I Hate Asshats In Shitwagons

This is the vehicle of an asshat. It's one of those Subaru Outback deals that doesn't know whether it's a station wagon or an SUV. I cast my vote for station wagon. Note where this eyesore is parked. See that vertical thing in the foreground that looks like a tree trunk? That would be the trunk of a tree. The only tree that provides any shade in the whole Godforsaken parking lot where I work. Furthermore, only one parking space gets any shade from that tree. And up til last week, that space was occupied by the DyckMobile each and every business day. For some strange reason, none of the idiots I work with have wanted to park there. They'd rather park in direct sunlight on a hot summer day and bake themselves in a 120 degree car during their evening commute.

Well apparently someone is on to my little game. Every fucking morning for the last week, I have arrived at work at my normal time only to find MY SPACE occupied by this goddamn Subaru Outback. "Outback" - what a joke that name is. That fucking piece of shit hasn't been off of pavement since it was rolling down the assembly line. (At least it isn't a Ford Taurus.) Anyway, I know exactly who owns this thing. He isn't a newbie. He's a middle aged, golf playing, country clubbing, elitist little snot and I hate him. Fortunately I don't have to see him often, as he only seems to work about 20 hours a week. I guess regular office hours don't apply to him since he's older than dirt and has been here since the Taft administration. Every day he comes in around 10am, drinks three pots of coffee, sits in on a few conference calls (which I am forced to listen to from my adjacent cube), and then he's outta there. Meanwhile, there I stay, busier than a one armed midget in a dildo factory.* But at least I end my day by driving home in a nice cool vehicle.

But now all that has come to an end. Starting last week, that cocksucker began arriving BEFORE me...just so he can steal MY SPACE, and I know he's doing it just to piss me off. What kind of sick psychopath would do such a thing?? It shudders me to think that someone this devious would be allowed to walk the streets.

Obviously I'll have to exact my revenge. Maybe I'll come in early and litter the parking space with nails and broken glass. Or perhaps I'll erect a "Handicrapped Parking" sign and break my own legs so I can park there. Nah, not a good idea. Where the hell am I going to get a "Handicrapped Parking" sign? Better yet, I'll make my own sign:



Wow, that's a lot of lettering. I better get started - this project could take all weekend. Anybody got any crayons??

* I have no idea what that means, but it sounded good, didn't it??


Sassy Blondie said...

Dyck-There's only ONE tree in the whole parking lot? WTF? Is it a special tree? Was it one of those Arbor Day bullshit trees that some effin tree hugger in the office planted years ago?

And what, pray tell, was that asshat thinking when buying a "sporty" Outback? Wake up folks, it IS an effin station wagon. I say don't worry about signs. Just cut out stencils with your name on it so that it looks like it's your reserved space. If he parks there, call security and have his ass towed. (I actually always wanted to do that!)

blog Portland said...

It's still a step above a Subaru Safari, which is the filthy inbred offspring of a car, SUV, and truck.

As for the midget one-liner, it's going in my book. Expect royalty checks.

Aza said...

I'd pee in his coffee (and that guy tfg works with), cut down the tree or both.


Anonymous said...

there's always the subtle act of slipping a note under the windshield asking him not to park in your space again.

Oh wait ... that would be too nice.

Never mind.

Nancy said...

Stay after work one night ... climb the tree and hang a well stocked bird feeder on a branch just above his w/shield area ... put lots of blueberries in it too ... problem should be solved in a week and you can have your space back.

Beege said...

Dyck, there is only one solution to this horrific tragidy your living. You need to give this fucktard a good ol' Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face. It only makes sense. I'm just sayin'.

puerileuwaite said...

I like Nancy's idea, only it's too damned subtle. So instead, bring a decently sized tree limb to work (it's even funnier if it doesn't match the tree). Put a large crease in the hood of the shitwagon, and place the limb over it.

Then provide a reinforcing story on Conference Call about how it happened to someone else previously, and that's why no one in his right mind parks there. Then piss in his coffee just to pile on the bad karma. Problem solved.

Webmiztris said...

I understand wanting the shade, but don't birds shit all over the car when you have it parked under the tree?

tfg said...

Call AAA and say it's your car and have it towed far, far away.

busier than a one armed midget in a dildo factory....my way was so much better.

Aza said...

Oh! You could always hire local hoodlums to spray paint “I heart my job as a one armed midget in a dildo factory!” ("Poon Wagon!" (borrowed from Kill Bill) will work too) down the length of his shitwagon on both sides. Then contact the uppers and tell them you're so offended you're going to sue if he isn't dismissed post haste. (Then pee in his coffee)

Scary Monster said...

You could always drive your clown wagon over his and park it on top of his lame surburban go-getter. Iffin the monkey mobile can make it's way throught he pet cemetary me be pretty sure the asshats vehicle would be easy pickins.


Or you could just crap on his windshield instead of waiting for the birds to do it.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Blondie - There are a few other trees, but they're all wimpy leafless twigs that provide no shade. And fuck security. I have a Jeep. I'll tow his ass myself!

McFatty - Yeah, I liked the Safari better when it was called the EL CAMINO.

Aza - Hmm...Would pee coffee count as decaf?

Willo - Or how about I remove his windshield (with a rock) and carve a note on his dashboard??

Nancy - Me climb a tree?? What do you think I am, some sort of monkey clown??!

Beege - Don't be ridiculous. How am I going to get Chuck Norris?

P - Now THAT'S using the ole' bean! I'm putting you down for 100 iPhones!

Miz - Not around here. But maybe I'll drop a deuce on his hood, spray paint it green, and blame a bird.

TFG - Better yet, I'll call AA and sign him up for 30 days in rehab.

Aza - Good idea. Where can I find hoodlums in the yellow pages?

Monster - Can't do it. The tire tracks would give me away. (Damn that Marisa Tomei!)

Legaleagle said...

Set his car on fire. That may get your point across.

Dixie said...

Sadly, I'd trade my Taurus for that Outback anyday. *hangs head in shame*

~ Stacy ~ said...

Hmph! That asshat wins either way. Either he gets your place in the shade, or he causes you to have to get up even earlier to beat him to it.

You could toss some abc gum near his driver-side door everyday. Maybe he'd get tired of sticking to the pavement and decide to park elsewhere.

Eh... or you could just borrow my red crayon. It's Crayola.

tfg said...

I always get my cars at Pinkley Ford. There is nothing better than a Pinkley Taurus.

Bostick said...

I will have to agree with you completly on this one. Those cars are grocery getting station wagons all the way.

I had this same argument a few years back with a girl that bought one. She wanted to fight the fact that it was a wagon. What an asshat.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - Can't risk it. A spark could ignite the tree, and there goes my shady spot.

Dixie - I'd trade both of them for more pics of you in a bikini!

Stacy - What the fuck is abc gum???

TFG - I don't get it. Is that another one of your obscure Baltimore references than only three people understand?

Bistock - Wow, we agree on something! This is quite a moment! Come here, let's hug it out.

tfg said...

Yes, we are well aware that you don't get Pinkley Taurus. You should work on that, though. Nothing makes a woman happier than finding her Pinkley Taurus.

Dixie said...

Dyck - If I had anymore, I'd post them for ya!

OOOOHHH!! Tfg, now I get it.


It's Me... Maven said...

Here's a tried and true method. This is the season for it too:)

First you save up a week's worth of urine in a big assed jug.

Then you set it outside in the sun to ferment a bit.

Then when you arrive at work, without anyone looking, you pour the aforementioned fermented excreta into the vents near the windshield.

You can do this repeatedly, as I think cumulatively, it can only intensify the result.

Fermented piss + baking in hot car + air conditioning = fun!!

Anyway, I highly recommend Screw Unto Others, by George Hayduke. One year for xmas I bought "Up Yours!" for my dad. He still talks about it:)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Oh, I get it now. It's a gay joke, right?

Dixie - I'll come over with my camera. We'll make some!

Maven - Brilliant! And the best part is, I've already got the jug of urine. (Don't ask.)

Legaleagle said...

ooh, good point. Well then, I guess you could slash his tires and pour pigs blood in the gas tank. I hear that works....

Anonymous said...

Mighty Dyckerson went past my site where I care not what the fuck you post,,,to get to my 6 week old granddaughters picture site...where he posted this comment

there once was a boy from Nantucket
who's dick was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wipped off his chin
if my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it

You should all be very proud of your hero...