4/24/2007


PART VI: FUCK CAMERAS

In our last installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD, we had entered the Price is Right studio and marvelled at its utter crappiness. Announcer Johnny Olson tortured us with his lame audience warm-up routine, and the show was about to begin.

The excitement rose to a fever pitch as everyone took their positions and the lights came up. A cue card flunkie ran across the stage holding a sign displaying the air date for the show we were about to watch - May 16th, 2087. Geez, I had no idea they taped so far in advance!

Then the countdown began: 10, 9, 8, 7, 4, 6, 2, 3, 5, 9, 1.... OH MY GODDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That very moment, 10,000 volts of electric current was sent to every seat in the audience, causing everyone to leap to their feet and scream in horror. The stench of burning flesh permeated the room as we all desperately gasped for breath. Just then, a menacing crane camera swung out over the crowd, knocking dozens of people unconscious. I looked over at Johnny. He was shouting at the top of his lungs, but no words were coming out. All I could hear was the blood curdling screams of my fellow spectators, along with some eerie sounding music playing faintly in the distance. It was like I was witnessing the apocalypse.

The cue card guy returned to the stage. This time he was holding up a card with somebody's name on it. I turned around and saw a woman rushing frantically to the front of the stage. The flying camera beast was chasing her, and this poor soul was trying to get away. Then the camera went after another one...and another...and still another. Thankfully, they were able to take refuge in four empty seats at the front of the stage. But the camera creature continued to swing around wildly, brutally injuring scores of innocent bystanders in its path. Sweet Lord, when will the carnage end??!

That's when it hit me like a sack of wet Plinko chips: I WAS WATCHING THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!! The first four contestants had just been called to come on down. And the reason for the cue cards became quite obvious from the moment the show started: WE COULDN'T HEAR A GODDAM THING over all the noise. Honestly, all that wailing and shreaking reminded me of one of my lovemaking sessions with Ms. Babble. Wait a minute, why hadn't MY name been called?? Clearly a terrible oversight had occured! Heads were going to roll! (Actually, heads were already rolling thanks to that fucking camera.)

All eyes turned toward the stage. Any second now, Mr. Robert Barker would make his big entrance. The tension was palpable. Just then, something happened so shocking, so unbelievably stunning, you simply will not believe it. And I'll tell you what that was.....on the next installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD! Stay tuned!!!


18 comments:

Jackass Jenn said...

Spot On, Dyck.

Scary Monster said...

Sounds like a baptist revival where everyone be speaking in tongues.
Can Me get a witness! YeeAssssss!
STOMP!
When do we get to meet preacher Bob

puerileuwaite said...

That's how they should "recruit" for service in Iraq. Make it like The Price Is Right. Then, when you go backstage to claim your "valuable" prizes, they knock you over the head, and you wake up on the transport. Better yet, seal off the entire studio and pipe in the chloroform. (Oops. Sorry if that was in Part VII.)

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You need to post some videos of you in Hollywood up in this piece, like when your house flooded.

tfg said...

I'm having the same thought that I had when I mainlined a case of Ex-Lax: It's been 7 days, when will this shit end.

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jenn - There are no spots on my dick, but thanks anyway.

Monster - As soon as you toss a few bucks in the collection plate. STUMP.

P - Thanks a lot. Now I have to do a complete rewrite.

Dr. K - Good news for you: I just mailed the video to NBC!

TFG - I spent a solid ten minutes making that "Dyck in Hollywood" graphic - Dammit, I'm going to get my money's worth.

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

You know, I am wanting to hear the end of this shit before I go on vacation. Do you mind can we have the shorthand version??? and what the hell my word verification is m&m gun....WTF...

Gucci Muse said...

I guess you are sqeezing out this story as if you would squeeze your a$$ off if you ever went a week without ingesting any iber......

Gucci Muse said...

Fiber, I meant FIBER

Mighty Dyckerson said...

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Did you all see this disrespectful comment from Gucci??! I was going to wrap up my DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD series tonight, but just for that, I'm going to make you wait it out another 24 hours! And everyone has GUCCI MUSE to thank for it!!!

Gucci Muse said...

Ahhhh, that is the nicest thing a wrapped up Dyck ever said...............

Gucci Muse said...

:)

Gucci Muse said...

Come to think of it, when does a wrapped up Dyck ever want to wait?

It's Me... Maven said...

Post the update, damnit! I hate suspense. It gives me the shits and an outrageous case of the atomic farts.

karla said...

I remember that lovemaking session. You were mad because your name wasn't the one that was called that time, either.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Your imagination is a scary, scary thing.

~ Stacy ~ said...

...it's kinda sexy.