7/26/2007

Get This Pussy Out Of My Bed!!!*


What is the BIG FUCKING DEAL about this GODDAMN CAT??! I can't turn on a TV, read a blog, or even take a leak in the office shitter without hearing about Oscar the Wonder Pussy. You know the story. Cat lives in nursing home. Cat crawls on patient's bed. Patient dies.

Let me see if I got this straight. This is a NURSING HOME. It is filled with OLD PEOPLE. Now I don't know about you, but where I come from, old people have a tendency to DIE. Especially when they are in NURSING HOMES. I mean, WHY THE FUCK ELSE would they be there??! I mean it ain't exactly Club Med, is it??! So why is everybody so damn SURPRISED that these people are DROPPING LIKE FLIES? Let's face it, the odds are in the cat's favor here. I'd be more impressed if Oscar curled up next to a cancer patient, took a catnap, left...and then the patient LIVED ANOTHER TEN YEARS. But you never hear about that, do ya?? You know why??? Because IT NEVER HAPPENS! THEY ALWAYS DIE!!!!

Some people think Oscar is actually killing these people. The thought crossed my mind as well, but then I thought, WHY??? What does the cat have to gain? What is he going to do, steal their Metamucil??! On the other hand, maybe he's after the inheritance. Maybe he's in cahoots with the nursing staff. Oscar smothers the patients, the nursing staff collects the life insurance money, and Oscar gets all the cat nip he can eat. Or snort. Or whatever the hell it is cats do with that shit.

I used to have a pet hamster. I always suspected that he could sense when I was about to stuff him down my pants. He would get inside his little hamster wheel and spin around and around and around as fast as he could. But it was an exercise in futility because it was a STATIONARY WHEEL. The retarded little fucker NEVER WENT ANYWHERE. Except down my pants, of course. Eventually he died...because THAT'S WHAT HAMSTERS DO. It wasn't news. I didn't hold a press conference. I didn't sell my story to the A.P. I just tossed him down the garbage disposal and went on with my life.

Now could we PLEASE get off this stupid cat story and move on to something more NOTEWORTHY? For example, last night I passed a turd that looked exactly like Jim Nabors. Seriously, the resemblance was uncanny. This is the kind of shit the New England Journal of Medicine should be writing about if you ask me. Maybe then people would actually READ that magazine!!!


*Title changed due to popular demand.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm innocent dammit! Give me an f'ing break! wtf! yours truly!

Legaleagle said...

A cat in a nursing home? That CAN'T be sanitary...

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-I whole-heartedly agree with you on this one. Wait, I need to sit down..feeling dizzy...

Ryan said...

If I ever produce a turd that looks like Rock Hudson we can have a secret gay fecal wedding.

ADW said...

Why is everyone blogging about this effing cat? I left my comment at ACW's site.

DangerDoll said...

Next expose: Oscar caught in grainy camera phone footage snorting catnip off the asscrack of one of the hottie nurses while the little old people frantically push their call buttons, then code, dropping like flies. There's the REAL story.

Scary Monster said...

Iffin you don't get the award then there be some serious ballot stuffing or hamster stuffing going on.

Why wouldn't people be writin about the damned feline? The pussy thet kills. Killer Pussy in bed. Would you kick this pussy outta yer bed?

Good headlines all.

STOMP.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Maybe you can stick this cat down your pants. I bet then you'd get the AP writing about it.

blog Portland said...

If it makes you feel any better, I've never heard of this cat until now. However, I do spend the majority of my time locked in a small room masturbating to porn.

Christie said...

Didn't people used to believe cats had the ability to suck out peoples souls while they slept? Finally, here is proof!

Jenny! said...

The only thing less sanitary than a cat...is a fucking nursing home! I bet the cat is trying to catch death from the dying old people so that he can escape the overpowering smell of piss and shit and be free!

The hampster went down, but did he ever go up?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lindsay - May I remind you, you're under oath.

Eagle - Compared to what? Have you ever gotten a good whiff of an old person??

Blondie - Here, sit on my lap.

Gorilla - I thought all turds looked like Rock Hudson.

ADW - Don't waste your time on that idiot's blog. He never even reads his comments. With me, you get a personalized response every time!

Doll - Actually, I think Dateline should send that tool Chris Hansen down there with a camera crew.

Monster - Please. This is a respectable blog.

Cherry - It's worth a try...but only if the cat has been declawed.

McFatty - I'm sure the porn industry will make a movie about it.

Christie - I'd get a litter of cats if they could suck something else.

Jenny - Tell me about it. At least cats can wash themselves, even if it's with their own saliva. Speaking of which, I'd like to give you a nice tongue bath tonight! ;)

Jenny! said...

I could really use that tongue bath...I am really dirty!

RevRee said...

I'm still in shock that you didnt headline your post with the following...

DEATH BY PUSSY

You're slipping my dear

karla said...

A cat that kills old people? Send that cat to Texas. I hate old people.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jenny - I know you are, baby. I know you are.

RevRee - Alright goddammit. I was trying to take the high road for once, but you neanderthals just gotta have your pussy jokes. Title changed.

Ms. Babble - I'll have it shipped to you in the hospital. While he's there, maybe he'll get a CAT scan. Get it? CAT scan???

Corn Dog said...

I'd shoot the cat if he came in my room. Then we'd see who was the Grim Reaper. Dr. Dosa sounds like he's a few bricks shy of a full load or he's been snorting some of his patients' meds.

tfg said...

If you've got to go, death by pussy seems like a good way to do it.

puerileuwaite said...

I read somewhere that every time you DON'T stuff a hamster down your pants, Drew Carey gets "The Price Is Right" host gig.

Dixie said...

I don't get to watch tv much, so I haven't heard about it. But I have no doubt that they are over doing it. They always do.

They probably can't breath with his fat ass sitting on their chest.

tfg said...

Was the Pussy Of Death's name Karla by any chance?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Corny Dog - Guns won't kill this cat. His fur is bulletproof.

TFG - Depends on whose pussy it is.

P - Where did you read that? Hamster Fancy magazine??

Dixie - What's wrong with your TV? Don't the rabbit ears on your trailer help with the reception?

TFG #2 - No, this pussy wasn't as hairy.

-eve- said...

LOL! This was worth a good laugh.:-) Yeah, I agree. All parties were doing what they DO...old people dying, cats climbing on beds....heheh....;-)

~ Stacy ~ said...

Hmmm, this is the first I've heard of Oscar the Death Pussy. I don't watch the news much; too depressing. I figure if the world is coming to an end, someone will let me know.

Anyhoo, I wonder if Oscar hires out. I'd buy him 20 cases of Fancy Feast and get him a squeaky, toy mouse if he'd sit on my ex.

Jim Nabors? That's rather telling. :P