News Update

My, but a lot of shit has transpired in the last week or two! I've been so busy crafting my Price is Right novella, I haven't had time to cover any of it. I know many of you get your news solely from The Mighty Blog, so I feel it's my duty to take a few moments and catch everyone up. Here's an update:

Of course, the big story last week was the Virginia Tech Massacre. (Doesn't that sound like a 70's slasher film?) Quadrahexadecahomicide is no laughing matter...particularly when commited by a psychotic chink who had no business being loose. Hell, I spent a few of my formative years close to Blacksburg. I even fornicated with a handful of VT coeds. So this really hit home for me - especially when that package from the killer arrived at Dyckerson Headquarters two days before the shooting. Guess I shouldn't have waited til yesterday to open it.

Earlier this week, astronomers announced that they found a giant ball of crap floating around in space. Wow, that's really something. It sure is rare to find a round object in space. There are only what, A BILLION STARS in our galaxy alone?? That doesn't even include the planets, moons, comets, asteroids, hemorhoids, and assorted other 'rhoids floating around out there. I guess the big news here is this planet is Earth-like and might contain life. Gee, I wonder if they have mass murdering mental midgets there too? No thanks, I think I'll just take my chances here. Besides, it'll save me from having to mail all those change-of-planet cards to my relatives.

Speaking of giant balls of crap, Rosie O'Douchebag announced she is leaving The View. That's the best news I've heard all year. Now maybe that bag of gas will keep her fucking mouth shut. Of course, we can't be that lucky. She'll be back on television polluting the airwaves again in no time. I even heard she wants to host The Price is Right. Yeah, that would go over well: "Before we bring out the Plinko board, I'd like to tell you why Donald Trump is a loser. Oh, and that whole 9/11 thing was a government conspiracy. Now what's the price of the toaster?"

I understand there was a presidential debate the other night. I didn't watch it - it's too early to care. I think we'd see better voter turnout on Election Day if we used the American Idol format. You know, start out with maybe 10 candidates...then once a week we dial in and vote for our favorite. The candidate with the fewest votes gets eliminated until we narrow it down to the final three. Those three get to have sex with Paula Abdul, who then chooses the winner!

We were all saddened to hear of the passing of Jack Valenti, head of the Motion Picture Association. He's the dude responsible for the rating system - you know, R, NC-17, and XXX. I think there are others, but I have no idea what they are. Anyway, funeral arrangements have finalized. Services will take place at Forest Lawn daily at (3:45), 5:30, 7:15, 9:00, and 10:45. Concessions will be available in the lobby, and wreaths may be purchased for $7.00 (Medium), $7.50 (Large), or $8.00 (X-Large).

On the home front, my ex-internets-wife RevRee leaked a very personal voice mail to the media. In the message, I went a little nuts and cursed out our baby son, Dyck Jr. Did I cross the line? Listen and judge for yourself:

If you ask me, the little bastard was asking for it.

Anyway, that wraps up this news update. Stay tuned tomorrow when I begin my 92-part series on my recent appearance on The Joker's Wild!!!


It's Me... Maven said...

Yanno, watching/listening to that video reminds me of why, exactly, I do not watch all that much t.v. REAL LIFE is indeed far more compelling over something some writer can knock out for us:)

Legaleagle said...

There is something fundamentally wrong with you. Having said that, it works for you. Thanks for the laugh!

Bostick said...

used the American Idol format

passing of Jack

Those three get to have butt sex!

Dear god... You are a flaming homosexual.. queer.

tfg said...

I'll bet Dyck Jr's first word will be "pigfucker."

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - Maybe you need your own reality show.

Eagle - I'll take that as a compliment.

Bostick - Do I know you??

TFG - I've got 20 bucks that says it'll be "ta-tas."

It's Me... Maven said...

Indeed, Dyckerson, I should have a reality show on my bathroom habits alone! I'm downright combustible today. Had some killer smoked ribs last night with a side of baked beans, corn on the cob, and some pickled beets. NO LIE. I can't stop farting and it's well over 12 hours after the fact.

andy said...

Thank gods you're here, since I don't watch any actual news. How would I have ever known that movie dude croaked?

Thank you for your services. (not those, perv.)

ADW said...

Wow, there was so much you covered. I hope that Rosie O'Retard becomes the host of Price is Right and you get invited back for the billion dollar showcase showdown. Then you can shit in her toilet, although if your ass isn't four feet wide, you would probably fall right in.

RevRee said...

How could you? How could you have stooped to this level?

You're ruining this family with your drinking and woman, and the game shows, It's got to stop!

Don't make me pull the sex tapes out! I swear I will!!!

Luck o' the Irish said...

I wonder if when leaving that message, you realized you were on an INTERPLANTARY PHONE! Gawd. You know that Crap Planet phones and Earth phones don't play nice with each other. Of COURSE, the pig couldn't get to your call.

Luck o' the Irish said...

and let me learn how to spell INTERPLANETARY!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - That's good stuff. You need to submit a story to PoopReport.com!

Andy - No need to thank me. Your thanks is thanks enough.

ADW - My ass ain't coming anywhere NEAR Rosie's commode. Ugliness could be contagious!

RevRee - Sex tapes?? Don't be absurd. I've converted everything to DVD.

Irish - It's quite possible. I've been leaving messages for Uranus, but I never hear a response.

Sornie said...

The View: catering to unemployed men who would never admit to watching "The View" for far too long.

It's Me... Maven said...

I can see it now, "Gee, Doc... I don't know how I got it, I guess I caught ugliness off a toilet seat."

Plausible, no?

Gucci Muse said...

Did you cross the line? Hmmmm-did you cross the line?

No, I would have to say you did not cross no stinkin' line!

As a matter of fact, I think you crossed the line so much, you eradicated it and therefore there is no more line for you to cross.

Therefore, you are unfettered in your action.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sornie - I can't imagine any straight man watching The View.

Maven - Makes sense to me. Where else would you catch it??

Gucci - I'd like to fetter you, my dear! ;)

~ Stacy ~ said...

"Services will take place at Forest Lawn daily at..."