I'm Gonna Be Rich, Bitch!

Do you own an iPod? How about a cell phone? Do you have a Dingleberry? Does it have Blackteeth? What about a digital camera?? Surely you have a calculator, right? If you answered YES to any of these queries, I want you to stop reading this post RIGHT NOW and gather up those items. Got em? Good! Now I command you to carry them into the nearest lavatory and FLUSH THEM DOWN THE SHITTER.

Why would I tell you to do such a crazy thing? Because on June 29th, you won't need any of them. That's the date when Apple's revolutionary new iPhone goes on sale nationwide! With the iPhone, you can listen to music, make a phone call, read The Mighty Blog, check your email, send a text message, and take a picture of your own gonads - ALL AT THE SAME TIME - using Apple's innovative new touch screen interface! AMAZING!!!

You're probably wondering why I'm utilizing valuable blog space to plug something that isn't even out yet. The reason is simple. It is because I care about you, my faithful readers. And I truly believe that the iPhone will improve your quality of life. I'm banking on it improving the quality of MY life, because as of last month I have FIVE THOUSAND CLAMS invested in Apple stock. Yeah, it's a bit risky. But as Grandpa Dyckerson always says when he's not rubbing pork rinds on himself, "No risk, no reward." And I'm counting on my reward being EARLY RETIREMENT. This ain't gonna be like three years ago when the popular Giggle search engine had its IPO. I was all set to sink a big hunk of change in their stock. That is, until I made the mistake of listening to one of them so-called investment experts on TV. They insisted that at $75 per share, Gaggle was overvalued. Well guess what. Today that stock is trading for over FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS per share! That's nearly DOUBLE!!!

This time I'm not going to be fucked up the ass. So I need all of you losers to start saving up, 'cause at five hundred bucks a pop, iPhones ain't cheap. Of course, I'm sure many of you have questions about this exciting new product. With that in mind, I have set up this handy FAQ:

Q: Will iPhone sync with iTunes?
A: How the fuck should I know? Do I look like a 13-year-old nerd??

Q: Any suggestions on where I can come up with $500?

A: Sell your blood. Or a kidney. Or your fingers.

Q: I just sold my fingers so I could purchase an iPhone. Will I be able to use the touch screen?
A: Certainly. Any heat-producing bodily protrusion will suffice.

Q: How many megapixels does the built-in camera have?

A: How many what?? Megapixel isn't a word. You just made that shit up.

Q: If you make a lot of money on this, will you share it with your loyal fans who bought an iPhone?

I'd love to answer more of your questions, but that's all the time we have for today. In the meantime, MARK YOUR CALENDARS for June 29th! Remember, Christmas is right around the corner...and iPhones make great stocking stuffers! Buy one for the whole family, plus extra ones for your mailman and paper boy!!! And tell 'em Dyckie sentcha!!!


tfg said...

Since the government's new purpose is assraping the American public, bet on the companies who are doing the raping. I can't describe the magnitude of the woodies that I've received from CSH, NAT (look at the yield), CXW, and DPHIQ.PK (bought at $0.29 a pop).

Betting on a company that sells unnecessary items in the face of a mortgage/inflation meltdown sounds like a good way to get hosed.

Disclaimer: The author does not hold shares of any of the above issues. He thinks the stock market is likely to drop faster than Karla's panties in the Globetrotter's locker room and consequently is in cash.

Ari said...

Iphones, uggh, just another device that won't work like its supposed to and everyne will have more credit card debt.

blog Portland said...

Will you be able to look up the proper conjugation for the word "innovate" on this fancy new device as well? As in, "using Apple's innovative new touch screen..."

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Man, I hope Ms. Babble's panties don't drop. By now they're so big, the impact could cause a 6.5 earthquake.

Ari - That's what I'm hoping for!!!

McFatty - Touch THIS, pal.

Antonio said...

I have a friend who manages a wireless store. He has to work the 29th, 30th, 1st, and 2nd, including 14 hours the 29th and 12 hours the 30th. I hope you bastards are happy that regular joes like him are keeping your coffers full!

Webmiztris said...

is this a pay per post? is Apple there holding you by the balls to make you write this stuff? no way I'm buying a $500 phone. I wouldn't even buy it if it were $50. I hate being on the phone!

ADW said...

I am a geek. I want, I want, I want. I don't care how much it costs because I am using a combination of chicanery and psychotropic drugs to get the head honchos at my company to buy one for me.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I'm thinking of trading in my dingleberries (this morning I think I had about 4) for an iPhone. I figure, I can always get more of them.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Oh great. Another expensive piece of electronics for my husband to lose, or drive over, or jump into the swimming pool with.

Thanks for the update, Mr. Dyckerson. Consider me thrilled.


Bostick said...

How about this!

Stop being such a flaming homosexual and maybe you will get laid by women!

Turn off word verification.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Antonio - Your friend should shut up and appreciate the overtime.

Miz - You will buy the iPhone or I will stalk you for the rest of your life!!

ADW - That's the spirit! Tell your boss to buy you an extra one for your car!

Cherry - Fine. Just make sure you pluck the hairs out of them first.

Stacy - Good point. You better buy four or five of them.

Bastuck - Well look who came crawling back. You just couldn't stay away from ole Dyck, could you???

latinbombshell said...

I would buy one if it included a vibrator.

Legaleagle said...

I'm one of three people on the planet who doesn't have a camera phone. What the hell would I do with a phone/camera/iPod/space shuttle programmer? I will not contribute to your wealth (or lack thereof).

But seriously, do you even have standards about what you post anymore?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - Well it is a phone...and I assume you can set the ring tone to vibrate. Shall I put you down for three??

Eagle - Of course I have standards. They just happen to be low. I'll put you down for seven iPhones.

Tyler Durden said...

Nice picture of the shitter. How drunk do you have to be to go to the bathroom, make it to the toilet, drop your pants and still shit all over the place like that? I understand peeing on the toilet, but shitting on it?

Dixie said...

See, that thing does way too much stuff that I don't need it to do. Plus I'd never learn how to use it. I still can't get photos from my cell phone to my computer.

Aza said...

If I drop $500 bucks on one, that bitch better take me to a movie and buy me dinner first.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I sold my fingers, and I'm using my willie to dial my phone, but I'm hitting too many numbers at once. How can I get my bologna-pony filed down?

It's Me... Maven said...

I wanna know who snapped that toilet pic, because that was also the day I accidentally shit in my shoe... and I'd like to see a snapshot of that.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Tyler - C'mon, you never heard of the phrase "marking your territory"??

Dixie - Believe it or not, the more iPhones you buy, the easier they are to use! I'm putting you down for 20.

Aza - Nope, but it will give you herpes.

Noise - I'd go with a belt sander.

Maven - I'll send you a picture of that on your new iPhone, which you can purchase on June 29th!

Sassy Blondie said...

What? Who NEEDS all a phone that does all of that? Besides, we'll be able to get some knockoff variety next year for less than half that price AND it may well include a vibrator.

I'm considering iPod panties as we speak...

Aza said...

That is your sales pitch!?!? It won't take you to dinner but it will give you herpes!

pfft! Well now I've just gotta have one!

Scary Monster said...

Where's Me comment? Where's Me bloomin comment? Fuck! Me cant be bothered with writing another smart ass reply to your inanities...