4/09/2007

The Poop Is Right

I would like to take a break from our discussions about bowel movements and giant colons to address an issue of grave importance to every man, woman, and child alive today. Of course, I'm talking about the shitters at CBS Television City in Hollywood.

As you may recall, I am planning a pilgrimage to Tinseltown to attend a taping of The Fabulous 60-Minute Price is Right Million $ Spectacular Game Show Starring Bob Barker, a Mark Goodson-Bill Todman Television Production. It is to be the fulfillment of a lifelong dream - a dream to wait for hours on a filthy sidewalk with a bunch of screaming yahoos for a chance to be herded into a freezing studio and possibly be called on stage to play a child's game with a 130-year-old geezer.

So far, everything is pretty much taken care of. I have booked my reservations, planned my itinerary, and printed out directions to Alyssa Milano's house (for stalking purposes, if time permits). But the one thing I haven't done is find out what kind of "facilities" they have at The Price is Right should I need to visit them. Dyckerson does not like surprises, so I'd appreciate feedback from anyone who has been there. Here are my specific questions:

  • Is there a string of chasing lights around the mirror?
  • Will I be required to guess the price of the urinal before I may use it?
  • Are the toilets built to accomodate individuals with extra-long microphones?
  • Do the stalls have a time limit, and if so, will a I hear a buzzer when my time expires?
  • Is yodelling permitted?
  • Does the announcer yell "COME ON DOWN" when I flush?
  • Will the toilet paper dispenser make that "beep beep beep" sound when I unwind it?
  • If my name tag should fall into the bowl, can I get a replacement?
  • Can I keep my used toilet paper as a souvenir?
  • May I ask the audience for help?

I should point out that I'm talking about the public poopissery - not the one Bob Barker uses. Surely a man of his stature has his own private facility, probably with a gold plated throne to receive his superior waste matter.

So let's hear it! Surely one of you morons has visited the CBS shittery and can offer up a full report. Speak up!!!


19 comments:

Lux Lisbon said...

I'm shocked! I always figured you for behind the bush kinda guy.

Dixie said...

If you do have to guess the price of the urinal, what happens if you guess wrong? Do you have to leave? Will you be able to get a second chance to win the use of the urinal by spinning the big paper towel wheel?

So many questions! So many possibilities!

the dude said...

Is there also a showcase showdown in the stalls?? You know the person with most fecal matter in the bowl closest without going over wins.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I will not be satisfied until you use the PLINKO! game as your own personal port-o-san.

puerileuwaite said...

I heard the models that Bob ISN'T sexually harrassing have to wipe your ass for you, and compete in guessing how many calories you consumed.

Beth said...

What if you miss the toilet completely? Do you get "buzzed"? hey, wait...that sounds kinda fun.

when are you going on again? And I want a "Holla"!!!!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Sorry, dear, but I have no idea what kind of public poopisseries Mark Goodson-Bill Todman Television Production sorts have. But, I say they should be required to accomodate your, ah... individuals with extra-long microphones.

..."COME ON DOWN" when I flush?"

Ack! That was funny!!! You've made me laugh, Mister Dyckerson. I hope you get a chance to spin the wheel!!!

Now, how about a 'yodel'? [wink-wink]

Willo Keays said...

You're kidding - right? You expect CBS to have bathrooms for you? Hahahahahahaha!

There's one tiny facility near the gift shop . and another at the studio entrance. If you need to go BEFORE they open the gates .. there's the bushes or you can beg the Bagel Guy across the street.

FYI ... be sure to visit the Bagel Guy across the street. He's a hoot! Tell him he's famous online and see what kind of response he gets ;)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lux - Me, behind the bushes? Only when I'm stalking celebrities.

Dixie - What's with all the questions? This is TPIR, not Jeopardy!

Dud - If I lose, would I get parting gifts?

Maven - With my luck, my turd would land on the ZERO.

P - I thought Bob harasses them all.

Beth - It's called The Electrocution Game. The rim of the toilet is wired with 10,000 volts of electricity. So yeah, I would get "buzzed" if I missed.

Stacy - I haven't yodelled since I got hit in the groin with a baseball bat.

Willo - I know the bagel guy is famous. I've seen him waving his salami on a few porn sites.

tfg said...

Maybe they'll have Depends in on of the pricing games.

RevRee said...

I'd suggest buying a can of "ass don't smell" That way, if you use the shitter and then during the show gets called up, the Barker Beauties, won't smell ass on you!

Sornie said...

I am just picturing the yodeling mountain climber coming closer to the summit as the toilet bowl fills.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - I'm sure they have 'em in Bob's dressing room.

RevRee - Hmm...Do they sell Miracle Ass Don't Smell??

Sornie - You think about that a lot, don't you?

Nancy said...

On the flip side,perhaps if you hang out in the bathroom, just before the show, (ala Renée Zellweger at the Golden Globes)... you may increase your odds at winning.

Jackass Jenn said...

all kidding aside...

I've been to the CBS studios. I've been on price is right. I won't talk anymore about it except to say...

you're fucked.

Scary Monster said...

Actually there be no bogs for the rabble that make up the audience and contestants. This be why all the people who "come on down" end up doin that dance that makes them look like they got the mississippi two step with no place to squat.

Me can't wait to see the Mighty Dykerson dance.

Scatological

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nancy - I'm in a hurry, so I don't have time to devise a witty retort for your comment. But thanks anyway.

Jenn - I'm in a hurry, so I don't have time to devise a witty retort for your comment. But thanks anyway.

Monster - I'm in a hurry, so I don't have time to devise a witty retort for your comment. But thanks anyway.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I would half expect to look down, after having dookied, and see my turd bouncing slowly down off of pegs like Plinko (TM).

Manola Blablablanik said...

I have never been but I'm sure it's not worthy of your fine ass.