4/21/2007


PART III: FUCK CALIFORNIA IN GENERAL


On Saturday morning, I awoke to the sensation of stomach cramps. It appeared that last night's #4 combo from Jack in the Hole didn't agree with me. I jumped out of bed, made a beeline to the shitter, and put the Beverly Inn's plumbing system to the test. As I sat there ridding myself of giant brown torpedos, I was haunted by memories of that fateful night I spent at the Byrd Theatre.

I was feeling much better (but not well enough to fight the godawful L.A. traffic), so I ventured out on foot in search of my morning repast. The first place I encountered was a bagel joint called "Best Bagels" right across from CBS. With a name like that, how could I go wrong? I went inside and ordered a some O.J. and a cinnamon & raisin bagel from the grumpy Jew behind the counter. At least I think they were raisins. Actually, they were a bit crunchy for raisins. "Best Bagels," eh?? If by "best" they mean "barely edible," then I would have to concur. But it filled me up and gave me a much needed energy boost. And it drained my wallet of nearly SIX BUCKS. I guess Mel Gibson was right. The Jews really do control Hollywood.

By this time, I was up for a little adventure...so I went back to the motel, slipped into my combat gear, and headed out onto the L.A. freeway. Highway 101, I think it was. Or maybe it was the 401. Or the 104. Makes no difference - they all go the same place...NOWHERE. After 20 miles of being honked at, gestured to, and shot at, I decided to get off at the Las Virgenes exit. (Las Virgenes is spanish for "The Virgenes.")

Las Virgenes runs through the heart of picturesque Malibu Canyon. After traveling a few more miles, I came upon the entrance to Malibu Creek State Park. I was tired of driving around, so I went in for a closer inspection. I pulled up beside the guard gate and a flunkie appeared at my window. "That'll be eight bucks," she said. EIGHT BUCKS just to get into the park?? WTF??! I contemplated turning around, but the guard gate is cleverly situated between one of those swinging toll gate arms and a set of spike strips. I couldn't go forward and I couldn't go back. Reluctantly, I pulled out my wallet and forked over the eight bucks. "Want a map?" she asked. No, I'd prefer to wander aimlessly around the mountains and get eaten by a grizzly bear. YES I WANT A FUCKING MAP, YOU ASSHOLE IN A HAT!!! "That'll be a dollar," she informed me. Delightful. Can I put away my wallet now, or is oxygen extra too??

I parked the car and walked over to one of them shit-brown informational signs you always find at state parks. Turns out Malibu Creek State Park was formerly the Fox Ranch, a popular outdoor shooting location for many movies and TV shows - most notably, the exterior scenes of M*A*S*H. Great, I thought. Maybe I'll get to meet Klinger! At the bottom of the brown sign is a warning about wildlife. "If you should encounter a mountain lion, remain still and try to look as large as possible." Umm...MOUNTAIN LIONS?? You tell me this AFTER you take my nine bucks?? And how exactly do I make myself look larger? Stand beside a picture of Herve Villechaiz??!

I proceeded to the trailhead and made my way down the path. For several hours, I hiked over rugged terrain and dodged gigantic piles of lion poo. I guess it was lion poo. It certainly didn't look human...that is, unless someone drank an entire bottle of Milk of Magnesia laced with green food coloring. At some point, I passed a dude dressed in drag coming in the opposite direction. My face lit up like a Christmas fir. "Klinger!!" I screamed. "Is that you??!" Nope. No it wasn't. A little ways further, and there it was: the M*A*S*H site. Nothing left but a pile of dirt and a burned-out army Jeep. That's Hollywood for you.




By this time, I was exhausted, so I headed back for the PT Cruiser and continued down Las Virgenes to the Pacific Coast Highway...so named because it runs parallel to the Pacific coast. There it was, the Pacific Ocean, in all its splendor. Looked a lot like the Atlantic Ocean, which I've seen a billion times, thank you. I wasn't going to bother to get out of the car, but my bladder was getting full, so found a parking space near the beach, walked down to the water, and took a leak. I got some strange looks from the surfers - I don't know why. After all, the ocean is nature's toilet.

As I passed through the Malibu beach area, I marveled at the sight of the homes carved into the side of the mountains. These were the homes of celebrities...dumbass celebrities who were cheating fate by building their million dollar mansions in an area prone to landslides, mudslides, and earthquakes. It was in this area that I happened upon my third celebrity sighting.....



Ladies and gentlemen, CHER! Yeah, I got YOU, babe!!!

The hour was getting late, and besides that, it was time for me to meet up with the rest of my group. So I got off the Pacific Coast Highway near Santa Monica and headed back to home base via the Rosa Parks Freeway. Why California has a road named after Rosa Parks is beyond me. I don't think anyone who was on that freeway has ever given up a seat for anybody...unless that seat happened to be an electric chair.

Due to scheduling issues, I had to check my ass out of the Beverly Inn and move next door to the equally shitty Guest House Inn. I met my group in the lobby and we set out on foot in seek of food items. I had no intention of returning to Jack in the Hole or the bagel joint, so we ended up at some nondescript little sidewalk cafe dump that served vegan food. My stomach was sending me multimedia manifestos of hate, so I decided I better order a salad. My friend ordered the orange chicken. Don't ask me how a vegan restaurant can get away with serving chicken. This is California, after all.

After dinner, we swung by CBS Television City to taunt the security guard working the front gate. As we rounded the corner of Beverly Blvd. and Fairfax Ave., something happened so shocking, so unbelievably stunning, you simply will not believe it. And I'll tell you what that was.....on the next installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD! Stay tuned!!!


11 comments:

It's Me... Maven said...

That "chicken" was probably some type of fake out soy or tempeh crap. I read on someone else's blog about how frying tofu in bacon grease really improves the flavor, and I dare say I concur:)

I'm on pins and needles waiting for the next update:)

Scary Monster said...

"Stand beside a picture of Herve Villechaize" Damn Dyck, that ain't gonna work. It might make you look bigger, but follywood lions can tell the difference between nick-Nack and a monkey snack.

Willo Keays said...

I have to admit .. the map left me giggling like a little girl. Don't know why ... it just did. It's all about the details!

Gucci Muse said...

The most interesting journey of your story is your mapping of the 101- all those curly cues of road on the map- in the story is sounded uneventful to be driving on the 101.

Maybe you will be writing about the "MORE CRAP" area in the middle?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Mave - What's the deal with you reading other people's blogs?? I thought we had something special here.

Monster - How long have you been waiting to use that joke?

Willo - I'm glad you liked the map. Sanjaya made it for me. ;)

Gucci - Please, this is a respectable blog. I would never write about crap...unless it's coming out of my butthole.

Beth said...

god, you are SUCH a tease....I love it! Don't stop!

tfg said...

What is this fuckery--you deleted my comment?!? That's like spray painting over a Van Gogh or taping over Boinkin' Grandmas, Vol IV.

Gucci Muse said...

I can see your point. I can. But if you did write about it, the whole damned area could then be called Dyckiewood. And how fabulous would that be? You do think you are fabulous, don't you?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - What the fuck are you talking about, fucker? You didn't leave any fucking comment on this fucking post. So fuckity fuck off!

Gucci - Hollywood can remain as-is. I wouldn't stain the otherwise good Dyckerson name by being associated with that shit hole.

~ Stacy ~ said...

"...multimedia manifestos of hate..."

[chuckle] I do love your creative wordplay.

I'm rather impressed with your map-making skills, as well.

You never cease to amaze, Mister Dyckerson.

It's Me... Maven said...

I would be remiss if I didn't say that the pic of "Cher" reminds me of the videos in your Grandpa Dyckerson's theater...