4/06/2007

SUPER COLON!!!

Sometimes the comedy just writes itself.


While working on my Sandra Bullock post last week, I was searching the Internets for a picture of a commode filled with feces. You know, just a typical evening at the Dyckerson residence. Anyway, in conducting my search, I stumbled upon an interesting little item that I just HAD to share with my loyal fans.

Seems the fine folks at the Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation have in their possession a giant inflatable colon. I'd like to repeat that in case you missed it. The Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation have a GIANT INFLATABLE COLON. Before I continue, I'm sensing skepticism from some of you: A giant inflatable colon?? Mighty Dyckerson has surely lost his mind! Ladies and germs, I give you the following excerpt taken directly from their web site. (You might want to sit down for this...)

The SUPER COLON, an inflatable, 20-foot long, 8-foot high replica of a human colon, is an interactive educational tool that is teaching people all across America that colorectal cancer is preventable, treatable and beatable!

I don't even know where to start. A 20-foot interactive colon?!! Of all the organs in the human body, the colon is definitely NOT one I care to "interact" with. And certainly not a 20-FOOT one.

Can you imagine the meeting that led to this idea?? I'm guessing it went something like this...

Marketing Director: People, we need a way to spread the word about colorectal cancer. Any ideas?
Marketing Stooge #1: I say we print up pamphlets and distribute them to doctor's offices around the country.
Marketing Stooge #2:
I suggest we produce a 30-second PSA and buy air time from the networks.

Marketing Stooge #3 (joking): Hey, here's a good idea (chuckle chuckle)! Let's build a giant colon (snicker snicker) and travel around the country with it (giggle giggle)!!
Marketing Director:
That's brilliant, #3! You're getting a raise and a corner office!

Marketing Stooge #3:
Wha...? But I...I was just...


A few months (and a few hundred pounds of rubber) later, THIS was born:


As they say, a picture is worth a thousand turds. In this case, a thousand ENORMOUS turds. Christ, that's the biggest asshole I've seen since Rosie O'Donnell! Can you just imagine the looks on people's faces when this monstrosity made its debut? Talk about a GRAND OPENING!! Am I right people??!! Hey, I'm just getting warmed up here!!!

But seriously, the SUPER COLON is nothing to joke about. Just take a look at the many features it has to offer...

As visitors walk through the SUPER COLON, they get a up close look at:
  • healthy colon tissue
  • tissue with non-malignant colorectal disease like Crohns and colitis
  • colorectal polyps
  • various stages of colorectal cancer
You know I was just saying to myself the other day, if only I could climb inside a GIANT CORNHOLE and get a really good look at COLORECTAL POLYPS, my life would be complete. And now, thanks to the SUPER COLON, I shall get my wish!!!

Actually, if you think about it, the SUPER COLON bares a striking resemblance to another popular U-shaped tourist attraction...




Gee honey, where should we take the kids this summer? Let's see. One offers panoramic views of stunning rock formations, breathtaking sunsets, and the beautiful Colorado River. The other offers a close-up look at POLYPS and CROHNS DISEASE.* Tough choice!

But you better make your vacation plans early, because time is running out...

Please note that the SUPER COLON is currently scheduled to visit more than 30 cities in 2007! We are not booking any other visits for 2007 at this time; please check back for next year's availability.

Wow, 30 cities! That bowel is really on the move! I understand it's really popular at weddings and bar mitzvahs. I even heard the SUPER COLON is "opening" for Kenny Chesney! (I'll give you a minute to think about that one...)

You know, if they were smart, they'd cut the colon in half so they could cover twice as much territory. Then they'd have two SUPER SEMI COLONS! (Or should that be SEMI SUPER COLONS??) Better yet, maybe they should start supersizing other bodily organs. How about an ULTRA SPLEEN or a GIGANTIC GALL BLADDER? I don't know about you, but I'd pay good money to tour a MEGA VAGINA...although it would take an assload of vinegar to keep that cooter clean.

I wonder what would happen if the Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation joined forces with the Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS) Foundation? Think of it - a RESTLESS SUPER COLON!!! I bet that would go over big at Six Flags or Busch Gardens!!

Oh, I got a million of 'em, folks...but I don't want to hog the spotlight. Feel free to make up your own SUPER COLON comments and submit them below.



*If my name was Crohn, I'd be really pissed off.

23 comments:

It's Me, Maven... said...

Polyps, that's good eatin' and good times:)

Hey, have you checked out the testimonials page over at Colon Blow?

Scary Monster said...

Me be thinking that iffin you give that thing a great big enema, then you could compete with wet n wild. Or mebbe get a group of turds to ride through and make it a log flume.
SPLAT?

Dixie said...

Now. I have seen it all.

And it wasn't pretty.

That is just wrong. Wrong on so m
many levels.

The crack about Chesney. Good one!

Ann Nonymous said...

I wonder if they have a novelty Lemmiwinks inside...

Malnurtured Snay said...

Dammit. Why couldn't they have a giant walk through vagina?!?!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - That can't possibly be a real site...can it??

Monster - You're always thinking. I like that. SPLISH!

Dixie - If walking inside a giant colon is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.

Ann - What the fuck is a Lemmiwink?

Snay - They do. It's between Britney Spears' legs.

Gucci Muse said...

Now if you'd only be interested in a super colostomy bag....... you know, to go along with your blog's subtle feces theme

Nancy said...

String a few of those huge beach balls together and the exhibit finale would be pulling the anal beads out.

Chief Scientist said...

I never get colons to open for me like that. I need a better PR firm. I envy Kenny Chesney.

tfg said...

If you really want to tour a Mega Vagina, you need to start being nicer to Karla.

Legaleagle said...

Colons, anal beads and vaginas, oh my!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I believe it is... but if not, they certainly put a lot of effort into that website!

The testimonials page is a thing of beauty.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gucci - Sometimes I wear a colostomy bag when I'm too lazy to go to the bathroom. Hint: Avoid the paper bags.

Nancy - I don't have any beach balls. Would an inflatable raft work?

Chief - You're back! And your blog is readable again!! Well done!!!

TFG - I said MEGA Vagina, not MOLDY Vagina.

Diesel said...

It looks like a nice place to just sit and think.

Of course, you'd have to bring your own stool.

ADW said...

I think they could enhance the ambiance of the Super Colon by making it more real. For example, when I walk through a big asshole, I like to see corn remnants and celery strings.

Of course if the Giant Vagina is built, it should DEFINITELY come with a string...

tfg said...

Not to be difficult, but I think that the fact that Karla silos ICBMs in there qualifies it as MEGA, too.

Ann Nonymous said...

Lemmiwinks is the hamster/gerbil living inside of Mr. Slave (I think) on South Park. C'mon - your not that old are you?

~ Stacy ~ said...

LMAO @ Super Semi Colons!!!
(The Kenny Chesney plug was pretty damn funny, too.)

Holy rumble-paks, Turd Man! This Super Colon Coaster is gonna blow!

Eh... I bow to your mastery, Mister Dyckerson. I pale in comparison to your Turdliness. You are the Shitnizzle.

(I have absofreakinlutely no idea what that means.)

the dude said...

I saw the giant inflateable colon on the news a while ago...the reporter doing the story was pretty crappy though.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Diesel - Well done, my friend.

ADW - If you ever walk through my asshole, let me know if you find a butt plug up there. I'm missing one.

Ann - What's South Park?

Stacy - Does this mean I'm getting a forklift poem??

Dud - Must've been Katie Couric.

Crunchy BC said...

"That bowel is really on the move."

That made me very happy, you bastard.

elizadoohicky said...

i know this was an entire year ago, but I MUST give you props on "super semi colon" LMAO

also, diesel wins the witty retort award on these comments.

marry me, Dykerson!*

*not really

elizadoohicky said...

no really**

**not really