5/08/2007

Pomp And Circumcision

Every year around this time, the headquarters of Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide gets literally inundated with requests from community colleges and reform schools for me to speak at their graduation ceremonies. Normally I would jump at the chance to inspire tomorrow's leaders (and possibly score some sorority poon), but this year my schedule is booked solid due to my upcoming book tour. Still, I feel a need to reach out and share my wisdom with the next generation. Therefore I have prepared a generic graduation speech which should work with just about any learning institution, no matter how retarded its students may be. I have typed it in all caps for added effect. So grab your tassles, park your ass in a rusty metal folding chair, and enjoy:


CLASS OF 2007, YOU ARE AMERICA'S FUTURE. AND FOR THAT, WE ARE ALL FUCKED. AT LEAST WE WILL BE, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU.

FIRST OF ALL, YOU NEED TO FORGET ALL THE SHIT YOU'VE LEARNED HERE AT [INSERT NAME OF YOUR COLLEGE]. YOUR PROFESSORS ARE ALL DIPSHITS. THEY'RE OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT TENURE AND GETTING THEIR MEANINGLESS RESEARCH PAPERS PUBLISHED IN DRY, BORING JOURNALS THAT NOBODY READS. IN THE REAL WORLD, WE DON'T USE TEXT BOOKS. YOU REPORT CARD IS YOUR PAYCHECK, AND THE ONLY WAY TO GET AN 'A' IS BY SHAMELESS ASS KISSING AND RUTHLESS BACK STABBING. IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE TIME TO MASTER THESE KEY SKILLS, YOU WILL SPEND YOUR LIVES SCRUBBING TOILETS, FLIPPING BURGERS, AND EXHUMING ANIMAL CORPSES FROM PET CEMETERIES.

WE ARE LIVING IN A TIME OF GREAT STRIFE AND TURMOIL. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ALL THAT CRAP IN IRAQ OR YUFUKASTAN. IT'S TOO FAR AWAY TO MATTER. I'M TALKING ABOUT STUFF LIKE, WHY CAN'T ROSIE O'DONNELL JUST ADMIT DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT AND THAT SHE'S A FAT PIG? WHY CAN'T THE BITCH AT A & P LET ME BUY JUST ONE HOT DOG BUN? AND FINALLY, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE A VACUUM CLEANER HOSE ATTACHMENT THAT WILL GIVE ME A DECENT HUMP? GRADUATES, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS AND MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE FOR ME.

I WOULD ENCOURAGE EACH OF YOU TO TAKE A PAGE FROM MY LIFE. I, MIGHTY DYCKERSON, WAS ONCE JUST LIKE YOU. I WAS YOUNG, EAGER, AND NAIVE. AND HORNY. GOOD GOD, WAS I HORNY. I'D STICK MY WANG IN ANYTHING WITH A HOLE. BUT THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. THE POINT IS, I HAD A DREAM. A DREAM TO INSULT, OFFEND, AND THOROUGHLY DISGUST EVERY LIVING HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET.

I STARTED OUT BY VISITING HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARDS AND MAKING FUN OF THE UGLY BABIES. LATER I BEGAN EXPOSING MYSELF IN PUBLIC PLACES - MALLS, LIBRARIES, MUSEUMS, YOU NAME IT. THEN SOMETIME IN THE 90S, I DISCOVERED THE INTERNETS, AND A WHOLE NEW WORLD OPENED UP. SUDDENLY I WAS ABLE TO PISS OFF PEOPLE ON A GLOBAL SCALE THROUGH CHAT ROOMS AND MESSAGE BOARDS. THEN IN 2005, THE MIGHTY BLOG WAS BORN...AND THE REST, AS THEY SAY, IS HISTORY. AND ALL IT TOOK WAS WHAT I CALL THE THREE D'S - DRIVE, DETERMINATION, AND DPERSEVERANCE. IF YOU POSSESS THE THREE D'S, YOU TOO CAN BE A SUCCESS.

IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOU A PIECE OF ADVICE MY DEAR GRANDPA DYCKERSON GAVE ME WHEN I WAS A YOUNG DYCKERSON. IT'S SOMETHING I KEEP WITH ME EVEN TODAY:

"DILDOS DON'T BLEED IF YOU CHOP 'EM IN HALF WITH AN AXE. BUT I'M GONNA CHOP MY DICK IN HALF AND SEE HOW MUCH THAT BLEEDS."


NOW GET OUT THERE AND TAKE ON THE WORLD! OR AT LEAST EARN ENOUGH COIN TO MOVE OUT OF YOUR PARENTS' HOUSES.

16 comments:

Dixie said...

BWAAAHAAAAHAAAAA!

Great speech!

Nancy said...

Gramps Dyck just plain 'ole creeps me out ... pa-tooey!

ADW said...

DPerseverance...
Eh, you can make it work.
I think you are absolutely correct in your speech, but you left out:
"...learn that the MAN will always try to keep you down and your boss will always try to see how far you can bend at the waist."

~ Stacy ~ said...

Is it wrong that your correct usage of 'to' and 'too' got me all hot and bothered? Mmm, too, I admire your dperseverance. You are a mighty-fine Dyck, indeed.

That being said, I've been here too blasted long catching up on all the posts I've missed. (Feel the love...) Now it's time for a Heineken or six.

Have a jinky day, Mr. Dyckerson.

(I have absolutely no clue, whatsoever, as to why I said that. But it's out there now, so fuck it.)

tfg said...

Your going to have to use words much shorter than determination if you trying to bang sorority chicks.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dixie - AAAAH CHOOO! Thanks. (Damn allergies.)

Nancy - I thought I banned you.

ADW - I'm not changing a word. Write your own speech.

Stacy - Yeah, thanks for spamming my blog with your alcohol-induced comments. I think you may have shut down Blogger's servers temporarily.

TFG - Please don't say "shorter" when talking about my sex life.

doggybloggy said...

yer a hoot.

Scary Monster said...

professors only care about peeing in sorority poontang. Tenure is the only way they can do it without getting canned.


Have you forgotten to take yer meds?

STOMP.

Nancy said...

Eh, you'd just miss me, so I ignored the banishment *wink*

andy said...

Ol' Gramps was nothing if he wasn't eloquent, I always say.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"Yeah, thanks for spamming my blog with your alcohol-induced comments."

Anytime!

Jodi said...

Gramps has an "I spit on your grave" type style.

That's HAWT.

Beth said...

circumcison...my youngest was circumcized when he was born adn the skin grew back! He had to be RE-circumcized when he was 6!!!

Nancy said...

Oh Beth, I bet Evan is SO glad you shared that with us, lol

It's Me... Maven said...

Is it considered beastiality if one were to perform posthumous circumcisions on dead animals?

Manola Blablablanik said...

So Dperspiring!