorts.

ADW - Never heard of her.

Kadonk - Didn't she do time in rehab for a DUI?

Jenny - Marry me.

Maven - I have no idea what that means.

Keshi - Easy for you to say.

Legaleagle said...

"There, that should give me a front row seat in Hell."

I told you before: I'm throwing a party, you can bring the ice.

Corn Dog said...

Dyck, you're hilarious. Loved the Lady Bird comments. All true.