4/22/2007


PART IV: FUCK WAITING IN LINE

In my last installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD, I took a wicked shit in my motel room, ate a cockroach-filled bagel, saw Corporal Klinger from M*A*S*H get eaten by a mountian lion, and met a group of Price is Right fans at a crappy restaurant near the CBS studios. (In case you're just joining us, the highlight of this trip was attending a taping of The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular And Circle Jerk.)

We had just finished an unsatisfying dinner and were walking back to the motel to retire for the evening. As we made our way past Fairfax Avenue, I took a gander toward the entrance to CBS, and what do I see?? A group of dipshits SETTING UP CAMP on the sidewalk - complete with folding chairs, sleeping bags, and tents. Here it was, Saturday night, and they were starting the line to see MONDAY'S taping. What kind of COMPLETE LOSERS get in line TWO DAYS EARLY just to attend a fucking game show taping??!

So my buddies and I ran back to our motel room, got our chairs, sleeping bags, and tent, and returned to the line. And we waited. And we waited and waited and waited.

The time actually went by fairly quickly. Every once in a while, a motorist would pull up beside us and ask us what we were waiting for. After shouting "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" for about the hundredth time, we decided to have a little fun with it. One guy answered "American Idol." Someone else said "Conan." I yelled out "Password Plus." Oddly enough, this seemed to satisfy some of the motorists, even though "Password Plus" was an NBC show and has been out of production since 1982.

We took turns sleeping in shifts, but it's hard to sleep when douchebags are honking their horns at you and rats are nibbling on your ears. During one of my breaks, I cruised down to In & Out Burger and further assaulted my stomach with one of their famous Double-Doubles. By the time Sunday afternoon rolled around, there were at least 200 people in line. By Sunday night, over 350 people. I didn't have the heart to tell the bastards the studio only had 325 seats.

FINALLY it was Monday morning. A day at The Price is Right begins ridiculously early for the audience. At 6am, a disgruntled page handed out pink "order of arrival" passes and instructed us to return at 7:45am. I ran back to the motel, grabbed a quick shower, and put the same filthy clothes back on. At 7:45am, another disgruntled page exchanged our faggoty-pink "order of arrival" passes with macho-blue "priority numbers" and instructed us to return at 10:30am. We were starving, so we walked over to the adjacent Farmers Market, which is like a mall food court without the mall. I had a cold Belgian waffle and some burnt bacon. Perfect fuel for the bomb I was planning to leave in the Price Is Right shitter.

At 10:30am, we returned to the CBS lot, where we were herded like cattle onto cold hard metal benches outside the building. Yet another page started going down the line and writing our names on pale yellow name tags with a magic marker. One page. 325 people. Over ONE HOUR just to get fucking NAME TAGS. Here's a crazy thought for the folks at CBS: Maybe get a SECOND MAGIC MARKER and have one of the OTHER PAGES write some of the names??!?! Or even better, get a WHOLE PACK OF MAGIC MARKERS and PASS THEM AROUND to people so they can WRITE THEIR OWN DAMN NAMES??!!?

At around noon, the interview process began. This is where a Price is Right producer (probably whoever drew the short straw that day) goes down the line and decides who gets to "come on down." He asked us such thought-provoking questions as "Where are you from?" and "What do you do?" The answers really don't matter. What matters is how you answer. They're looking for the three E's: Excitement, Enthusiasm, and Excitement. You only have about ten seconds to make an impression, and if you don't exhibit the three E's right away, your ass ain't getting on.

With this in mind, I knew I had to act fast. When it was my turn to be interviewed, I leapt out of my seat, knocked over the old lady in front of me, and planted a big wet kiss on the producer's cheek. Before he had a chance to speak, I made my sales pitch: "HI MY NAME IS MIGHTY DYCKERSON I'M FROM DYCKERSONVILLE AND I HAVE MY OWN BLOG READ BY TENS OF PEOPLE EVERY DAY. I AM A PRICE IS RIGHT JUNKIE AND THE WALLS OF MY HOME ARE PLASTERED WITH PHOTOS OF BOB BARKER. I HAVE THE RULES TO EVERY PRICING GAME COMMITED TO MEMORY AND I KNOW THE PRICE OF EVERY SINGLE ITEM EVER SOLD IN THE U.S. SO IF MY NAME IS NOT CALLED, I WILL SLIT THE THROATS OF EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO!" Then I jumped around like a monkey and dry humped the producer from behind. I think I made a pretty big impact.

After the big interview, I proceeded to another cold hard metal bench where I had to wait for the 311 other losers to be interviewed. At some point, a camera crew from something called "CBS dot com" showed up and shot some footage for the CBS web site. (Sorry, I don't know the URL. I think it's CBS dot something.) Basically, we all had to hoot and holler and generally pretend to enjoy ourselves while the camera panned across the crowd. That old lady kept getting in my light, so I had to kick her to the ground. A little harsh, perhaps, but this is show business. No place for weaklings.

While we were waiting to be led into the studio, I found the shitters. One for ladies and one for gents. There wasn't much going on at the moment, so I seized the opportunity. I pushed open the black restroom door fully expecting to be dazzled by a colorful display of flashing lights, spinning wheels, and fabulous prizes...but imagine my disappointment when I discovered nothing but an ordinary men's room. And it wasn't even a nice men's room. Two urinals, a stall, a sink, and a stench. My dream was shattered. Surely neither Bob Barker nor his feces had ever set foot in that dump. I was so dismayed, all I could do was turn around and walk out.

But my melancholy wouldn't last long, for soon after I returned to my seat, the CBS page opened the double doors to the studio and the crowd went wild. The show was about to begin!!!! I jumped to my feet, trampled the 13 people in front of me, and ascended the stairs leading into the studio. Just then, something happened so shocking, so unbelievably stunning, you simply will not believe it. And I'll tell you what that was.....on the next installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD! Stay tuned!!!

18 comments:

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

ok, I had to add you to the ass wipe awards again. Fucker, you really are funny. I just didn't get it. Thank Randomness for singing your praises and making me keep coming back til I got it.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Really? You get it? Would you mind explaining it to me sometime, because I honestly don't.

Jackass Jenn said...

This amuses me. A lot. Because I too have suffered through those horrible metal benches, bad vending machine food they actually pay someone to physically sell and those damn annoying producers....at least I did it in the name of friendship. Longest day of my life and we only got there at 7am the same day, you definately win the prize.

Betchya I know what the next installment starts with....(along the lines of SIZE DOES MATTER...(and is deceiving)!)

tfg said...

For fuck's sake, get to the good part where you got testicular leprosy from the transvestites of Hollywood Blvd.

And don't delete this comment, fucker.

Scary Monster said...

You sure are milking this story better than the Swiss Miss giving hand jobs to cows.

PetStarr said...

I am loving this story. Even though you scare me a little.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

JJ - You guessed it. Bob's junk is indeed much larger in person.

TFG - Don't be absurd. The transvestites were on Sunset Blvd.

Monster - Thanks for the visual. SQUEEZE.

Petstarr - A little?? Damn, I must be slipping.

andy said...

I LOVED PASSWORD PLUS! LOVED!!!!!!

aren't you glad you let me comment again?

Beth said...

good lord, get to the good part already!

Willo Keays said...

I can't wait to hear what you thought of the studio!

Randomness said...

Damn it!!! How many parts are there to your shitty Price is Right Trip??? I am still waiting for them to get over for my ode-to-randomness. It best be good.
P.S. I Luv the Price is Right!!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Andy - Don't lie. It belittles us all.

Beth - Good things come to those who wait.

Willo - That's coming up in part 22.

Randomness - Have patience, my sweet darling angel. You won't be disappointed...unless, of course, you're expecting something really good. In that case, you'll probably be disappointed.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...TENS OF PEOPLE EVERY DAY..."

LMFAO!

"...SLIT THE THROATS OF EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO!"

LOL!

"...a pretty big impact."

OMGawd! I'm dying here. Seriously, I'm laughing so hard my children are frightened.

Good work, Mister Dyckerson! [grin]

Oh jeez... I hope you got picked. But if not, at least you still have your 'tens of readers'. [snicker]

RevRee said...

Show us your ta-tas!

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

One won one too. Three is up..go..and we are almost to Q so get with the program

Gucci Muse said...

Your interpersonal skills as evidenced by your interview are OUTSTANDING!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

RevRee - Time. Place.

RFAOWTLIAS - Don't pressure me, granny.

Gucci - Of course they are, dumbass. I don't need you to tell me that.

It's Me... Maven said...

Were you lucky enough to witness a wardrobe malfunction, perhaps?

PS: Unrelated note regarding plantars warts. And to answer the unasked, no, I did a far superior self surgerical removal of my PWs.