7/01/2007

Dyckerson for President - Issue 27: Education

As many of you recall, I recently announced my candidacy for President of the U. S. of A. I have already discussed in depth my plan to blow Iraq off the face of the Earth, as well my intention to improve health care by providing government funding for female breast enlargements. Tonight's subject shall be education reform.

We are raising a generation of FATASSES, RETARDS, and PUNKS. What's worse, they're all hopped up on RITALIN and COCOA PUFFS. Are the parents to blame? Or is it the media? Perhaps it's video games, like the Pac-Man with its evil ghosts and such. I say none of the above! The problem, my friends, lies in classrooms across America.

For one thing, public school teachers are severely UNDERWORKED and OVERPAID. That's right, you heard me. Teachers work what, seven hours a day and nine months a year? And for that they get paid 30 or 40 grand annually?? What kind of example are they setting with a cushy bullshit schedule like that??! These lazy bastards need to be working YEAR-ROUND, and so do their dumbass students. And when they're done with their lessons for the day, the fat little fuckers can burn off some calories doing menial labor - shit like landscaping and construction. That way we can send the illegals back to spic town where they belong, and we'll still have people to mow our lawns.

Next we need to get rid of the snack and soda machines in the cafeterias - nothing but sugar and empty calories. Instead, we'll install cigarette machines and condom dispensers in every school. Everybody knows cigarette smoking causes weight loss...and besides that, it's damn cool. And kids are going to fuck each other anyway, so we may as well make it safe for them.

Furthermore, the following subjects need to be completely done away with:

  • History - Who needs this shit? Ask me if I give a fuck what life was like in Europe a thousand years ago. It's ancient history...literally!!!
  • Algebra - What a goddamn waste of time. Kids don't need to know nothing about x's and y's and shit. Teach these idiots how to add, how to subtract, and how to give me correct change when I order a Triple Whopper with Cheese.
  • Science - What the hell?? Am I the only one who finds it strange that we allow these bastards to play with bunsen burners, cut up dead frogs with a scalpel, and experiment with dangerous chemicals??! Why don't we just pass out Glocks to each kid and be done with it??!
  • Physical Education - I don't know about you, but I don't think our children should be forced to change clothes in front of a gay pedophile coach and play stupid games like dodge ball. What the fuck does dodge ball teach about physical fitness? All it taught me was, getting hit in the face by a goddamn ball hurts like bloody hell.

Instead, we need to create a curriculum that teaches REAL LIFE SKILLS. Stuff like how to tune up a car. Or how to balance a checkbook. Or how to get cum stains out of a sock. Are you with me people???!

Finally, we need to put an end to all this bullshit about A.D.D. and kids with "special needs." Schools need to stop cottling these kids and bring back corporal punishment. Some kids are just plain stupid, OK?? They don't need prescription medications and special classes. The only thing they understand is a good ASS BEATING with a LEATHER STRAP. And if that doesn't work, chop off a finger and hand it back to them in a Zip-Loc bag. The school nurse can reattach it during study hall.

Oh, and before I go, I have some exciting news! The new "I Like Dyck" campaign buttons have arrived! Check 'em out:


As you can see, the printers made a little typo. Unfortunately I had already signed for the shipment before I realized it, so now I'm stuck with five thousand of them. Hopefully nobody will notice. Be sure to order your button today! Act now, and I'll throw in an iPhone for only $500 more!!!

29 comments:

blog Portland said...

I really think you should add a rider to this policy reform that includes mandatory sterilization of any retard that manages to flunk out of your school.

latt├ęgirl said...

Thankfully, I don't have to vote in American politics.

ADW said...

Is that button making fun of me - heh? You told me that I was the only one. What the eff? I mean I am totally not into sharing you with the world. I think we should break up but stay friends. Good friends. KNow what I mean.

Dixie said...

Afuckingmen! You got my vote!

That button cracks me up!

Beth said...

I wanna button!!! Hey, I got a button for you dyckerson...right here...

Crystal said...

how DO you get cum stains out of a sock?

Ryan said...

Im down for this. Kids are always going to be trampling across peoples grass, it might as well be with a lawn mower in front of them.

Sassy Blondie said...

By far, this has to be the best platform for educational form I've ever heard. WOW. Just WOW.

Damn printers...probably some pimply-faced high school kid working his afterschool job, eh?

Besides, if you "Lick Dyck", you should wear it proudly...

Jenny! said...

Damn retards! You have my vote, you not only will fix education but the immigration problem as well! The best way to get cum stains out of socks is to suck on em!

Webmiztris said...

"I don't think our children should be forced to change clothes in front of a gay pedophile coach"

ugh, seriously. Our gym teacher was the biggest dyke ever too. So what if she was married to the boy's gym teacher? She was still a dyke. And I've never used Algebra in my life since high school. What a fucking waste of time! I'd vote for ya, dyck!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

McFatty - Most of them are sterile anyway. You know, 'cause of the inbreeding.

Latte - COMMIE!!

ADW - Lord, I wish every woman had your attitude.

Dixie - I'm sending you two. You can mount the extra one on your Taurus.

Beth - Can I come over and press it for you??

Crystal - I believe Jenny answered your question.

Ryan - Lawnmowers?? That's crazy talk. They're getting a pair of scissors and that's it.

Blondie - Actually the buttons were made in a sweat shop in Mexico. Don't tell anyone!

Jenny - Would you come over and do my laundry? I have a load for you. Hell, I might even have TWO loads...

Miz - Yeah, I had at least three or four dyke gym teachers. Each one was butcher than the last. They must have a special training camp or something.

Jenny! said...

I will do your laundry, but I want some buttons in return!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Show me your "button" and I'll show you mine, baby!! ;)

Legaleagle said...

Jenny! totally japped my line. All is fair, she DID get here first! Although, I think you should include "Spotting an STD 101". Just a thought.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-I bet I could teach you a thing or two...all in a classroom setting of course!

Sarita said...

Poon

~ Stacy ~ said...

Excellent campaign. You've totally sealed my vote.

I'd like one of your buttons, too. Do you hand deliver them? Or are they sent all impersonal-like in a small envelope?

~ Stacy ~ said...

Or do they come in a box, with cum-stained sox?

Willo Keays said...

As a former team member in a high school Media Center {for you retards - that's a fancy way to say LIBRARY} I'm offended you didn't mention BOOKS!

Why do the kids need textbooks? They just draw profane cartoons all over them, rip them to shreds, and tear the pages out.

Implant a microchip into every kids brain - put all the info they need on the microchip = NO MORE SCHOOL!

Problem solved. All the leftover funds - you know school board pension money, etc ... - should be delivered to me for coming up with the brilliant idea.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - I think you and Jenny should fight over that line...preferably naked, in a vat of chocolate pudding, while I videotape it.

Sassy - I'll bet you could. How about I stay after class and let you tutor me??

Sarita - Well said.

Stacy - I'll email it to you as an attachment.

Willo - Of course kids need textbooks! At least boys do. How else are they going to hide their bulges when they see a hot girl??

Corn Dog said...

Dyck all the way! Dang. Now I actually have to register. Well, maybe I can just wear the button around town.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Won't that hurt?

Wait. What were we talking about?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Where's the mention of sex/poon education?

Gimme one of those buttons.

Jenny! said...

Mighty you better keep that video camera handy...I am ready for some pudding wrestling with Eagle...is she up for it???

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Corn - Don't bother. I don't think convicted sex offenders can vote.

Cherry - I'm surprised you don't already have a button like that.

Jenny - If she's not, I am! I hope you like to fight dirty!

Legaleagle said...

I'm ready when Jenny is! Although it's been a long time since I've pudding wrestled, this should be good. You may want to sell tickets in which case both Jenny and I will take a percentage. You can keep the videotape.

Tyler Durden said...

I also would like to suggest eye gouging for school kids that rolls their eyes at anyone older than 18. I want to kill me a high school kid one day and make it look like an accident. Thats my long term goal.

I also want a button and a copy of the video.

Jenny! said...

That's the only kind of fighting I do!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - Can I lick the tub when you're done?

Tyler - You don't need to make it look like an accident. I plan to legalize smartass kid killing.

Jenny - I love you.