Mighty Dyckerson: True American Hero

For years, you've known me as Mighty Dyckerson the humorist, educator, masturbator, entrepreneur, philosopher, philanderer, artist, entertainer, raconteur, bon vivant, and homo sapien. Well as of today, you can add HERO to my long list of achievements.

Actually not as of today. This life altering event took place a couple of weeks ago. But unlike certain bloggers, I have such a wealth of top quality blog material, I have become a bit backed up. Hell, I throw away more blog ideas than some of you write in a year. But I digest. Back to my story.

It was a windy Sunday afternoon in early March. Old Man Winter was just beginning to loosen his tight grasp, and Young Lady Spring was emerging over the horizon like a hungry rat atop a bucket of extra crispy at a New York City KFC. Somewhere in the distance, a baby robin cried out for its mother with a hearty "tweet tweet."

I had just arrived at Mother Dyckerson's residence for a lovely dinner consisting of pot roast, mashed potatoes, and a few heaping helpings of guilt. Mother Dyckerson lives in a condominium, which is like an apartment, only you buy it. Her neighbors consist mainly of old fossils much like herself (think Del Boca Vista only without the palm trees).

I was walking up the sidewalk to Mother D's unit when I heard a woman's voice out of the corner of my ear. "Help! Help me, young man!"

Immediately I sprung into action...by pretending to ignore the voice. Normally I prefer to avoid getting into situations where I am expected to do something. Unfortunately, my efforts to elude the woman's plea were in vain.

"You there! Please help me, my mother has fallen and she can't get up!"

For a brief moment, my trepidation turned to relief. They must be shooting a Life Alert commercial, I thought. Then I looked around. No lights, no cameras, no yellow 800 number suspended in mid-air. Instead, there was a rather large old woman laying on the sidewalk two doors down. Her middle aged mother kneeling beside her, flailing her arms trying to get my attention. No one else was in sight. Awww SHIT, I thought. My potatoes are going to get cold.

With the speed and agility of a panther,* I dashed to the scene. "What seems to be the problem here?"

"My mother fell down! Help me get her up!" the daughter screamed frantically.

She's got to be kidding, I thought. There was no way in Hades I'd be lifting that whale. I sized up the daughter and could easily tell she would be no help. Besides, I had already washed my hands for dinner. Immediately my EMT training** came back to me.

"We better not try to move her," I told the daughter. Then I turned to the old broad. "Is anything broken?"

"No...I don't think so...maybe," she muttered. That was good enough for me. This woman wasn't going anywhere on my watch.

"I'm going to call 911," the daughter said.

"Good idea," I replied as she ran into their condo. "And bring some blankets! I'm getting cold standing out here!"

A few hours later, the fire department showed up and got her off the ground. I think they used a crane. Or maybe it was a forklift. I don't know - I was too busy eating my pot roast. As for what happened next, again I'm not sure. I guess she lived. Anyway, that doesn't really matter. The important thing is, I assisted the woman who called 911, who then dispatched the fire department, who then possibly saved her life. And in my book, that's just as good as saving her life myself.

I was thinking about calling the local newspaper and telling them my heroic tale. Perhaps I'd get my picture on the front page. But then I thought, real heroes don't care about that kind of recognition. So I decided to write about it here instead. Please, no need to thank me. Your gifts of cash will be thanks enough.

Tweet tweet.

* Make that a very old panther with a cinderblock tied to its foot.
** I used to watch "Emergency!" when I was a kid. I was a big Randolph Mantooth fan.


Gucci Muse said...

Well until today, I did not know you were a masturbating bon vivant-now that is something.

Now, back to lauding you for your expert use of your CPR training that must have been an integral part of your EMT experience.

I am quite SURE that if this act of heroism gets out, that it would put an end certain to your days of blogging.

You will be so popular with the senior housing gals, that they will overrun Life Alert with all the "help I can't get up" calls, that they will make you their national homo sapien spokesman.

So, we can't have that, now can we?

Keep on doing what you do when in need-assist away with calling 911, step over those beached whales and regale over the fact while enjoying your pot roast, you have done your duty, done your part to keep yourself out of the shameless limelight in order to continue to entertain us all through the joy of blogging.

Here, here, Dyckerson! We thank you, yes we do.

Angel said...

you would like Randolph Mantooth....I bet you'd like him to man your tooth, huh? that really made no sense, did it?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gucci - I knew I could count on your support. Tonight I shall sleep knowing the world is a better place because of me.

Beth - No wonder your husband is leaving you.

Girl in a Guy's World said...

You are a hero, saving the world, one oversized elderly woman at a time!

Aza said...

Well if pointing and laughing really hard or hollering “Wow! Sucks to be you!“ counts as heroism, you can count me among the best too!

Maven said...

I, on the other hand (or fist, as it were), would have played deaf and dumb. I have my own bad back to think of.

tfg said...

Did you snap a photo of her ass, too?

Unknown said...

No habla engles always works for me.

Anonymous said...

Well that does it. I always thought of you as more puma-like. Consider the bubble burst.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - I do what I can.

Aza - Good work! Someone has to lighten the mood during those life threatening situations.

Maven - Playing dumb shouldn't be too hard for you. (Sorry, I had to say it.)

TFG - Nope. Left the wide angle lens at home. (Sorry, I had to say that too.)

Lux - Shit, where were you when I needed you??!

Irish - Great, I haven't burst a bubble since I was in high school!

Baron Ectar said...

Someone says help me young man and you answered ... what kind of drugs are you on Old Man?!

Maria de los Angeles said...

Oh I was expecting you to turn into Dyck Hogan or something and lift her up with your mighty penis. :-)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bacon Eggar - YOU'RE BACK!!!

Manola - No way! I'm not risking damaging my pipe organ on that heffer! (BTW, have I told you today how hot that avatar is?)

Anonymous said...

You're always my hero, Mister Dyckerson. With or without the pork rinds.

But, "tweet tweet"?

What did you do... swallow a whistle? Oh, wait, I get it. You're tooting your own horn.

BUMBLE!!! said...

The important thing is that you tried.

Maria de los Angeles said...

No Dyke, you haven't! But thank you ... If it's that hot, I might have to squirt it with my pool toy! :-)

Maven said...

... yesss... yesss... well played, Dyckerson. I inadvertently set that up.

But you got my point.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Scary Monster said...

Mr. Mighty me surprised at you. Grampa would have pig raped the sow while waiting for the firemen.
Me thinks you are getting soft.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - If I could toot my own horn, I wouldn't need a woman.

Him - My thoughts exactly.

Manola - You don't need to squirt it. My drool will cool it off.

Maven - Point taken, dummy!

Monster - Please. Even Grandpa Dyckerson has standards.

tkkerouac said...

tkkerouac said...

Anonymous said...

True, Mister Dyckerson. For if you had a 'woman', you certainly wouldn't be saying 'tweet-tweet'.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TK - Umm, I'll pass. Didn't I review your daughter's shitty blog once?

Stacy - Twat twat!

karla said...

I thought you said you had interesting stuff to write about. Are you saving that for next time?