6/17/2007

Dyckerson For President - Issue #12: Health Care Reform

So last week I was told I had to attend the company's annual benefits meeting after work at the local Marriott. Great, I thought. Free dinner and a short, painless 20-minute spiel on health insurance. Maybe I'll even score some interoffice poon! Wrong on all three counts.

The big whoop-de-doo was Tuesday night. I arrived at the hotel promptly at 5:30pm, and I brought my appetite with me. I was fully expecting a huge spread of assorted cold cuts, pasta salads, mixed alcoholic beverages, and tasty dessert items. Silly me. All they had to offer was Diet Pepsi and little cheese chunks with toothpicks jammed into them. Just what I need. Soda gives me gas, cheese binds me up, and toothpicks give me splinters in my sphincter. So I just grabbed a wad of napkins and stuffed them down my crotch.

Before I could wield my powers of seduction on the office slut, it was time for the presentation to begin. Imagine my surprise when I was told we would have not one...not two....but FOUR DIFFERENT SPEAKERS! Not only that, but before the evening was over, I would be loaded down with five booklets, seven pamphlets, ten leaflets, and a whopping thirteen Chiclets. No wonder health insurance is so fucking expensive. By the end of the night, I had enough paper to line every bird cage in America...for a YEAR!!

Our first contestant was a fat bald man who talked to us about our new provider which I've never heard of. He was excited to tell us about the three amazingly simple plans we had to choose from. The first plan is what they call a HOMO. I think I might have an extra O in there somewhere, but you know what I mean. This plan has the lowest copayments, but I can only choose between the three doctors in their network, all of whom do business out the trunks of various older model vehicles. The second plan , called WRP (Wallet Rape Plan), is so named because the out-of-pocket expenses are much higher, but you can actually choose a doctor who didn't obtain all his medical equipment off of CraigsList. The last plan is called FTIRS, or Fuck The IRS. This plan basically covers nothing. Instead, you put your own pre-income tax dollars into an expense account and spend it on whatever the hell you want, thereby reducing your taxable income. For example, if Ms. Babble shelled out $2000 to get her tubes tied, her income tax for that year would be reduced by $3.69. Confused yet? Just wait, I'm not even warmed up yet.

Our second contestant was a fat old chick who talked about our new prescription plan. Again, we were promised a SIMPLE PLAN. For example, our copay for a brand name tier 1 drug from an out-of-network pharmacy is $40, but the copay for a generic tier 3 drug from a network pharmacy is only $15. However, if you require a tier 1 drug AND tier 3 drug, that adds up to a tier 4, in which case you pay a special $30 coinsurance...unless you go for the generic, which is only $15. Or you can opt for the anytime nights and weekends plan, where you can purchase your drugs anywhere in the continental United States with no roaming charges. See how easy that is??? In my case, I'm going to stick with the Dyckerson plan. I treat all my ailments with vodka and poon.

Next up was the life insurance dude. He was a skinny old white guy in a fancy suit. Mr. Distinguished Gentleman enjoyed taking off his glasses and using them to point to his colorful PowerPoint slides. I don't even think the moron really needed glasses. I bet he just bought the damn frames just so he could use them to point at things. Made no difference to me, because I didn't listen to a word he said. I'm not leaving ONE RED CENT for my idiot relatives to squander. I'm taking it all with me.

Last and certainly least, there was the cancer insurance jackass. This kid looked to be all of 22 years old. It's nice to know his company cared enough about us to send over their INTERN. I had no idea what the fuck cancer insurance was, but according to Junior, apparently you can now purchase a policy that will pay for your wigs in the event that you require chemo. I shit you not. These people have thought of everything. But why stop there? How about insurance for alcoholics - you know, to pay for the root beer and AA meetings? Or Tourettes Syndrome insurance, to pay for the duct tape to put over your mouth??

After over ONE HOUR of this horse shit, we were finally allowed to escape. And it's a good thing too. Another five minutes and I would've had to put in a claim to my asshole insurance policy to reimburse me for the 30 rounds of ammo I would have emptied in that room.

Clearly this country needs major health care reform. And as your next President, I shall make it my top priority to unprivatize health insurance and lower costs. That's right, you heard me. From now on, when you go to the doctor for some bogus malady, I will personally review your claims and publicize the most embarrassing ones right here on The Mighty Blog. I guarantee you health care costs will drop like a stone. For example, if Scary Monster knew I'd be telling the world how many boner pills he takes every month, he'd think twice about refilling that prescription.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jeeez! Speaking of health insurance and stuff. chlamydia and herpes together are such a bitch! (that's just what I have heard) LL

Jackass Jenn said...

Brilliant.

Scary Monster said...

Sheeet President Dykerdoo. Me is just stocking up fer when you make me secretary of the inferior. How is me gonna keep track of all yer women's menstrual cycles without intensive inspection. Ah need me Viagra to keep yer bitches warmed up fer ya. Don't cut me boner insurance.

SLUMP.

Nancy said...

As hilarious as this post is ... the sad part is it couldn't be any closer to the truth.

I work in part, in HR and am a Pitt Bull of the Office when the 3 Piece Suits from Health Care(???)companies come in annually with their brilliant proposals for the renewal.

You have my vote and support!
(Just not my medical records)

ADW said...

Do it and do it now!!!

Plus you have inserted poon into another post. Or is that inserted your post into another poon?

tfg said...

Cottage cheese enemas are still covered, right?

blog Portland said...

I propose you drop prescription drugs from corporate-controlled pharmacies and put them back where they belong -- on the street.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Wait, the preventative duct tape for my Tourette's is NOT covered by my current plan???

Fuck.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lindsay - Those ain't the only bitches in Hollywood.

Jenn - You're back!

Monster - Sorry, I can't help you. But since it's work related, you can deduct your Viagra as a business expense on your taxes.

Nancy - That reminds me. I need to get pit bull insurance.

ADW - I've got a post with your poon's name on it, babe!

TFG - Only if you eat it first.

McFatty - Actually, I get my drugs from Rush Limbaugh's briefcase.

Cherry - Perhaps if you were using it for its intended purpose...

karla said...

No way would I be dumb enough to shell out 2 grand to get my tubes tied. I get wire hangers free every time I pick up my dry cleaning, and they can be very effective if used properly.

Beth said...

do you take boner pills Dyckerson? I bet you do....

Legaleagle said...

I didn't know you had it in you, Dyck. I think my IQ dropped 10 points when I read this.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - True. But think of all the times you've had to pay a plumber to come to your house and unclog your toilet. The surgery would pay for itself in no time.

Beth - No, I can't swallow pills. I use suppositories.

Eagle - I have a new post coming tomorrow. Would you like to try for double or nothing??

Corn Dog said...

Cancer insurance jackasses is right. They will not pay for wigs but they will pay for cranial prosthesis, so they is what oncologists write the prescription for, prior to chemo. Sweet. I selected a Texas Whore Style wig but then backed out at the last minute - too much big hair. I was all hair when I put it on. I looked like Cousin It from the Addams Family.

Sornie said...

But does your health plan include coverage for dental and vision? Get crackin' dammit. No presidential candidate has EVER done something all half-assed.

latinbombshell said...

Them's paying for wigs? Damn, there should be their health insurance for laughing at what Dyck writes!

~ Stacy ~ said...

I was following along right up to Chiclets, but got discombobulated shortly after HOMO. Health care makes my head spin.

Which plan should I choose for that?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dog - Consider yourself lucky. Our cancer insurance only pays for wigs made of rat fur.

Sornie - Our dental plan consists of a free roll of floss; our vision plan is a light bulb and a magnifying glass.

Manola - No way in Hell they could handle that many claims!

Stacy - You should opt for the Exorcist plan. Also covers pea soup stains.

It's Me... Maven said...

I think "Chlamydia" is such a purty name tho!

Webmiztris said...

i hope you are serious about all this business because I AM going to vote for you. :)

It's Me... Maven said...

"I've got a splinter on my sphincter... gnaw it out, gnaw it out..."