7/29/2007

Bottled Bullshit

What is the deal with this idiotic bottled water craze?? I bring this up because of the recent news item about AquaFina. (You may have missed it because the entire world has been fixated on the fucking feline that's been terrorizing residents of that nursing home.) Basically, the story exposes Aquafina bottled water as being nothing more than ordinary tap water filtered through a pair of jockey shorts. In response, the makers Aquafina will now print a disclaimer on every bottle stating that their product comes from a "Public Water Source." The message will be clearly printed in a 4-pt. font on one of the inside grooves of the bottle cap.

What a racket. Selling bottled water is like having a license to print money. I swear to Christ almighty, people will truly buy ANYTHING. I am seriously considering bottling my own piss and selling it on eBay. I'll even disguise the coloration by using amber-tinted bottles. Hell, it's a scientific fact that urine is bacteria free. I can use that in the marketing campaign: "Mighty Dyckerson's Golden Springs...A trickle of sterile goodness in every bottle."





I GUARANTEE you some arrogant jackass would buy it. After all, what says arrogance more than throwing away GOOD MONEY for something you can get from the faucet for almost NOTHING?? The only people who need to be drinking bottled water are marathon runners and hurricane victims...and even THAT should be bottled TAP WATER. And don't sit there and tell me you can taste the fucking difference. If I gave you two glasses, one filled with Evian and the other with water from my toilet bowl, I bet you A THOUSAND DOLLARS you couldn't tell which was which. TEN THOUSAND if I flush the toilet first. Anybody up to the challenge?? I thought not.

Back during the Cold War, they used to sell water in PLAINLY MARKED one-gallon milk jugs. No fancy pictures of blue mountains or arctic lakes. People didn't buy it to make a statement; they bought it to keep in their bomb shelters in case we got NUKED BY THE COMMIES. Now they sell it in small, dildo-shaped bottles to YUPPIE COCKSUCKERS who litter our blue mountains and arctic lakes with their empties.

I hope that fucking cat crawls in bed next to every one of them and CLAWS THEIR GODDAMN EYES OUT.

48 comments:

Nancy said...

I concur, totally.

lattégirl said...

I already knew AquaFina was just treated public water, cuz I was smart enough to read the label. Which, here at least, had the appropriate information on it.

Jenny! said...

I like when the bottle says, "Purified by Osmosis"...what the fuck does that mean??? That they let the water sit next to each other and purify itself because of close proximity?

You should sell your jizz instead...it contains protein...could be a big hit with the health nuts!

Randy Sexer said...

Did anyone ever notice that "Evian" spelled backwards is "Zionist"?

Hmmmmmmmm!

Willo Keays said...

No .. it spells Naive. Hmmmmm....

So .. I'm sensing just a TAD bit of aggression here. What's REALLY wrong? Come on .. you can tells us!

Christie said...

Would it piss you off to know I just spent $15 on bottled water. Not only can you smell the chlorine in our water, you can taste it, and that is just gross.

BTW willo, it's called Little Penis Syndrome, or LPS, and one of the side effects is assholyness.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nancy - Well, I guess we can't agree on everything.

Latte - I love a girl with brains!

Jenny - I thought Osmosis was an 80s band. As for the jizz, I don't know if I can put out enough volume to support mass production. I may need some "assistance"... ;)

Randy - That's some deep shit right there.

Willo - Come to my place and I'll tell you over a glass of Golden Springs.

Christie - Can't you just strap a Brita filter on your damn faucet??

Pud said...

Golden Springs......you could be on to something here. I'll invest in your idea. That's invest in the bottles, marketing, etc. Not actually buying your piss.

DangerDoll said...

You know, there probably IS a market out there for bottled Dyck Piss. As long as it's certified marijuana- and crack cocaine-free...

So...uh...never mind.

tfg said...

Freaky. Ever notice that gnatnoop spelled backwards is poontang.

lattégirl said...

Yes, Dyck, but would you settle for fucking brains on a Friday night?

Webmiztris said...

I can't stand bottled water snobs. spending $2 (or more) on a 12 oz. bottle of water means you're a fucking idiot unless you have NO CHOICE WHATSOEVER but to buy it because you're in an airport or something.

Anonymous said...

i have to pee in bottles all the time. they sell that shit? L

Scary Monster said...

Bottled water costs costs more than gasoline. Iffin you bottled yer piss at least me could run me car on it in an emergency.

SPLASH!

Scary Monster said...

I might just take you up on that thousand dollar bet.
We all know that the last time you cleaned yer shit stool was when Jimmy Carter were tossin peanuts from the white house steps. The skanky odor would give it away.

Whiff.

Yeah Him said...

If you sell it at Barnes and Nobles, you can get $3 a bottle because yuppies will buy anything (esp. if you tell them that it was shipped from somewhere exotic).

Jenny! said...

Do you want me to rub your prostate?

Beth said...

I hate Auqafina...too salty for me. Yours wouldn't be salty, wuld it?

Sassy Blondie said...

OMG..this is twice that I completely agree with you. What the hell is happening to me?? Is the world coming to an end?

blog Portland said...

This is why I drink nothing but beer and absinthe; you get your money's worth.

lattégirl said...

One: Jenny! is fucking hilarious and I am so going straight to her blog.

Two: Blog Portland: absinthe?! Whoa. That is actually banned by law most everywhere in the world. Would love to get my hands on some.

Jenny! said...

Lattegirl...I actually keaster absinthe into the US for Blog Portland...you want some...I could manage two bottles next time!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pud - You're back!!!!!

Doll - I think you're on to something there. Now I have to rethink my whole marketing strategy!

TFG - You're just making that up. Prove it.

Latte - No, but I'd fuck your brains out!

Miz - You can't buy bottled water in airports anymore thanks to the terrorists. You have to drink your own saliva.

Lindsay - I think yours would be lethal.

Monster - Shows how much you know. Jimmy Carter shows up at the White House every morning and tosses his nuts to the squirrels.

Him - Good idea. We'll put it next to the herbal tea from Bangladesh.

Jenny - You can rub anything you want, baby!

Beth - Think of it as a margarita.

Blondie - The transformation is complete. You're one of us now...

McFatty - That's why you keep waking up with penises drawn on your face.

Latte - Hey. Over here. This is MY blog. You will address all your comments to Mighty Dyckerson.

Jenny - Are you hiding those bottles in your nook or your caboose??

ADW said...

Um, duh!! I only drink Captain Morgan's which is bottled pirate piss, but it gets me happy, so don't argue with me.

FYI - your "random" word verification for me had "nip" in it....

Crunchy BC said...

Unbelieveable! From now on, Pedro will only be allowed to use Evian when he washes my Beemer.

Jenny! said...

Get your lube ready...lets start this production line tonight!

DVDA!

Christie said...

Brita filters aren't portable like bottles are, that's why.

Oh, and Jenny, Jay didn't share. I need my own bottle. Where should I send the lube?

Randy Sexer said...

TFG-

Yeah, and Gnat Poop spelled backwards is Poop-tang!

That's my new favorite slang word!

[jerks off furiously]

Jenny! said...

Christie:
Make sure it's coconut flavored!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ADW - Yo ho ho, ho!

CBC - Beemer? Is that what you call your wang??

Jenny - I'm out of Vaseline. I hope a bottle of vegetable oil will do the trick.

Christie - So, you fill a cup with water from the faucet with the Brita filter and take it with you! (Women...you have to explain everything to them.)

Randy - That'll be enough.

Jenny - $#!%^*&! This is MY BLOG!! Stop talking to other people!!!

Christie said...

$#!%^*&! This is MY BLOG!! Stop talking to other people!!!

Does anyone else imagine Dyck stomping his wee little feet while he was typing this?

Jenny: Wipe it down when you're done, I'm allergic to coconuts.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Bottled water is for sissified, candy-assed, panty-waists. I like chunks of random shit floating around in my water.

pink_peony@sbcglobal.net said...

that was the funniest post i've read in a while!

Randy Sexer said...

[ejaculates, finally; fuckin' Lortabs]

ps. sorry Dyck

~ Stacy ~ said...

Golden Springs... Ha! That was funny. Taking the Dyckerson Piss Challenge... even funnier.

However, if you've ever been to Green-fucking-ville, Mississippi, then you'd understand the need for bottled water. I'd rather shower in your Golden Springs, than bathe in Greenville's slimy, brown tap water. I'm gonna need therapy to get over the trauma.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"... gnatnoop spelled backwards is poontang." --TFG

{heh} Gnatnoop. I like that word.

fairlane said...

I think someone already beat you to it.

They call it Mountain "Dew."

RAFFI said...

i love america. i'm going to sell all the rotting cheese in my fridge as expensive fromage from france.

Little Lamb said...

It stinks in here!

One Wacky Mom said...

OMG...you are gonna end up in jail aren't you? No wonder you blog under a pseudo you coward...

You are freaking hilarious! I had to look at my comments twice because I'm thinking who would be so freaking stupid to leave that crap on MY BLOG!!!!!!!!

CAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO MESS AROUND WITH ME!!!!!


I'M LAUGHING LIKE HELL!!!

And trust me I scare the bezeesjesus outta people! I do this stuff under my real name! I'm still freaking laughing at this one.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Christie - I doubt you're allergic to MY coconuts. Here, taste them and see!

Dr. K - You're my kind of guy. Let's high five each other and slap asses.

Pink - You don't read much, do you?

Randy - Need to borrow my monitor squeegie?

Stacy - I hear Greenville gets its water from New Orleans.

Fairlane - Well played.

Raffi - Good idea. Sell it in little tiny packages - people will think it's a delicacy.

Lambo - You're telling me. Why don't you bathe??

Mom - You are much too kind. But if bottling my own urine and selling it on the Internet is wrong, then I don't wanna be right!

puerileuwaite said...

I've been producing "Energy Bars" for yuppies "on the run", that will go nicely with your bottled water.

Sornie said...

Watch for it, I'm going to create a killer brand and start bottling and selling water straight out of my garden hose. Should be on store shelves by the first quarter of 2008.

captain corky said...

Yeah but, have you ever gone swimming in a pool that's been filled with bottled water?

Jenny! said...

Dyck:
Baby don't be hatin'...I'll make it up to you!

Christie:
Are you allergic to deez nuts???

Ryan said...

I feel like a total ass for drinking Poland Spring. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - Are they brown and filled with nougat?

Sornie - You better lock up that hose when you're not using it. Someone could steal your product.

Corky - No, but I've swam in the Atlantic a few times. Close enough.

Jenny - Promises, promises...

Ryan - Poland Springs is PEOPLE!!!

Jenny! said...

I never lie!