5/22/2007

Hail To The (Mis) Chief

Look out, Obama! Move over, Hillary! There's a new Dyck in town! After thorough deliberation, careful consideration, and vigorous masturbation, I have come to a decision. I, Mighty Dyckerson, am running for PRESIDENT OF THESE HERE UNITED STATES!

Of course, the question on the tips of everyone's noses right now is, WHY? Why would a hugely successful blogger like myself want to waste my time dabbling in politics?? The answer is simple. I've been following the news closely the last few months, and I am appalled at what I am seeing. Scenes so horrid, so atrocious, so disturbing, it makes me wonder what's happening to this world. Of course, I'm talking about.....ugly news bimbos. Katie Couric? Diane Sawyer? Meredith Vieira? Give me a fucking break, they're all over-the-hill skanks! Is this the best we can do, people??! I say NO!!!!

The entire TV industry needs a major overhaul. We need to get rid of these tired old war horses and replace them with SMOKIN' HOT NEWS BABES. Babes like French anchor Melissa Theuriau. Dig this chick! I can't understand a damn word she's saying, but I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! She could read a fucking phone book for all I care! Every woman on TV needs to look like this...and as President, I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN! All I'd have to do is pass a new law banning ugly chicks from the airwaves and have the FCC enforce it.

Perhaps you're wondering how I'll get this law past Congress. Well Congress Shmongress. They can kiss my HAIRY WHITE ASS. Besides, I'm sick and tired of all this "checks & balances" bullshit. All that does is slow progress. When I become President, I am going to TOTALLY ELIMINATE the Legislative and Judicial branches of government. There shall be only one branch, the Excretory branch, and I SHALL BE IN CHARGE OF IT! Think of all the coin we'll save. That's BILLIONS OF DOLLARS we could be giving to myself and the Melissa Theuriaus of the world! And fuck all this nonsense about term limits - the length of my presidency shall be INDEFINITE. That means FOREVER, chumps!!!!!

Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Gee, that sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship." Well I prefer to think of it as a dycktatorship...a country ruled entirely by a Dyck! Of course, I can't do it all alone. I'll need a Cabinet. First and foreskin, I'll appoint Manola as my Secretary of Homeboy Security. She'll be in charge of strengthening our borders and loosening my pants. Next I'll appoint Ms. Babble as my Secretary of Labor. Seems like that ho is always pregnant, so she should be an expert at this. Then I shall appoint RevRee as Secretary of Transportation. I believe she owns a car, so that makes her more than qualified. Beth shall be my Secretery of Foreign Affairs. Her family is half colored, so she's bound to at least know something about Africa...like how to find it on a map. That's good enough for me. Next, Legal Eagle will be my Attorney General. Together we'll eliminate the Supreme Court and have all legal disputes settled by best two out of three rounds of rock/paper/scissors. Then I'll need a Secretary of State. That job goes to Stacy. Her first order of business: Find out what the fuck the Secretary of State actually does. The position of Secretery of Health & Human Services goes to our friend Maven, whose first-hand experience with plantars warts should be an asset. And finally, I shall appoint Scary Monster as my Secretery of the Inferior. As the only male member of my Cabinet, it shall be his responsibility to keep track of the women's menstrual cycles and let me know who to avoid.

Then there is the matter of my First Lady. I shall be auditioning candidates for this all-important position in my boudoir beginning this weekend. Interested persons may forward me their resume along with a suggestive photo or three. I'll call you.

Of course, none of this will be possible if I don't get elected. For that, I'll need a campaign manager. I'm giving that job to TFG, the only one around here with any real management experience. After all, his blog "manages" to nauseate the hell out of me every time I read it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

But seriously, let's talk about the issues. I don't really know what they are...but I promise I will have my Cabinet look into this and get back to me with a full report. Then and only then will I make up something that sounds good but has no meaning. So be sure to check back with THE MIGHTY BLOG for further updates in the weeks and months to come. Meanwhile, I leave you with a picture of a cat that looks remarkably like actor Wilford Brimley:




22 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Hell, I'll vote for you. Send me a campaign button.

When did they clone Wilford? Looks just like him. He might make a good Surgeon General for your cabinet. He probably knows as much medicine as anybody else. Plus, he could scratch and claw anybody who disagrees with you.

Beth said...

that cat really does look like Wilford brimley...who the heck is wilford Brimley?

Nancy said...

... and I shall be Director of the Central Intelligence Agency ... I'd tell you why, but then I would have to kill you.

puerileuwaite said...

Sorry, but I'm voting for Hillary. She has more testosterone and a bigger set of cojones.

Dixie said...

I'll vote for ya! You can't do much worse than the one we've got now.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I heard Wilford Brimley is hung like a moose. A big, old, oatmeal-eating Moose.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Seein' as I already showed you my knockers, I hereby throw my knockers into the ring. My mission will be to wield the ever trusty Crotch Bat of the Dycktatorship.

Scary Monster said...

Me gonna give you me full support.
Future president Dykerson.
Me reckons that it'll be a bloody tough job, but me will keep a stiff......upper lip and make certain yer cabinet be ready fer your ministrations, without menstruations, of course.

STOMPALODEOOOOOOOOO!

karla said...

I've only been pregnant TWICE, you moronic turd--and both of those were planned. You're just jealous because the only thing you've ever managed to impregnate is your hand.

ADW said...

I would like to be appointed head head giver of the FCC. I will recruit all of my former HOT coworkers to replace Katie Couric and the other fugs hanging out on the airwaves. I am thinking out loud here, but topless news on Public Access (I know they have it on cable)would be a plus - at least a Large C Plus - ha ha.

tfg said...

Time is critical in this campaign. Thus, I'll start recruiting interns immediately and you order the cigars.

Legaleagle said...

EVERYTHING should be settled by RPS! You've got my vote and I'll happily be Attorney General! Now there's just that whole snafu about passing the LSATs....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Serena - I don't have any buttons yet, but I'll send you a box of Quaker oatmeal.

Beth - Who is Wilford Brimley??! Have you been living in a Cocoon for the last 20 years??

Nancy - Perfect. You may be able to squeeze into some of J. Edgar Hoover's old clothes.

P - Yes, But I have nicer pantsuits.

Dixie - This is no time to discuss politics.

Dr. K - Actually, I heard Bullwinkle had no genitalia.

Irish - Sorry, my Cabinet isn't big enough for your knockers.

Monster - I have complete confidence in you. Just go with the flow and you'll be fine. DRIP!

Ms. Babble - Calm down. Have some pickles and ice cream. You people seem to like that.

ADW - You're a visionary. I like that. I see big things in your future...and in my PANTS!!!

TFG - Cigars? You know I don't smo ... Oh right. Proceed.

Willo Keays said...

I remember back in the day .. I used to show up in your blogs too. A@@

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - Can't you buy the answers to the LSATs online?

Willo - Really? When was that??

Aza said...

I could really use a job- peddling drugs just doesn’t pay like it used to.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Hey that job is perfect for me! So many homeboys in Miami! Now about your pants ...

Webmiztris said...

omfg, I thought that cat looked like wilford brimley before I even got the read the paragraph above it!! lmao!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Aza - I'll put you in charge of the FDA.

Manola - Stop talking and start unzipping, sugar tits!

Miz - It's one scary pussy, ain't it??

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Good luck on your campaign. It sounds like you really have a great plan!



Your blog is helarious! I will certainly be back!

That cat reminds me of the one from "Shrek" when he makes his sad eyes!

Yeah Him said...

Damn - that news anchor gal makes up for French men everywhere!

And the fact that I can't understand her doesn't matter - she just exudes sex as she must be rambling on about the riots or the elections or the Maginot Line.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Sorry I'm late reporting for duty, my first order of business was to take the week off. Anyhoo, as the Secretary of State, it will be my job to push the big, red button (Staples... Duh-oh!), file my nails, and read trashy novels all day. For this, I will be paid the sum of 1 million dollars semi-monthly, in $20 dollar bills, receive 360 days of vacation per year, and an unlimited supply of Peanut M&M's. I'm worth it, baby!

Trust me.