Nothing Says Lovin' Like Something From The Oven

Surely you twat monkeys remember my two-part series entitled A DYCK IN A PET CEMETERY. The Dyckerson clan was all upset because developers were bulldozing the cemetery where our dead shit zoo was buried 17 years ago. I drove down there to put a stop to it, but I was too late...or so I thought.

The other day I got a call from some schmuck who works for the developer. He was at the cemetery. "We found your dog Pattie," he said.

I was beflabberfuddled. "Really?? Are you sure? Describe her for me!"

"Hold on a second," he said. A few minutes went by, during which time I heard a lot of pounding and scraping noises. Finally he came back on the line. "I'm back. Sorry, the lid was stuck. Anyway, was Pattie kinda boney and smelly, with worms coming out of her eye sockets?"

"Yeah, that's her!!!" I screamed with delight.

"Alright, but I've got some bad news for you," he said. "There are claw marks all over the inside of this coffin. It looks like she wasn't quite dead yet when she was buried."

"Fuck. Look, do me a favor and don't mention that to anyone else."

I axed him what he suggested I do with the corpse, and he referred me to a nearby pet crematory. Apparently many of the pet owners have been taking their corpses there. So I sped down to the cemetery and met the guy.

"Just toss her in the back seat. You can keep the coffin," I told him.

"Umm...don't you want it in a plastic bag or something?" he asked.

"Nah, I'm in a hurry. Besides, it's RevRee's car." (Note to RevRee: You might want to pick up one of them pine tree air fresheners on your way to work tomorrow.)

Next I headed over to Loving Pets Crematory and met up with John the gay funeral director, who was "very sorry to meet me under these circumstances." I told him I'd be sorry to meet him under ANY circumstances...to which he took great offense. I guess that didn't come out exactly right. Anyway, we dispensed with the formalities and got down to business.

"We're offering a special rate for customers who are referred to us by Evergreen Cemetery," John informed me.

"Great, a special rate! I like the sound of that! Please continue," I said.

Gay John walked over to a cabinet and produced a small cardboard box. "For $110, we will cremate your beloved Pattie and place her cremains in this delightful urn," he said. He then opened the box and pulled out a white ceramic vase-like object. "This is what we call the petite ivory cortesia."

"Perfect! You know what they say! A Pattie saved is a Pattie urned!" I quipped.

Gay John did not appreciate my humor. "Ahem. When would you like to pick her up?" he asked.

"Oh, I'll just wait."

Gay John was puzzled. "Sir, you do realize the cremation takes several hours to complete."

"Several HOURS?? What the fuck??! Don't you people have a microwave oven around here? Just zap her for 30 seconds and..."

I wasn't even able to finish my sentence before gay John motioned for a security guard, who then came over and tossed me and my dead pet carcass outside on the pavement. "FINE!" I yelled back at them. "I'LL DO IT MYSELF!!"

After all, how hard could it be? All you need is heat and a container to collect the ashes. So I headed over to Ms. Babble's house and broke in. Turns out there was already a bun in her oven*...so I reached in, yanked it out, and tossed it in the trash.** Then I shoved Pattie's corpse inside*** and set the dial for "well done." (Note to Ms. Babble: You might want to purchase a new microwave on your way to work tomorrow.)

I'm a big believer in recycling, so while Pattie was cooking, I rummaged through Ms. Babble's trash and found an empty coffee can to use for the ashes. About that time, the microwave stopped, so I removed Pattie's charred cremains and dumped them in the coffee can right there on the kitchen counter. Next, I left my calling card in the downstairs toilet, grabbed the coffee can, and hurried on home. (Note to Ms. Babble: In my haste, I think I may have grabbed the wrong can. You might want to purchase a new coffee maker on your way to work tomorrow. Oh yeah, and you might also want to purchase a plunger.)

Here is the end result:

Pattie, turns out you're more trouble dead than when you were alive. But dammit, you were a good dog. Rest in peace, you little furball.

* That's a little pregnancy joke in case you didn't get it.

** That's a little abortion joke in case you didn't get it.

*** That's a little rape joke in case you didn't get it.


Beth said...

you old softie....you loved your little dog, Porkie, .er I mean, Pattie, didn't you? I knew you had a heart...it might be a black, charred up, greasy heart, but a heart none the less.

did you ever get your sorry ass on The price is right?

Crunchy BC said...

"A Pattie saved is a Pattie urned."

I laughed, and now I hate myself for it.

Damn you.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - Bite your tongue. And I wrapped up my TPIR miniseries weeks ago. Get with the program.

CBC - If I were you, I'd hate myself too.

ADW said...

What did you do with the $110 you saved?

tfg said...

A real man would have snorted the ashes.

Scary Monster said...

Before RevRee cleans out nher car or Mrs. Babble buys a new microwave, could ya come over and take care of Mrs. Monster fer me.

Yeah Him said...

You could have always buried it in the woods in the middle of nowhere.

All the same, those decorative urns do spruce up the house.

Webmiztris said...

omg, the "pattie urned" thing had me rolling!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

ADW - I spent it on a tank of gas.

TFG - What's your point?

Monster - Sorry, I don't do goats. BAAAA!

Him - There isn't a tree within a hundred miles of Dyckersonville.

Miztris - You can't go wrong with a good cremation joke.

RevRee said...

What the HELL is that smell????

Manola Blablablanik said...

Way too many appliances were harmed in this process!

~ Stacy ~ said...

****I don't get it, Quiche boy.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

RevRee - This isn't the time or the place.

Manola - Show me your ta-tas!

Stacy - Oh, you're gonna get it alright, forklift hater!

Legaleagle said...

There is something fundamentally wrong with you. And it makes me giggle.

Beth said...

your flashing lights are giving me seizures.

It's Me... Maven said...

and Rape...


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - If cremating a rotting dog corpse in a microwave oven is wrong, then I don't wanna be right!

Beth - They make pills for that now.

Maven - There's something for everyone on The Mighty Blog.

Serena Joy said...

I laughed at the post (after I put the dog out of the room), but I swear to God I laughed harder at the comments.

Nancy said...

"Pattie Cake Pattie Cake ... Bakers Man"

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Serena - Really? I laughed harder at the flashing lights in the background.

Nancy - Well played!

Serena Joy said...

Seriously. I tried not to look at the flashing lights. I get dizzy pretty easy.