I've Been Saved!!!

I bet you never thought of Dyckerson as a religious man. Well you would be correct. Nevertheless, last Sunday I took it upon myself to visit one of those "church" things and see what all the hubbub is about. For those of you who don't know, a "church" is a building where hypocrites gather to sing crappy songs and listen to a child molester lecture them about sins and what not.

I don't know what on Earth possessed me to go. Maybe it was sheer boredom. Perhaps it was the desire to escape the cacophony of my goddamn neighbor's retarded kids playing in the back yard. But most likely it was the urge to acquire some delicious Christian poon. You gotta watch out for those religious chicks. They all play hard to get, like they're saving themselves for marriage or some shit. But in reality, they possess so much sexual frustration that you can make their twats explode if you know how to push their buttons. Just whisper something biblical-sounding into their ears while caressing their bosoms. Works every time.

This particular church was one of them nondemonational deals. You know, the kind that meets in high school gyms and everyone dresses casual. It's the casual part that sold me. I don't give a fuck what religion it is. They can worship Dom DeLuise for all I care, as long as I don't have to strap on a corporate noose or iron a clean shirt. I found out about the joint through their ad in Val-Pak. I don't know about you, but any church that advertises in the same place where I get my Jiffy Lube coupons can't be that bad.

The service was to begin at 10am, but I got there bright and early at 9:58am so I could mingle. The parking lot was full, so I pulled in to one of the handicrapped spaces and faked a limp all the way to the building. The lobby was chock full of white people chatting and shaking hands and so forth. One of them was a heavy-set fellow holding a donut and a cup of coffee. I decided to strike up a convo.

"Hey fatass, where did you score the eats?" I asked.

He pointed silently to the back of the hall, where I spotted a table filled with assorted beverages and baked goods. "HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH," I screamed as I made a beeline for the buffet. Without missing a beat, I grabbed a Hefty bag from the janitor's closet and crammed it full of donuts and bagels. I was digging this church already.

I carried my stash to the gym - I mean sanctuary - and took a seat in one of the metal folding pews. Almost immediately, my ears were assaulted by the most Godawful music I have ever heard. This church had a band, and apparently they take their Christian rock very seriously. They had guitars, drums, mics, amps, and a soundboard nicer than at any radio or TV station I ever worked for in my previous career in broadcasting. They even had a giant screen projecting the song lyrics on PowerPoint slides. Jesus, this church was raking in some serious coin. I want in on that racket.

Ten minutes later, the pastor dude took the stage. Remember, this is a fucking high school gym, so there is no real stage. The pulpit was the snack cart from the cafeteria, and the cross was lit up on the scoreboard as a giant letter "T". The pastor was wearing a pair of baggy chinos and a bowling shirt. It was like he was going out of his way to be a slob. The first thing he made us do was turn to our neighbors and say hello. Fuck that. I said hello to the cinnamon and raisin bagel in my trash bag. Heavenly! It was like a miracle in my mouth!

Pastor dude then proceeded with several announcements, most of which involved his need for our money. Meanwhile, a couple of flunkies made their way up and down the aisle passing around a basket. To hell with that. If they need money that bad, they can pawn their fucking sound system. So I tossed in one of my expired Jiffy Lube coupons and a Chiclet.

There was some more shitty music, after which the pastor dude launched into his sermon. I love how contemporary pastors always try to make their message "relevant" by sprinkling it with pop culture references. This moron was doing some lameass bit based on the game Deal or No Deal...only instead of money, the numbered cases were filled with sins and the only prize was salvation. The idea was, if you went through life without picking the sins, you'd go to Heaven...or meet Howie Mandel...or something like that. I don't know for sure. About five minutes into it, I whipped out my DyckPod and started listening to Gwen Stefani. You know that "Woo-Hoo, Yee-Hoo" song she does? Gwen Stefani is the SHIT!!

Anyway, the sermon went on for nearly an HOUR before the guy finally shut his piehole. I thought we were done, but then the band came back on stage for an encore. I had no interest in hearing the white rap version of "The Unclouded Day," so I discreetly reached over to the state-of-the-art soundboard and yanked out the plug.

All in all, not a bad experience...though I was a bit disappointed by the lack of available poon. All the chicks I saw were wearing tightly fastened chastity belts. If I go again, I'll definitely get there earlier so I can choose from a better selection of bagels. I might even bring my cowbell and jam with the band. I figure they can't hassle me for money if I'm on stage entertaining the crowd.


Kadonkadonk said...

FYI for your next visit - Hands down, the best possible book of the Bible to quote to score outragous Zealot Poon is Ezekiel:

"Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." (Ezekiel 23: 19-21)

GOD that shit is hot!

ADW said...

Holy crap, you didn't get struck by lightning?

And I can just see it now. Dyck on the pulpit saying:
"You know I've got a fever.... and the only cure is more cowbell. Now get nekkid bitches, to the sexy sound of the Blue Oyster Cult."

After that, the lightning strike is a done deal....

Antonio said...

This eerily mirrors my experiences at a very-overfunded church I visited here in Cary, NC. The impressive soundboard, powerpoint slides, casual dress, and overabundance of white people. They even filmed this 'MTV cribs' parody that absolutely NOTHING to do with religion. They didn't have donuts and bagels though. Heathens.

And you're never gonna track down quality poon in the main sanctuary. You gotta show up for the Sunday School and attend the high school/young adult class.

Crunchy BC said...

God helps those who help themselves to the donuts.

Ryan said...

Those baked goods sound way better than communion. I can't wait for your visit to a Mosque.

Dixie said...

Dyck, I'd visit church with you anytime! Sounds like fun when you talk about it!

Organized religion is a crock of shit and you hit the nail on the head when you said "a building where hypocrites gather to sing crappy songs and listen to a child molester (or in my case a wife swapping whore monger)lecture then about sins and what not."

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-Again, I'm speechless. I'll run down to the nearest church like a good Catholic girl and light a candle for you.

Nancy said...

"And the sign said everybody welcome, come in, kneel down and pray

But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all,

I didn't have a penny to pay, so I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign

I said thank you Lord for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine"

Yeah, I can see you having a 'lil Christian fun =)

Bonus round:what band sang that song?

Webmiztris said...

"nondemonational" lol. personally I like the demonational churches, but that's just me. :) it's say that I know what song you mean by the "Woo-Hoo, Yee-Hoo" lyrics. gawd, that song sucks!

Patti said...

Screw the church service (no, not literally)! You'll want to go straight to the church office and volunteer to "chaperone" the rest of the summer's church retreats ranging from week-long camps to weekend only retreats and month-long missions (not to be confused right away with the missionary position...though that will come later...all puns intended).

I have never seen so many barely legal gals giving it away for Jesus than I did during church camp. Take condoms though. At least 2 girls from my church alone got pregnant every summer. Don't need any more evangelical dycks running around the world.

good luck and godspeed.

Jenny! said...

Church food is the best...but smoking weed is even better in a church or gym...whatever! I bet if you put your dick in the bagel and started a competition as to who will eat it off...you could find some interested poon!

Sornie said...

That church sounds worse than a normal church. Ouch. Are you sure you hadn't ventured in to Hell, I mean with the Gwen Stefani reference it sure sounds like it.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Did you seriously add a Down's Syndrome kid onto your banner? You're lucky you're so damn funny, and I have so few principals, or there's no way I'd read this rag.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Kadonk - Wow, Paris Hilton is mentioned in the Bible??!

ADW - Actually, I'm thinking I might get a white suit and slap people on the forehead to cure them of their ailments.

Antonio - Sunday school, eh? I'm 35. Do you think they'll let me in the teens class?

CBC - That's why they call Him holey. Get it? Donuts? Holey??

Ryan - Why would I go to a Mosque? I'm not Jewish.

Dixie - Wife swapping and whore mongering...perhaps I need to consider a career change.

Blondie - Make sure to wear the plaid skirt.

Nancy - Hmmm. I'll say the Backstreet Boys.

Miz - Hey, I like that song. In fact, I'd like to hear Pussywhipped's version.

Patti - I always wondered what went on during those "church retreats." I figured they just sat around a campfire and quoted Bible verses.

Jenny - I like the way you think! I can even make my own cream cheese!

Sornie - Don't be dissin' Gwen Stefani. That poon can carry a tune!

Dr. K - Why not? Half my readers are retarded anyway.

Beth said...

"more cow bell!" "More cow bell!"

Do you look like will farrell? I am dying to know what you really look like Dyck!!! It's killin me..

that doesn't sound like church to me...that sounds like hell.

Scary Monster said...

Me would have kept the chicklet for the ride back home. The jiffy lube coupons were more than enough.

Me can't go into churches. All the fire and brimstone talk makes me homesick.


P.S. tried yer suggestion with the popcorn, but it didn't work, so Me just buttered her muffin after the show.

Nancy said...

5 Man Electrical Band

... and I concur with Beth, a little more cow bell always helps.

puerileuwaite said...

What? They DIDN'T tie you to the altar and stone you to death, in order to ensure a bountiful harvest? This is why I no longer believe in religion.

~ Stacy ~ said...

I knew there was a reason I missed going to church. Free donuts. Yup, I miss that.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Oh, I nearly forgot to ask... Were you saved? Did you find Jesus?

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck, good Catholic girls always wear their plaid skirts. Didn't I mention I'm not a good Catholic girl? ;o)

tfg said...

Careful with the Christian poon. It's like opening a Pandora's box, so to speak. All that repression builds up over time, so you'd best be a triathlete or you will get pooned to death.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - I look like your oldest son. Only I'm white. And I don't have the huge 'fro. And I'm older. And my nose is different. And I'm taller.

Monster - Oh, I forgot to mention. It was a used Chiclet. CHOMP!

Nancy - Damn, I was so close.

P - You've been watching too many Mel Gibson movies.

Stacy - I thought I found Jesus...but it turned out to be just a long haired hippie. He should be arrested for impersonating a savior.

Blondie - You naughty girl! Meet me in the confessional...and be prepared to drop to your knees.

TFG - Pooned to death? Well, if you gotta go...

Jenny! said...

I am not retarded...just special! What flavor cream cheese do you make?

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-Are we going to pray for your soul?

karla said...

More proof that there's no God. If there was, he wouldn't have allowed you in his church.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jenny - Beats me, but it sure is tangy!

Blondie - I don't know, are you?

Ms. Babble - Did I mention God's church smells like gym socks and sweat?

Anonymous said...

And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.


RevRee said...

You're going to Hell!

Legaleagle said...

If there is a God in heaven, he's make you sterile.

Patti said...

And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.

the books that weren't opened though....what was in those? My guess is a bunch of laughter and prophets telling other prophets how gullible people can be...and possibly recipes and stick figure porn.