7/05/2007

4th of July: Dyckerson Style

Get this. Yesterday I went to the store to stock up on supplies for my annual 4th of July weiner gobbling contest. (My personal record was set back in 2002 when I gobbled 32 weiners in one sitting. I'm sure I don't have to tell you, that's a lot of goddamn weiners.) Anyway, my injured knee was still acting up, so I asked the DyckMart greeter for one of them motorized scooter devices. Happy to oblige, he disappeared behind a display of pork rinds to search for my scooter. Several minutes went by, and finally the old coot returned...empty handed.

"Where's my fucking scooter, gramps??!" I screamed.

"We're all out," he replied. "They're all being used right now."

I was livid. No way in hell could there be anyone in that store who was more in need of a mobility scooter than myself. Most likely they were all being hogged by of lazy fuckers who didn't feel like walking. I knew immediately what had to be done. I climbed inside a shopping cart and made the greeter push me up and down the aisles in search of the scooter scoundrels. I was going to confront each and every one of them and give them a piece of my mind.

My first scooter sighting was in aisle two, near the paper products. It was being ridden by an old man wearing army fatigues. I called out to him to stop.

"Hey shithead! What the hell do you think you're doing on that motorized scooter??!" I yelled.

"I - I - I'm a veteran. I'm picking up some paper plates and napkins for a special July 4th dinner we're having at the VFW," he replied in a shaky voice.

"Veteran, eh?" I asked skeptically. "I don't buy it. You look just a little too much like a veteran. Let's see some proof, old timer!"

"Well, I think I have my I.D. here somewhere," he muttered as he struggled to reach for his wallet. As he did so, he threw the scooter's load out of balance. Sure enough, the scooter tipped over on its side and pinned the old man underneath it. I could hear his brittle bones snapping under the weight.

"CLEANUP ON AISLE TWO!" I screamed toward the front of the store as we fled the scene.

Our next stop was the bakery department, where I encountered the second scooter. This one was occupied by a kid with no legs. He was filling his basket with an assortment of Little Debbie snack cakes.

"Whoa there," I said, pointing to the empty space where his legs would be. "Don't tell me you're a veteran too."

"No sir. I'm taking these delicious snack cakes to the Independence Day picnic we're having at the children's hospital," he said humbly.

"Yeah, whatever. Tell me, is there anything wrong with your arms, boy??" I asked.

"Umm...No sir," he answered.

"Then why don't you GET OUT and CRAWL, you little punk!" I screamed as I reached for the steering wheel. Just then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turns out it was the kid's dad. Daddy was big...and daddy was mad.

I turned to my chauffeur: "Produce section, and STEP ON IT!!!"

It was there that I found the third and final scooter. Behind the wheel was a gorgeous redhead chick with big jugs. She was wearing a blue and white plaid blouse and a straw hat. I pulled up beside her, reached over, and squeezed her canteloupes.

"My, those are nice and firm," I said with a wink and a smile. "What's your name?"

"Why thank you," she replied. "My name is Debbie."

"Say Debbie, what's with the scooter?" I asked. "You don't look handicapped."

"Oh, I'm not," she admitted. "I'm just a lazy fucker who doesn't feel like walking."

I told her I admired her honesty, then asked her if she'd like to take the scooter out to the parking lot and do wheelies in it.

"I'd rather take you to the back alley, kiss your bad knee, and show you my poon," she said.

Without missing a beat, I jumped out of my cart, gave the DyckMart greeter a quarter for his time, and mounted the back of her scooter. I'll leave the rest to your imaginations, but let's just say we made our own fireworks that night.

And yes, she ate my weiner.


22 comments:

Sassy Blondie said...

What a load of shit! No way the greeter was that helpful.

Make sure to tell us about your next dream, Dyck. This one was a doozy.

Anonymous said...

glad to hear your weiner is gone you manslut L

blog Portland said...

Poon on the 4th of July. God Bless America.

Nancy said...

32 weiners? all in one sitting?

Heidi Fleiss wants your phone number.

Legaleagle said...

That was you?

Scary Monster said...

Well ifffin Debbi'll do Dallas Me be pretty sure she'll do Dyckerson too.

StomP!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Blondie - You're turning on me. Dyckerson is not pleased.

Lindsay - Why don't you get some of your freckles sanded off, whore??

McFatty - Indeed. Isn't this a great country?

Nancy - Way to be topical.

Eagle - What, you didn't recognize my weiner?

Monster - Debbie will do anything for a box of Oatmeal Creme Pies.

puerileuwaite said...

What? You DIDN'T go all "General Patton" on the first two and bitchslap them with a leather glove? That'll cost you one stripe.

Sornie said...

I have to ask if the weiner she ate had a gooey, cheesy filling. Just askin'.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-My mistake. I thought you were relaying a dream. Who knew you had such an exciting REAL life! I'm still waiting on my campaign button though. The turn isn't complete yet...

ADW said...

Ahhhh... you waited until the end of it, but you managed to slip in the poon - Ha Ha, I didn't even realize how that would sound as I was writing it. Slip in the Poon - that can be used in so many different ways

Antonio said...

I'm too disturbed by the old man wearing the Wal-Mart bag to even process the rest of this post.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

"...and mounted the back of her scooter. I'll leave the rest to your imaginations."

Not necessary, since you already told us you mounted the back of her scooter.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - I don't wear gloves...except my "love glove." I suppose I could have slapped them with a used prophylactic.

Sornie - Maybe I wasn't clear. When I say weiner, I'm actually talking about my PENIS!!!

Blondie - What's your address? I'll deliver it in person.

ADW - I always manage to slip in the poon, if you know what I'm saying. And I think you do.

Tony - Well, would you prefer paper or plastic?

Cherry - I said I mounted her scooter, not her pooter. ...I guess I see your point.

Jenny! said...

You should have invited the helpful greeter for sloppy seconds...a quarter...you cheap bastard! I bet she totally dug your weiner, but did she have enough sense to spit!

tfg said...

You finally got a human female to show you her poon and she turns out to be a cannibal. You're not a very lucky guy.

Anonymous said...

No way dirtbag! The freckles are one of my uniquest qualities! I just got out of the drying out place and I'm comin' ova and sittin' on ya face! (That's POETRY peckerhead, read it again HA!).............L

RevRee said...

Hey, kobayashi,eat this!

P.S. I'm back...

~ Stacy ~ said...

So, she ate your wiener. Big hairy-ass deal. She still has another 32 to go in order to beat your 2002 gobbling record.

Sooooo, when are ya getting fitted for a bladder bag, Mr. Wienerless?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jenny - DyckMart greeters are trained to be swallowers.

TFG - What does her religion have to do with this?

Lindsay - I think it's time you did a few weeks in the slammer.

RevRee - Were you ever gone?

Stacy - My wiener regenerates itself...like a starfish's legs.

Just telling it like it is said...

OMG you are the most romantic man I know..

It's Me... Maven said...

I'm sorry did you say anything after gobbling weiners?

:)I got distracted!

But then again, it might be the drugs!