3/28/2007

Name That Tumor

Cancer seems to be all the rage these days.


Last week, John Edwards' wife Tipper announced she had lumps in her tits. Stage 4 cancer or whatever. Big frigging deal, I say! Hell, I've got a bad case of the 'rhoids, but you don't see my crying about it. Besides, the woman must be pushing 50 by now. She's had a full rich life. Actually, the timing of her announcement is quite interesting, considering Johnny recently declared he's running for president. Sounds to me like somebody is fishing for a few sympathy votes. Well I'm not falling for it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if his bitch didn't have cancer at all.*

As if that weren't enough, a couple of days ago some dude named Tony Sleet came out of the cancer closet. My first reaction: Who the fuck is this idiot, and why should I care??! Then I found out he works as a SECRETARY in the White House. WTF??! Why the hell is a MAN doing woman's work anyway?? Sounds to me like this guy is one of them gay homersexuals. No wonder his asshole is fucked.**

Then I thought, why should these two have all the fun?? I want to get in on the cancer bandwagon. So I hereby announce that I, MIGHTY DYCKERSON, HAVE TESTICULAR CANCER.

That's right, you heard me. I discovered it this morning while I was fondling my beanbag in the shower. There I was, cupping my sack and squeezing my nuts...when all of the sudden I felt an unfamiliar lump. Or maybe it was a node. Yeah, node sounds better. Anyway, I immediately rushed to the doctor and had him inspect my family jewels. Sure enough, he confirmed my worst fear. I have a tumor in my teabag. And none of that stage four bullshit. That's kid stuff. I have STAGE 93 CANCER!!! Let's see you fuckers beat that!!!!

Actually, the doc said the tumor could be easily removed. But I'm leaving it in for a while so I can enjoy the attention. Hell, with any luck, I might even get a sympathy blowjob from Manola. In the meantime, here come the waterworks!






* Yeah, I'm going to Hell.

** I better start packing.


23 comments:

Crunchy BC said...

Wow. Diseased as they may be, you have one giant pair, my friend.

Aza said...

Only you, Dyck, can put the "fun" back into "funeral". May your death be a swift one!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

BC - The apples don't fall far from the tree, if you know what I'm saying. And I think you do.

Aza - You're much too kind.

Legaleagle said...

Yep, you are definately spending some time in hell. Don't worry though -- I'm throwing a party there. You can bring the ice.

Pud said...

Wow! Such anger you have. You need to get laid!

lessake said...

Going to hell for sure! But there's more fun anyway, so we'll be seeing you at Legaleagle's party?
Stage 93 testicular cancer should get you even sympathy sex if you play it out right!

tfg said...

Sounds like Pud is volunteering.

the dude said...

Tom Green already had this cancer. He even mad a crappy song about checking your balls so you don't have cancer. I guess the good side is he had Drew Berrymore all over him at that time. See, even celebrities use cancer to their advantage.

It's Me, Maven... said...

No worries Mighty Dyckerson... once you've been de-balled, I'll spring for you to have some Neuticles implanted.

Hell, if you pay for them, I'll do the job myself with a razor blade, some tweezers and a bottle of Camphophenique (just like I removed my own plantars warts! AND NO, that's not a joke, I actually did that!!).

Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh Mighty! Are you sure you really have a tumor? No symphathy blow jobs until my fluffer checks first!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - I'll pass. I still haven't recovered from your last party. Did the cops ever find that goat?

Pud - I'll take that as an invitation!

Lessake - Who the hell are you?

TFG - Don't steal my lines.

Dude - Isn't Tom Green the guy from the Jackass movies?

Maven - Nothing turns me on more than a woman talking about warts!

Yeah Him said...

You're mixing up Al Gore's slag of a wife Tipper for John Edwards' token wife (to keep the Ann Coulters of the world away). Tipper was the bitch who wanted to censor rock music.

Good luck with your testicles. I'm sure they'll need it.

Beth said...

You are so sick...that's all I can say....you are so sick. But give your balls a squeeze for me ok? ;)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Him - What possible difference could it make? As far as I'm concerned, they're all named Tipper.

Beth - I'll take that as a compliment! Good luck with your divorce.

lessake said...

I'm your every day usual lurker!

Brit said...

Ur dumb.

Legaleagle said...

Dyck, they did find the goat. And he told me to tell you he's pressing charges.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Lessake - That's nice. Are you naked right now??

Brit - Suck my dead pig.

Eagle - Figures. Goats love to charge.

lessake said...

I can neither deny nor confirm.

Gucci Muse said...

OK, that breast picture makes me gag-its pretty gross-

The photo of your family jewels are are equally memorable.

Dyckerson- you need more attention? I have not noticed you as a wallflower. I don't think you could fade into the woodwork if you tried but that is where your attention craving cancer scare should go!

I can't wait until your next post so the breast is not front and center when I visit your page-its a disturbing photo.

Wait. Disturbing- that is just like you, isn't it? Now I know why that poor little girl is bawling her eyes out. Poor thing. Now if I could just figure out why she has that dracula like black pinky nail....

~ Stacy ~ said...

Yup. Node sounds better.

OMGawd. Save me a front-row, marshmallow melting seat, 'cuz I'm going to hell too. That was a damn funny post, Mr. Dyckerson.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gucci - How could you not like the cancer tit? Besides, we have to face these things head on if we ever expect to understand them.

Stacy - I knew I could count on you to appreciate some good clean tumor humor.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Hey Dyckerson, did I neglect to say my plantars warts were on my girlie bits?

J/K!