6/09/2007

I Hate My Job

I hate my job. I am not kidding. My job is exactly like Office Space, only I don't get to go home and bang Jennifer Aniston every night.

I hate my job. You want to know what I did at work last week? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I sat at my fucking desk and stared at a fucking computer screen for 40 hours. Actually, I take that back. I did do about one hour of work. And I read some emails. And I attended a boring-ass meeting to which I contributed nothing. So that's about two hours of semi-productivity out of a possible 40. Oh yeah, and I also wrote this blog post at work. In fact, I write most of my blog posts at work these days. I type them up in Notepad, email them to myself, and when I get home, I dump it into Blogger and add the pictures and shit. But I doubt any of this would count toward productivity as far as my company is concerned.

I hate my job. Some of you probably think I've got it made. I go to work in a climate controlled office, do nothing, and get paid for the opportunity. Who wouldn't love that?? You might be surprised. Time creeps by insanely slowly when you're doing nothing. And I do mean NOTHING. My goddamn computer screen faces toward a busy hallway, and the manager's fucking office is right across from me...which means I can't surf the net, I can't play computer solitaire, I can't even jerk my gerkin. I get away with writing my blog posts by shrinking the Notepad window down to a small box with (SQL Server 2005 in the background) and using a miniscule 6-pt font.

I hate my job. My co-workers are asshats. One guy in my department was out all week with some horrible illness. Honest to God, I was jealous of him. Another guy in my department (salsa boy) is a hypochondriac. He constantly complains about chest pains, yet when he goes to the doctor, they tell him he's fine. Yet another guy is trying to win employee of the century. He's like 23 years old, and he's currently rewriting and streamlining every in-house process and procedure to increase efficiency. That stupid goddamn bastard. What Doogie doesn't realize is, if he keeps that shit up, he'll eventually put all of us in the unemployment line...himself included. Then there's the team lead. He's the poster boy for conspicuous consumption. Yesterday, the materialistic little prick drove his brand new high-performance motorcycle to work just so he could show it off. Every five minutes, he'd wander by my cube and share another fun fact about his bike. ("You know that puppy goes from 0 to 60 in five seconds flat!") I stole his helmet and prayed for an oil spill on I-95 during the evening rush.

I hate my job. I especially hate my boss. I have to listen to him in his office all day as he rambles on ad nauseum, using meaningless terms like "functional matrix" and "deliverables" and "actional components" and "gap analysis" and "metrics" and "stratification" and "high level goals" and "distributed users" and "audit trail" and "ad hoc" and "resource snapshot report"...and that's ALL IN ONE SENTENCE. Sounds like he swallowed a textbook on corporate management. In a meeting the other day, he told us he wants to start having "brown bag sessions." WTF IS A BROWN BAG SESSION? If he thinks I'm going to spend my lunch hour sitting around a table and listening to his oral diarrhea, he better think again. I got a brown bag with something in it just for him...and it ain't a bologna sandwich.

I hate my job. I'd rather exhume dead animals from a pet cemetery in 90 degree heat. At least I'd be outdoors getting some fresh...well, getting some air. Every day would be chock full of surprises, and I'd have plenty of colorful stories to pass on to my grandchildren.

I hate my job. Now they want us to work an extra half hour a day FOR THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY. Their argument is that we only work 37.5 hours per week (8:30am-5:00pm minus an hour for lunch.) Technically they're right, but as I said earlier, just because I'm physically at the office doesn't mean I'm actually working. They can make me come in a half hour earlier, but rest assured I'll be spending that 30 minutes looking for new ways to integrate the word POON into my blog posts.

I hate my job. I just thought of another reason my boss is a butt puppet. Ever since he started here last fall, he has been all about documenting EVERYTHING. Now I've gotta stop what I'm doing every ten minutes to write down what I'm working on. Then at the end of the week, I fill out another spreadsheet listing my "accomplishments" and email it to the team lead. The team lead then emails it to my boss, who then emails it to his boss, and so on and so on. We have meetings to discuss how we can better document our documentation, and then we have to document the meetings themselves. His argument is that he needs to know what's going on in case someone asks him. Maybe if the idiot would emerge from his cage every once in a while and TALK TO PEOPLE, he'd know what the fuck is on around here - namely NOTHING.

I hate my job. Yesterday one of my brighter co-workers brought in a toy dart gun that shoots little darts with suction cups on the end. He spent the latter half of the day roaming around the cube farm shooting darts at people, much to their unamusement. Then he decided to shoot them on the ceiling. Great idea, Copurnicus. The ceiling is 10' high. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO GET THEM DOWN??! The answer: They're still up there, and the dart gun is in the trash.

I hate my job. I worked in television production for about a dozen years. I was pretty good at it, but the hours and the working conditions sucked, so I finally got out. Sometimes I think about going back, but I do just enough part-time/freelance work in the biz to remind myself how much it sucks. And no way am I taking a $30K pay cut to go work for some lousy TV station that treats its production staff like cockroaches...unless, of course, I get a job offer from the 24-hour poon network.

I hate my job. I've thought about doing a lot of other things. I really don't give a shit what I do, as long as I can work for myself. That's the key. I considered day trading, but I believe that requires knowing something about stocks and bonds. Next I thought about real estate investing. I'd love to try flipping houses, but I can't find a spatula big enough. Then I toyed with the idea of learning a trade. Not plumbing though, unless it's new construction. I'm not unclogging any shitter unless it's mine. Electricians make pretty good money, don't they? All I'd need is a few tools, some business cards, and one of those big white vans like the kidnappers drive. Speaking of which, kidnapping might not be a bad profession. I've always wanted to work with children. I've actually had some of my blog fans tell me I should write a book. How does one do that exactly? Don't you need...I don't know, a SUBJECT or something? I mean, I can write blog posts all day. Hell, I could pluck a nose hair and turn that into a 12-part series. But an entire book??! Would people actually pay money to read this garbage?? If so, this world is even more fucked up than I imagined.

I hate my job. Please help me find another one before I go on a shooting rampage. Better hurry - I hear the motorcycle twit coming this way.

39 comments:

Crashtest Comic said...

stop moaning

tfg said...

You'd probably have to do a 4 year apprenticeship as an electrician. If the trade unions are strong in area, give it up--you'll never get in.

Anonymous said...

Is that little blue house the Dyckhouse? Lindsay

blog Portland said...

If you keep this shit up, I may start to feel even more sorry for you than usual.

Willo Keays said...

You have grandchildren?! You and Rev should really keep a better eye on Jr!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

CTC - Who's moaning? I mean, besides yo momma...when I was with her last night?

TFG - Hey, I love that Apprenticeship show! Would I get to meet Donald Trump??

Lindsay - No, mine is a double wide.

McFatty - I didn't know that was possible.

Willo - I wouldn't have a "Jr" if I hadn't put my "eye" in RevRee...

Little Lamb said...

Anytime you want to trade jobs,I'll trade with you.

Anonymous said...

your banana is brown. L

puerileuwaite said...

Turn that frown upside down! It could be worse. Why, you COULD be:

1) Rosie O'Donnell's bicycle seat
2) Fluffer for gay porn
3) Septic tank cleaner trainee, with no tools provided
4) Peep show booth cleaner armed only with a rusty spatula
5) Ted Nugent's loincloth attendent
6) Urine tester
7) Traffic school instructor
8) Anne Heche's psychologist
9) Salsa guy's proctologist

So think of your job as "poon", substitute "love" for "hate", and carpe diem!

Antonio said...

Oh bitch, bitch, bitch. At least you've got food in the fridge and a roof over your head. Some people have to jerk off livestock for their job. You 'd perform that job rather well, methinks.

BTW, if you do nothing, what do you write on your spreadsheets, listing what you did?

Legaleagle said...

If you wrote a book, you'd actually have to finish it....unlike youre 124354432 part series about The Price is Right.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lambo - Thanks, but I don't think your G-string will fit me.

Lindsay - Who said it's a banana?

P - Actually I wouldn't mind being a traffic instructor. I'd love to weed out all the dipshits and asshats clogging our roadways.

Antonio - I believe this week's entry was: "Spearheaded new initiative to implement high level excellence in all actionable components."

Eagle - My, aren't we bitter!

~ Stacy ~ said...

So. How's the job?

[heh]

6pt font, eh. Damn. I'm impressed.

Uh... "...poster boy for conspicuous consumption." I don't get it.

'Stratification': I like that word. What's it mean?

"...can't find a spatula big enough."
"I've always wanted to work with children." - [chuckle] You're such a punny clown.

Sorry to see you frown.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Sounds like you a need a pre-meeting to your meeting with POON. Or asshats.

PetStarr said...

Excuse me, I bleeve you have my stapler? It's just that, it's my stapler and it's mine and I bleeve you have it. They said I could keep my stapler because it's mine and...

Dixie said...

Want my job? I'm ready to leave, and they'll need a replacemnt.

mist1 said...

I am not cut out to be a contributing member of society. I've never had a job that I didn't hate. I am still holding out hope that there is a trust fund for me. My parents clearly, have not come clean with me.

Crunchy BC said...

Wal-Mart Greeter seems appropriate. That, or making license plates - a trade you're destined to experience in any case.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - You know you don't have to comment on every little thing I say...

Irish - You're alive! Update your blog!!

Petstarr - You gonna burn down my house?

Dixie - No thanks. I don't think your G-string will fit me. (Wow! That's TWICE I got to use that joke!)

Mist1 - Is your last name Hilton by any chance?

CBC - As a license plate maker, at least I'd be putting out a useful product...as opposed to you and your tired old Ovaltine jokes.

ADW said...

I hated my previous job. Now I am doing the same thing for more money and less stress (for now anyway). I am still waiting for someone to jump out of my bush and yell "surprise!! this isn't really your job, we were just messin' with ya"

I do think you should write a book - it would be something to read on the toilet.

Legaleagle said...

I'm not bitter! But, I really can't sympathize because I'm that person that everyone gets annoyed with because I love my job. Please feel free to groan now.

Trish said...

So, I take it you don't like your job much?

Scary Monster said...

Me hates yer job too! In fact, me gonna quit today and try fer an apprenticeship at Placenta's house of obstectrics.

PLOP.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Wow, you sound like a Michael Bolton. I say, burn the place down.

Aza said...

I think you’d make an effing awesome arms dealer; you should know that I fully support that endeavor should you choose to pursue it!

Why settle for the mundane? If that falls through, you could always be a livestock pimp, gansta rapper, suicide bomber or grave robber.

There are plenty of options out there, Dyck- ya just gotta get creative and think outside the box (or in your case, cube).

Absolute worst case scenario, you could always join me in the drug trade.

Just telling it like it is said...

So your saying that you hate your job right?
Have you ever tried to get a job as a cabanna boy I hear it is manual labor but my pool boy likes it??

Webmiztris said...

i'm loving that you write these posts in a 6 pt. font. now THAT'S dedication! LOL

I only do about an hour of work a day at my job too, but since I'm allowed to surf the internet when nothing is going on, I don't have ANY complaints.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ADW - The last time something jumped out of MY bush, I had to burn all my underwear.

Eagle - You make me sick.

Trish - I can't sneak anything past you, can I?

Monster - Placenta?? That strikes a familiar cord... SNIP!

Cherry - I hate that no-talent assclown.

Aza - Actually I was a grave robber, I could moonlight as an arms dealer...and a legs dealer...and a torso dealer...

JTILIS - I once ate a banana while wearing a bandana in my cabana.

Miz - An hour a day?? All that laying on your back must wear you out.

Just telling it like it is said...

that's funny..banana in your cabana...maybe I should tell my pool boy to do that...oh but that would be naughty hu?

Anonymous said...

I red your post about doing nothing and hating your job... I feel exactly the same... you are not alone

What would happen if all the smart people would actually do something instead of slaving to the corporate? Huh! Maybe we should do something... corporate traps you with a paycheck and mortgage... bastards!

Anonymous said...

OMG...I think we work in the same office. Don't lose your humorous outlook on the situation. I know it's ridiculously sad but true...I work in a place just like it. Your view of it made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Frickin hilarious, I needed a laugh today. I work in retail sales and dumbasses are bothering me all day long. I get asked the same questions everyday. A monkey could do my job. I hope they get one to replace me.

Anonymous said...

I hate my job. So I googled "hate my job" and found this. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU whoever you are, you just helped me NOT commit suicide in my office.


I think I love you.

Anonymous said...

I too googled "I hate my job" and this site came up! I was hoping it was an ongoing site, I've been back a couple of times, but nothing has been added. Please make this a daily blog...I hate my job too and need some pleasant reading while at work so I can avoid doing anything productive!!

Anonymous said...

I also just googled 'I hate my job' and feel...comfort? after reading this. I work for a giant entertainment company, and apparently people would be kicking down doors to be in my position. Yet somehow, every day, I feel my soul get a little more sucked and devoured and my brain is definitely starting to rot. Please make this a daily blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi, i am in an IT job in India. Many a time, i feel i could just fall off the chair and die of boredom. A Real boring and low growth job too. Sheesh...if i was in a white country, i would just go and work in a library or at the Burger shop. Alas, in India, IT is the only job that pays well (i am obviously not including doctors, management professionals, corrupt politicians, businessmen, thieves etc lol)

Anonymous said...

I really envy people who enjoy their jobs. You really need luck to get such a job. I have all the qualifications - an Engineering degree, a Sun Solaris certification. Yet i am stuck doing really unmotivating dumb work . Fuck man..there has to be some justice in this world !!! I remember one CRM consultant at my earlier firm ; he really loved his job. I could see the enthusiasm in his eyes when he used to talk about his work. I am 6 yrs now into software Testing and man, i really dont care much anymore.

Anonymous said...

I googled "I hate my job" and landed on this site. Great blog.

It makes me feel better that I am not the only person in the world with this feeling.

Sometimes I feel I am living in Dilbert's world. The work I do is so stupid. Being a "financial analyst" for the gov't is a joke.

Ben J. said...

I did the same - googled "I hate my job"

Fuck'n'A - I am there with ya. THese little whiny assholes who say they love their jobs are nothing but house slave bitches who love their masters who waste all of our time.

And spreadsheets for what right?
Chances are that you sell a fucking pair of pants, a cup of coffee or a goddamn disc of software. None of that requires a spreadsheet - so why in hell would a fucking business pay assholes like me to sit there and surf the internet, read blogs about people in my predicament and then pretend as if we are working.

I have a boss who told me to capitalize every first letter on every cell in this spreadsheet. I hate my fucking job.

Good luck finding another job - you have to have some sort of high level specialization - 4 years of education and 5 years practical experience. And these are jobs like being a fucking line cook or something.