4/19/2007

PART II: FUCK L.A.

On the first installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD, I had just landed at Los Angeles International Aiport after a grueling 5-hour trip aboard a flying dildo with wings...

And as I made my way through the concourse and toward the exit, something happened so shocking, so unbelievably stunning, you simply will not believe it. I turned toward the baggage carousel thingy, and there it was! The airline had NOT lost my luggage!!!

My next stop was the Payless Auto Rental booth. I told the bitch at the counter to give me my wheels. I had ordered a compact, but apparently there's a huge demand for Ford Foci, because they upgraded me to a BRAND NEW SUV!


Yes, it's the FABULOUS PT CRUISER featuring advanced multi-stage driver and front-passenger airbags, AM/FM radio with CD player, power locks and windows, front disc/rear drum brakes, and power rack-and-pinion steering, and a 2.4L DOHC four-cylinder 16V engine with automatic transmission! Retail value: $16,205!!!!!

I located my vehicle, hopped in, and unfolded my trusty map. Only 10 miles to the motel - I should be there in 15 minutes tops, I thought. Three hours later, I had moved approximately 75 feet. Welcome to L.A. Although I am happy to report that while en route, I had my first celebrity sighting.....


Can you recognize him? That's right, it's SANJAYA from American Idol! Looks a lot different without all the makeup, doesn't he??

God help you if you need to make a left turn anywhere in the Los Angeles area. Evidently Californians don't believe in left turn signals. Instead, you have to sit there on a solid green light and wait for a break in traffic. What they don't seem to understand is THERE IS NEVER A BREAK IN TRAFFIC! Instead, everybody just waits for the light to turn red and sneaks through before the other cars start to move. Good times.

Finally I made it to the motel, the luxurious BEVERLY INN across the street from CBS Headquarters. The Beverly Inn is run by a chink who actually lives in a room behind the check-in counter. Sounds pathetic, but after my battle with L.A. traffic, I couldn't help but admire his short commute. Hell, I even asked to fill out a job application, but unfortunately my Korean is a little rusty.

The room was a shit box. Only one lamp in the whole joint, so I decided to open the window and let in a little bit of California sunshine. Turned out my window opened to a view of an alley and a brown wall. No problem, I thought. I'll just watch some TV! I picked up the remote, but it turned out to be...how shall I put this...sticky.

By now I was starving, so I decided to grab some grub. One thing I noticed as I was cruising around looking for a fast food restaurant: You can't swing a deceased feline without hitting a Jack in the Box restaurant. They're nonexistent in the east, but good God, they're everywhere in Hollywood. The last thing I wanted was a giant ball of grease in my gizzard, but I finally caved in and got myself a fatburger and freedom fries. As luck would have it, while exiting the Jack in the Box, I encountered yet another celebrity enjoying a lovely beverage in the outside eating area.....


Ladies and gentlemen, it's KIRSTIE ALLEY from Cheers! She has really let herself go. Very sad. A word to the wise: Don't approach her for an autograph while she's feeding. It's not pretty.

Anyway, by this point I was fucking exhausted, so I headed back to the motel to get some shuteye. It was a good thing I got some rest that night, because the next day's events would prove to be so shocking, so unbelievably stunning, you simply will not believe it. And I'll tell you what that is.....on the next installment of A DYCK IN HOLLYWOOD! Stay tuned!!!

10 comments:

Dixie said...

Thanks to you the people I work with think I'm insane. I can hear them saying shit "that's the crazy bitch that sits over there in her cubicle and alternates between laughing and crying....it's so sad."

Oh yeah, I have bestowed upon you the thinking blogger award.

Scary Monster said...

Kirsty alley be lookin fine.
Me gonna run out and get me a extra large bag of flour and hop on the next flight to follywood.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Remember you were THE Dyck in Hollywood...

Lux Lisbon said...

At least you saw some celebrities. On my trip to LA the only think exciting thing I got was the story of my friends labiaplasty.

Nancy said...

I can't get past the PT Cruiser, ummm, smoooooth! lol

tfg said...

When I'm elected God, thongs that large will be illegal.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dixie - Why are you crying? Did Kirstie Alley steal your french fries too?

Monster - You can't take flour on airplanes. Terrorists could use it to powder us to death.

Irish - You flatter me! Show me your ta-tas.

Lux - Why the hell did your friend have her labia plastered??

Nancy - Did I mention it had THREE cupholders??

TFG - Actually, I think she made it out of a tablecloth.

Willo Keays said...

Not funny! You know what I'm talking about too! :P

~ Stacy ~ said...

LOL! @ your pre-Price is Right, PT Cruiser Showcase bit. You were totally in the groove, eh?

Sanjaya - Bwahahahahahahahaha ha ha! (Errr, sorry Willo.)

I'm staying tuned!

Oh, and hey... Fix this, pretty please: "This blog does not allow anonymous comments." (no, I won't show you my ta-tas)

It's Me, Maven... said...

Yanno, if a little bit of grease from her fatburger drips down between her legs, I dare say that stool will be a complete goner, necessitating the jaws of life to fish it out of her cavernous hoohah.