Earlier this week, astronomers announced that they found a giant ball of crap floating around in space. Wow, that's really something. It sure is rare to find a round object in space. There are only what, A BILLION STARS in our galaxy alone?? That doesn't even include the planets, moons, comets, asteroids, hemorhoids, and assorted other 'rhoids floating around out there. I guess the big news here is this planet is Earth-like and might contain life. Gee, I wonder if they have mass murdering mental midgets there too? No thanks, I think I'll just take my chances here. Besides, it'll save me from having to mail all those change-of-planet cards to my relatives.
Speaking of giant balls of crap, Rosie O'Douchebag announced she is leaving The View. That's the best news I've heard all year. Now maybe that bag of gas will keep her fucking mouth shut. Of course, we can't be that lucky. She'll be back on television polluting the airwaves again in no time. I even heard she wants to host The Price is Right. Yeah, that would go over well: "Before we bring out the Plinko board, I'd like to tell you why Donald Trump is a loser. Oh, and that whole 9/11 thing was a government conspiracy. Now what's the price of the toaster?"
I understand there was a presidential debate the other night. I didn't watch it - it's too early to care. I think we'd see better voter turnout on Election Day if we used the American Idol format. You know, start out with maybe 10 candidates...then once a week we dial in and vote for our favorite. The candidate with the fewest votes gets eliminated until we narrow it down to the final three. Those three get to have sex with Paula Abdul, who then chooses the winner!
We were all saddened to hear of the passing of Jack Valenti, head of the Motion Picture Association. He's the dude responsible for the rating system - you know, R, NC-17, and XXX. I think there are others, but I have no idea what they are. Anyway, funeral arrangements have finalized. Services will take place at Forest Lawn daily at (3:45), 5:30, 7:15, 9:00, and 10:45. Concessions will be available in the lobby, and wreaths may be purchased for $7.00 (Medium), $7.50 (Large), or $8.00 (X-Large).
On the home front, my ex-internets-wife RevRee leaked a very personal voice mail to the media. In the message, I went a little nuts and cursed out our baby son, Dyck Jr. Did I cross the line? Listen and judge for yourself:
If you ask me, the little bastard was asking for it.
Anyway, that wraps up this news update. Stay tuned tomorrow when I begin my 92-part series on my recent appearance on The Joker's Wild!!!