6/14/2007

Dyckerson For President - Issue #1: Iraq

As I am sure you recall, I recently announced I am running for President of these here United States. It was a tough decision, but after realizing the other candidates are morons, I finally decided to throw my asshat into the ring. Now if I'm going to be leader of the free world, I'll have to tackle the tough issues.

Today I shall discuss the situation in Iraq. It has been brought to my attention by my campaign advisor that we are currently at war with this country. Well you could have knocked me over with one of Ms. Babble's breast pumps. I had no idea!!! Clearly we need to get out of that country, and the sooner the better. Luckily I have devised a strategery to do just that. It's called FORK, and it is a multipronged plan. Each letter in the acronym FORK stands for one of the prongs, which is brilliant in and of itself. Here's an outline:

First, we must steal Iraq's oil. Easier said than done, you say? Well think again. Our nation's penal system is bulging with talented thieves and con artists. We can ease this tension by giving these people a happy release and putting their skills to work in the Middle East. If they put their heads together, surely they can cum up with a way to shoot that precious liquid back to us. And by solving the jail overcrowding problem, we'll enable our penal system to once again stand tall and firm.

Once we steal Iraq's oil, the second prong is to go after their weapons. This problem is easily remedied by installing one of them airport metal detectors and paying a couple of security flunkies eight bucks an hour to search every bastard in that Godforsaken country. And to save us even more coin, I'll personally volunteer to strip search the more attractive Iraqi chicks.

The thiRd prong is to bring our soldiers home. The American people demand a deadline, and I shall give them one: June 28th at midnight. That gives everybody a full two weeks notice to pack up their shit and get the hell out. Besides, we'll need our military at home to deal with all those thieves and con artists who'll soon be running around loose.

As for the fourth prong, I don't really have one. I just needed the extra prong to make my FORK acronym work. You got a problem with that??! Take it up with my complaint department.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

i don't get it. LL

tfg said...

Actually, it was supposed to be FORP, with P signifying POON.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Yeah, I think you could have come up with a better plan, like POON. Or FUCK or something like that.

But then again, that's why I'm not running for President like you are.

Rapin' Randy said...

Mr. Dyckerson, it's clear from your cun-and-run defeatist strategy that you hate America and like to embolden the evil doers. Don't you realize that if our military leaves Iraq before we win, that the terrorists will all get plane tickets and fly back here and bring the war with them!!! Is that what you want!? Obviously you don't understand Geo-Politics. You should watch FoxNews like I do.

PRAISE JESUS!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lindsay - Come over to my place. You'll get it.....in the ASS!!!

TFG - May the FORP be with you.

Cherry - I'm surprised you didn't recommend SPOONING.

RR - Did I mention I'm doing away with commercial aviation?

Just telling it like it is said...

well Mr. Dickerson you have my vote..but I hear the ladies over in Iraq don't take showers on a regular basis as I know that you are still willing to take one for the team!!

karla said...

This plan is so stupid I'm going to punish you by knocking you over with a breast pump.

Malnurtured Snay said...

If you want me to vote for you, I will happily accept your bribe.

blog Portland said...

Don't you need influential family members to rig an election in this country?

Antonio said...

For someone who's willing to personally examine the Iraqi women, you sure squeezed a fair number of dick jokes and innuendo into that essay. Maybe there's another group of Iraqis you should take a look at.

~ Stacy ~ said...

You had me at 'Penal'.

Luck o' the Irish said...

I cannot vote for you. I would have at least expected SPORK. Or SPORK and POON as your prize winning strategy. You could have SPORKED your entire Cabinet. But noooooo.....

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'm all for this plan, and I'm all for Dyk as President, as long as I get to be the First Gentleman.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

JTILIS - Should work out fine. I haven't wiped my ass in 25 years.

Ms. Babble - Could you at least wipe it off first? Last time you squirted me in the eye with your milk.

Snay - I can let you have a potato chip that's shaped like Gary Coleman. Do we have a deal?

McFatty - Don't underestimate the influence of Grandpa Dyckerson...

Antonio - I'll thrust my dick jokes anywhere I damn well please.

Stacy - Yeah, I know you dig cerebral humor.

Irish - Don't you have a blog to update??

K - Depends on your performance in the Oral Office.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Ha!