I Got Banged (Into)

So I was on my way to work Friday morning, just minding my own business and listening to Czechoslovakian chamber music on XM radio. I sat idling at a busy intersection waiting for the light to change with a long line of motorists behind me. All was well, until I felt a sudden JOLT inside the DyckMobile. My first thought was I had blown a rod. But then I remembered, I have no idea what that means. I don't think my vehicle has a rod, and even if it did, I doubt my rod could blow itself. At least not without a few beers and a copy of Hustler. Am I right people??!!!

Having ruled out any mechanical difficulties with the DyckMobile, I looked up and glanced into my rear view mirror. In it, I see the reflection of some chick behind the wheel of a bigass Suburban-like SUV. Could it be Paris Hilton, here in Dyckersonville?? Nope, not unless she suddenly gained a shitload of weight. She looked at me looking at her, and she cupped her face with her hands in shame. I recognized that look. It was the same look Ms. Babble gave me the day I caught her banging our Mexican landscaper in our bed, doing unspeakable things with a leafblower. And much like Ms. Babble on that fateful day, I too had been rear ended.

The light turned green and I proceeded to a nearby empty parking lot to assess the damage. The culprit pulled up beside me in her land crusher, and we both got out.

"I am so sorry!" tubby cried. "My foot must've slipped off the brake while I was reaching for a donut!"

"Yeah, you're gonna really be sorry when I'm done with you," I said as I rolled up my sleeves.

We walked back to the rear of the DyckMobile. Fortunately for her, there were no dents...but there was a small rip in the cloth spare tire cover. (I think it may have been there before, but didn't tell her that.) Then we checked out the front of her tank. The bumper was crinkled and steam was pouring out of her radiator.

I pointed and laughed heartily at the damage while rotundra sobbed uncontrollably. Jeep Wranglers may be uncomfortable to ride in and shitty on gas, but dammit, you can't hurt 'em!

"My husband is going to kill me," she said.

"Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised," I said. Then she cried even more.

This opportunity was too good to pass up. I faked an expression of pain and grabbed my neck. "Gosh, I sure am sore," I said. "I better make an appointment with my doctor. I hope you have insurance."

I giggled uncontrollably while she fumbled through her purse looking for her card. "Better hurry! "My back is starting to hurt now!"

As we exchanged information, I noticed she was starting to regain her composure. I wasn't having any of that. I instantly dropped to the ground and started faking a grand mal seizure, twitching and writhing on the concrete. I don't like to brag, but this was truly an Oscar performance.

"Call 911," I gurgled.

As she ran back to her shitbox to find her phone, I stood up, dusted myself off, and sped away. And the moral of this story: If you don't look like this, stay the fuck away from my car!!!


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You ever hear the expression, "That gal could suck start a leaf blower." Funny . . .

Scary Monster said...

You run away from a money making situation or at leasts a new tire cover with a donut munching bimbo, let the mexican house boy and he leafy thing boy bang yer gal and you wonder why people call you DYCK!
You are the Man.

Damn Me loves this place

Maria de los Angeles said...

Talk about bumping uglies!

karla said...

Still sticking with XM instead of Sirius, huh? I'm going to call Howard Stern up and tell him you wrecked your car while listening to that crap, and he and I will spend a few moments rejoicing in your misfortune.

Webmiztris said...

omg, yer bad. ;)

Anonymous said...

Let's get together. Email me at northwestern7@hotmail.com

Nancy said...

So what exactly are you saying? You got "rear ended" and had fun with it? *smirk*

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. K - Oh, so you've been with Ms. Babble too?

Monster - Tire covers: $20.00. Traumatizing an airheaded soccer mom: Priceless.

Manola - I'd rather talk about your ta-tas!

Ms. Babble - Rejoice away. I'll get even when I show up in your delivery room with my webcam.

Webmiztris - You're right. I need to be punished... ;)

Anonymous - Fuck off.

Nancy - You're banned again.

tfg said...

Maybe those Jeeps aren't so gay, after all.

Anonymous said...

I rear ended this dude once because it was rainy and real slippery. I just couldn't stop.

But then again, you already knew that, didn't you?

Angel said...

awww dykerson...you're such an ass! I love it!

Now this is probably what Really happened....

"You ran into me? It's okay, I have wonderful insurance, no need to worry. You are much to beautiful to worry your pretty little head about a little bump. Really. Let me take you out to a nice dinner and you can make it up to me."

you know you so hit on her.

ADW said...

It's all about having a good time and giving back to others with you Dyck. You like to give a little Dyck to everyone you meet and that woman was no exception. And then you share your story with us.. you are too sweet.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - It's certainly not as gay as that pink Miata you drive.

Andy - Sounds like you used too much Vaseline.

Beth - I don't date broads who don't know how to use a fucking brake.

ADW - That's what I'm here for, my dear.

tfg said...

Driving a pink Miata does not make me gay. The fact that I operate the stickshift with no hands might, though.

Anonymous said...

She was probably got distracted when attempting to order a pizza through OnStar.

Girl in a Guy's World said...

"I felt a sudden JOLT inside the DyckMobile"

It's called an orgasm, Sparky.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Quite impressive. Now if you'd just stop riding your clutch...

Crunchy - That would explain the Pizza Hut coupon stuck on her forehead.

Eagle - Don't call me Sparky, Pedro.