3/08/2007

A Plain Old Ass

Author's Note: I know some of you may have been expecting an update on the Miracle Ass situation. I assure you, one will be forthcoming. I am expecting a major announcement at any time, and I am prepared to break in to this post at a moment's notice if news warrants. For now, I present to you an ass of a different color...



Meet my "boss." He is the lead dork for the team of computer dorks of which I am a member. This is one of his favorite activities: Climbing on top of his desk and peaking over his cube wall at his neighbor. This is how he chooses to communicate. He does this EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. What, you don't believe me?? Here's another picture from a different day...


And another...


Now I ask you, is this normal behavior for the workplace?? I swear I'm going to rent myself a circular saw from the Home Depot and sneak into his cube one night. Then I'm going to set the saw blade for 1/8th inch less than the thickness of his desktop. Then I'm going to saw a line all the way across the bottom side, leaving just enough wood to support the weight of his phone and keyboard. Next time he tries to climb on top of that thing, he'll be in for an unpleasant surprise. For extra fun, I'll even sprinkle some of my thumb tacks on the floor beneath. And rest assured, Dyck fans...I'll have my trusty camera standing by!

Does that seem harsh to you? Well consider another fact: He does virtually NO WORK WHATSOEVER. Instead, he spends most of his time hanging around our quartet of cubicles and telling unamusing stories about his inconsequential little life. And holy shit, this dork has an endless supply of them. It's like he feels it is his duty to entertain us.

Many of his stories are about his retarded baby whose name I choose not to remember. I don't know much about babies, but I know this one is REALLY FUCKING STUPID. This Darwin Award candidate likes to smear dog shit on her face and eat it, much to the amusement of her dorky father. She also enjoys hitting herself in the head with a variety of dangerous household objects - another source of endless entertainment for daddy. I say throw the little retard a pack of shit-covered razor blades and be done with it.

Other stories showcase what a spoiled little prick he is. For example, there's his precious BMW. Christ, he loves that thing. To hear him talk about it, you'd think he goes home every night and fucks it up the ashtray...and I'm not sure he doesn't. For the last week, his piece-of-shit "beemer" has been in the shop, forcing him to rent a Chevy Malibu, the only vehicle his insurance company would pay for. Now all he does is bitch and moan about how much he hates driving it: "Man, I can't be driving no Malibu! It's just not the same! Where are the heated seats? Where is the GPS?? This thing doesn't even have a motorized retractable cup holder!"

This douchebag loves to spend money on impulse. The day AFTER Christmas, he decided on a whim to buy his homely wife a baby grand piano. He shared with us his intention to do so, and it went something like this: "Hey, baby grand pianos are cool! I think I'll buy one!" Trust me, I know how much this loser makes - it ain't much more than I do - and he has no business buying pianos. Especially considering he'll likely be paying to send his retarded kid to a "special" school. Oh, did I mention HIS WIFE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY PIANO??! Now they're thinking about moving because the 3,000 square foot McMansion they've called home for all of ONE YEAR just isn't big enough anymore, and besides that, they can't get along with their neighbors. Well guess what, pal. If I were your neighbor, I'd be helping you pack right now.

He also calls himself an environmentalist because he switched the incandescent light bulbs in his house to those longer-lasting flourescent jobs. Well whoop de doo. Guess how long his office recycling campaign lasted. If you said THREE DAYS, give yourself a pork rind. Seems he couldn't get the custodial staff to provide a separate bin for aluminum cans, and it was too much of a "hassle" for him to get his own damn bin. And guess how many electrical items Mr. Energy Conscious has in his cube...besides a computer, that is. Let's count them, shall we??
  • A lamp. (It's plenty bright in here. What the fuck does he need with a lamp??)
  • A clock. (I guess the TWO CLOCKS on the computer and the phone aren't enough for him.)
  • A fan. (For God's sake, the building is CLIMATE CONTROLLED.)
  • A satellite radio receiver. (More evidence that he DOESN'T DO SHIT around here.)
  • A small refrigerator. (We have a break room with a frig in it. I guess the 30-FOOT WALK is too much effort.)
  • A wok. (He doesn't really have a wok. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)
Finally, there's his obsession with Skittles. The other day I was walking back to my desk after taking a wicked piss. I glanced in his direction, and I noticed he had a bag's worth of Skittles scattered all over his desk. At first I thought he spilled the damned things. But then I noticed he appeared to be...well...organizing the Skittles. "What the fuck are you doing??" I demanded. Turns out the goofy bastard was grouping the Skittles by color!! You see, he doesn't like to mix up the flavors. I remind you, this man has FATHERED A CHILD.

Fortunately, I may not have to put up with him much longer. I hear he's up for a promotion to CEO.

18 comments:

Gucci Muse said...

OMG! The baby with the chocolate shit dollop on its head-looks hysterically happy!

Aza said...

I seperate my M&M's by color...but that's just because I'm a candy color bigot.

karla said...

Your boss looks cute. Can you get his phone number for me?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gucci - Wouldn't you be happy if you had a chocolate shit dollp on your head??

Aza - As long as you don't mix the browns with the yellows.

Ms. Babble - Sure. You want him to call your 900 number directly, or should he go through your pimp?

paddy said...

some of those of those babies are a hell of a lot better looking than you Dyck-erson

Little Lamb said...

What if your boss's boss sees this? What will happen then? Will he get fired? Will you get promoted?

What's going to happen next?

Will Dyck be looking for a new job is his boss sees this?

Stay Tuned to:

The never ending saga of Mighty Dyckerson and his work.

Gucci Muse said...

Hmmm, I would have to think about that, Dyck- you know, having to look like a Munchkin from OZ and all, because of the dolloped bald head....

Scary Monster said...

You boss reminds me of the fuckers who used to peep over the stall walls to catch a glimpse of me Monster schlong or to harass me while jerkin the gerkin while me was in school. Me thinks he be a latent homoflexual.

Go with the plan! get the saw and set the turd up, but don't forget to record it all and post it. You can always blame it on the Mexican cleaning lady who probably got sick of cleaning up his Skittles bags.

P.S. Me has the sinking feeling that me is lookin at future history when me be watching grandpa Dyckerson.

Gonna be there gonna do that!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Paddy - You sure told me.

Lambo - If I get fired, so be it. My blog comes first.

Monster - To discourage peepers, I like to create a blanket out of toilet paper and drape it over the bathroom stall.

ajooja said...

I turned my office into a fortress. You have to walk half-way inside just to see if I'm in there. If I could cover it with a blankee, it would be perfect.

I would *hate* this guy. I'm just sayin.'

tfg said...

I sure hope you don't read your blog from work.

Yeah Him said...

Aaahhh, let us ponder management at it's most brilliant.

Where do they find these people since they're everywhere? Is there anyone left with a slight bit of competence or common sense?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ajooja - Well why can't you cover it with a blankee??

TFG - Why would that mat.....ooohhh SHIT.

Him - Where have you been?? The competent ones are the ones who do the work!

Little Lamb said...

Or you could get a promotion, who knows?

It's Me, Maven... said...

See, the saw thing would take up too much effort for my liking. I'd much rather tuna juice his chair.

Little Lamb said...

Personally I think your boss is funny peeking on unsuspecting people. It's even funnier that you caught him in the act.

Beth said...

is this really about you?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

His skittle organizations suggests hints of OCD, so maybe you can simply, slightly rearrange things on his desk until he slowly goes insane, or more so. If that doesn't work go with the band saw and thumb tacks thing.