4/25/2007



PART VII: FUCK THE FIRST 37 MINUTES OF
THE PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR


In our last installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD, a video camera possessed by Satan attacked the studio audience, killing several and injuring hundreds. Miraculously, the first four Price is Right contestants managed to escape harm and take refuge in the front row section known as "Contestants' Row." The game was about to begin.

***DISCLAIMER***

The remainder of this post contains "spoilers" pertaining to game play that took place during THE PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR to be aired on May 16th on CBS. I tell you this not as a warning, but to give you the opportunity to make some easy coin by wagering on the game's outcome with your loser friends. No need to thank me.


Door #2 opened with brute force. Huge panels of termite-infested plywood opened up, banging into each other as they slid across the stage. There he stood. The man, the hero, the legend. Born in Darrington, Washington on December 12, 1923. His mother, a school teacher, and his father, an electrical power foreman. He began his career in broadcasting while attending Drury University in Springfield, Missouri; then moved to California in 19.....oh fuck it, look it up yourself on Wikipedia. I'm talking about BOB BARKER!!!!!!!

Bob emerged from door #2 and walked out on stage with the vim and vigor of a man half his age. It was simply amazing. He was spry, he was energetic, he was alert....and he walked right into door #1 and broke his nose. Give the man a break, he's 83 fucking years old. He's lucky he's not crapping into a bag. After the 7th take, he finally hit his mark on the front of the stage and took a bow. He sported a black suit with grey pinstripes and a red power tie. A sobering thought occured to me: This is probably the suit he will be buried in.

A model handed Bob his long, thick dildo/microphone, and we were off and running. The first contestant to make it on stage was a hot little piece of ass named Blythe. Yeah, you heard me. BLYTHE. Blythe looked to be all of 16 years old. Hell, Bob could be her great great great great great grandfather. Blythe wore a pair of black short shorts and a tight white t-shirt with a black CBS eye logo around the tit area. My first thought: She looked like a Mouseketeer. My second thought: She's probably too young to know what the hell a Mouseketeer is. My third thought: I'm too young to know what the hell a Mouseketeer is. Blythe was a little ball of energy, jumping up and down and slobbering all over Bob as if he were Mickey Mouse himself.

Blythe's game was Golden Shower...or something like that. It was a total clusterfuck. First, Bob had a senior moment and screwed up the game rules. Bob yelled "Stop tape!" and ran over to the producer's table to regroup. This would be the first of countless "stopdowns" that would occur that afternoon. Look for the edit if you watch the show. When taping continued, Blythe blew her chance at a Dodge Viper by guessing the wrong price for one of the intermediate prizes. Anticlimactic to say the least. Bob was just about to give her the boot when something interesting happened: He pulled a key out of his pants pocket, handed it to Blythe, and whispered something in her ear. I couldn't hear what it was, but I'm sure I saw him mouth the words "dressing room."

Another contestant was then called to come on down, and again, IT WASN'T ME! No problem, they were probably saving my name for one of the really big prizes. Actually, it was probably a good thing, because I STILL COULDN'T HEAR A FUCKING THING over the damn crowd noise. How the fuck can I come on down if I can't hear the jackass announcer??! Anyway, somebody else gets on stage and plays the second game out of six, this one called It's In The Funbag or whatever. If you're betting on this one, the contestant lost.

Time for a commercial break. This is when Bob likes to take questions from the audience. This is a really bad idea for two reasons. For one thing, Bob is apparently deaf. Even though the studio is quiet during the breaks, Bob requires a stagehand to relay the questions. It's really quite pathetic to witness. The other reason Bob shouldn't take audience questions: these people are fucking IDIOTS. Case in point: A dipshit seated behind me asked if she could meet "the producer, Mark Goodson." Bob had to explain to her what many of us already knew - namely that Mark Goodson has been DEAD FOR 15 YEARS. Yeah, that was a little awkward.

Back to the show. Another contestant was called out of the audience. Still not me, but that was okay. I figured they were saving me for the second half of the show. Game number three was Whore Or Less. This was pretty much the same game as Golden Shower, only the prop was a different color. Once again, we have ANOTHER LOSER. It's becoming apparent to me that the producers go out of their way to pick TOTAL IDIOTS so they can save money in the prize budget.

Time for the first of two Showcase Showdowns, featuring the Wheel of Death. Whoever designed that contraption was sick in the head. I giant two-ton wheel with spikes sticking out of the side of it. In order to spin the wheel, contestants must grab one of the spikes and throw all their body weight on top of it. Good news: Somebody hit the one dollar space and picked up $10,000 in cash - the first major win on an otherwise forgettable show. The audience erupted in orgasmic delight. I'm not sure, but I think Johnny Olson ejaculated on his podium.

Back from a commercial, and immediately another stopdown occured when Bob's Alzheimers returns. This time, he addressed the announcer as "Adam." I swear I am not making this up. I have no idea where the fuck he got "Adam"...unless he was having flashbacks of his Happy Gilmore scene with Adam Sandler.

The game continued with something called Lucky Fucker. Once again, I was snubbed. Was I pissed? HELL YES, I was pissed! Especially when the moron contestant won the game and got a Ford Explorer! That should have been MY Ford Explorer!!! But all was not lost, for I still had two chances to get on stage. My moment was about to come.

Another observation: During the commercial breaks, Bob constantly adjusts himself - his hair, his tie, his diaper, you name it. He even hiked up his pants right there in front of us. The man has no shame...nor does he wear a belt. I guess he took it off in preparation for Blythe after the show.

Another contestant went on down. I wasn't expecting my name to be called this time. Obviously they were saving me for last. Now it was time for the fifth game of the day, The Mountain Flamer. You've all seen this game. It's the one with the yodeling fag who climbs this fake-looking mountain. The object is to keep the homo from falling off the cliff and plunging into a deep, dark, smelly hole. Any brain-dead retard can win this game...including the one who played it that day.

Yet another commercial. Someone in the audience complimented Bob on his work for animal rights. Sucking up won't do your ass any good now, I thought. My name is about to be called!!!

Two minutes passed by, and finally the time had come. The last pricing game of the show. My last chance to be called. I had a really good feeling about this. My life was about to change forever. Just then, something happened so shocking, so unbelievably stunning, you simply will not believe it. And you'll find out what that was...on THE PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR on May 16th on CBS!!!


18 comments:

Nancy said...

So you make us wait and wonder, did he get called to come on down?

If so, what game did he play?

"Penny Fanny" or "Pass the Fuck" maybe "Pick-a-Nose" or "Shit the Deck" .... I bet you didn't get the call and on your way out played "Walk of Shame"

Scary Monster said...

Me be so fuckin excited.
Me gointa run out right now and buy the home version.
Me want to capture the feeling of actually being in studio 33.
I cant wait for may 16.
Wow Dyck, you make me life seem pale in comparison.

SHIT!
Have a crappy weekend.

andy said...

I love the mountain flamer. Take that how you will (that's what he said), but I love it.

On an aside, since when is Tyra Banks in the $3.35 funbag?

ADW said...

Fucker!!!

I have faithfully read all 76 editions of your Price is Right Million Dollar Spectacular Story and I don't want to wait to find out what happened.

C'mon, please (blinking coyly at you in my mind). Pretty Please (Bending over so you can see down my shirt) Pretty, Pretty Please
(Inappropriate for the office, I am now licking my USB port).

OK, fine, don't tell me....

Lux Lisbon said...

A vocabulary expansion is in order.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Well fuckitall.

At LEAST tell us what happened with/to "Blythe".

puerileuwaite said...

I wouldn't be disappointed if you weren't picked as a contestant. Sometimes when you lose out on Door #1, you wind up with #2.

RevRee said...

I've already programmed my DVR for this historical day...
When you and Bob Barker make out on national television.

Dixie said...

Oh my lord, the suspence is killing me!

Gucci Muse said...

OMG and GOOD LORD, Dyckerson- I hope you catapulted yourself into the game so they had to let you play................Not only would such a move be as bright as a golden shower, you would be in the fun bag, whore or less, you lucky fucker/ mountain flamer... see? you were made-no meant- to be as a brilliant as Blythe....

Legaleagle said...

Around my office we have been following your adventure in Hollywood. To this last entry, three of the girls here said the exact same thing: "You fucking suck." Talk about anitclimatic.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Nancy - Your knowledge of pricing games is impressive...and frightening. But mostly frightening.

Monster - Caught ya slipping out of character! You said "I can't wait til May 16." Me think your grammar is improving. STAMP.

Andy - You have a sharp eye. Tyra was moonlighting to pay for law school.

ADW - Nice ta-tas, but the price is WRONG, bitch!

Lux - I have an "expansion" for you...in my PANTS!!!

Irish - You'll find out in about nine months.

P - Was that supposed to be a poop joke? If so, good one!

RevRee - Are you sure there's room left on your DVR? You may have to delete some of the porn.

Dixie - Your spelling of the word "suspense" is killing me!

Gucci - Sadly, all of that will be edited out.

Eagle - Are those three girls hot? I'm guessing the answer is NO. In which case, they can all go fuck themselves.

tfg said...

You at least got to hold Bob's mike, didn't you?

Manola Blablablanik said...

"how the fuck can I come on down if I can't hear the jackass announcer?"

Oh Mighty, this is precisely my sex life problem!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - That wasn't his mike.

Manola - Dyckerson is the solution to all your sex life problems. ;)

Webmiztris said...

did you make it on the show? i don't even know you and I'm all excited about it!!

~ Stacy ~ said...

You didn't get picked, did you? Nope. You just couldn't quite pull off the exuberant booby-bouncing, I'm-so-happy-to-be-here routine, could ya?

When they said 'show us your excitement' you told them to 'fuck off and suck your dead pig', didn't ya?

[sigh]

My hero.

It's Me... Maven said...

In retrospect, I find it all totally suspect. You're on TPIR, and now Barker and his probey microphone are retiring.

SUSPECT I TELL YA!!