3/18/2007

I've Been Schooled

You haven't lived until you've spent eight hours cooped inside a hotel conference room with a homersexual traffic school instructor.


That's how I spent my Saturday. If you're a regular Mighty Blog reader (and if you're not, why the fuck aren't you?), you will recall I was framed for speeding in a school zone two months ago. I fought the ticket in court, and upon hearing my eloquent and well thought out argument, the judge decided to let me go to traffic school in exchange for dismissing the charge. What a swell guy.

So Saturday morning, I dragged my ass out of bed, had a few vodka tonics, and sped my way to the hotel. Many events took place that day, but not to worry. For your convenience, I have arranged the highlights into a handy dandy timeline.....

9:01am - I enter the conference room. The joint is filled with rows of hastily assembled folding tables, two chairs to a table, with a crappy podium in front and a dime store white board tacked to the wall. The victims are lined up in back to register.

9:02am - I am greeted by a homersexual instructor: "HI WELCOME TO THE CLASS MY NAME IS AARON THAT'S 55 DOLLARS CASH FABULOUS THANK YOU VERY MUCH GRAB A BOOKLET AND HAVE A SEAT!!!" He says - make that SCREAMS - this exact same thing, without pausing, to every single person in line. I can't believe how much cash he's handling - 55 clams each times 30. That's.....a whole lot of money! I consider returning next week with a ski mask and an AK-47.

9:05am - I take the only remaining seat, and it's in front of the room. My table mate is a grungy looking hippie who smells like sour milk and looks like he slept in a bus station last night.

9:08am - Class begins: "GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME WE HAVE A LOT OF INFORMATION TO GET TO TODAY I KNOW YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS YOU'D RATHER BE DOING SO LET'S GET STARTED TURN TO PAGE ONE!" This guy sounds like Richard Simmons on crack.

9:10am - Aaron begins the lecture. The word of the day is ATTITUDE. Apparently some genius decided to turn it into an acronym, which each letter representing some brilliant driving concept. Don't ask me what the fuck they were. I was too busy holding back the vomit after each one of his lameass jokes. I am excellent at reading people, and I could read this fruitcake like a second-rate blog. He appears to be a standup comic wannabe, and he's using this class to hone his material. He's probably hoping to be the next Rip Taylor.

9:40am - Aaron the homersexual traffic school instructor begins popping Altoids in his mouth in regular 20 minute intervals. At least I think they were Altoids. They were in an Altoids tin.

10:20am - My hippie neighbor decides it's time for breakfast. He reaches into his coat pocket and produces a can of Dr. Pepper and a bag of vending machine donuts. Delightful.

10:45am
- Break time. I stand in the hallway and contemplate suicide. A heavy set coon approaches me and screams, "I KNOW YOU!" I am bewildered. "I'm sure you do not," I reply. "YES YES I DO! YOU USED TO WORK AT SO-AND-SO, REMEMBER?" Unfortunately, I did remember. So much for break time.

11:05am - We watch a dreadful video about seat belts starring an animated character named Giggles the Safety Hyena. I slit my wrists with a paper clip.

12:00pm - LUNCH. I am nearly rear-ended by a classmate while leaving the hotel parking lot.

1:15pm - I return from lunch to find my table mate smoking weed in his van.

1:30pm - Aaron the homersexual traffic school instructor begins spoon feeding us the answers to the upcoming test. "YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRITE THIS DOWN. YOU'LL PROBABLY SEE THIS AGAIN. PUT A STAR BESIDE THIS." I get it, I'm not fucking stupid. Besides, I think I can remember the shape of a yield sign.

2:30pm - Another video. This one is a sobering documentary from Dateline NBC about a woman whose daughter was killed by a distracted driver who was on his cell phone. I use this opportunity to send obsene text messages to RevRee.

3:45pm - Another break - 10 minutes, 15 guys, one urinal. You do the math.

4:30pm - We take the written test. (As an aside, I don't want to say orientals are bad drivers, but this is one time when it's probably NOT a good idea to cheat off a chink.)


4:55pm
- Test results are announced. I get a 95. (As God as my witness, I thought yield signs were round.)

5:00pm - Aaron the homersexual traffic school instructor thanks us and plugs his upcoming appearance at the Comedy Silo.

5:05pm - A group of us meet at the neighborhood watering hole, have a few drinks, and go street racing in front of the old folks' home. A good time was had by all.


So that's it! Let us rejoice, for I am a free man! Now if anyone needs me, I'm off to the video store. I hear Giggles has his own series of adult films.

15 comments:

Gucci Muse said...

Homos, Coons, Chinks and even a hyena named Giggles... When will the fun ever stop?

At least now, you have a completely clean driving record to boast about to Miracle Ass-a very attractive thing in any man.

It's Me, Maven... said...

See, I always thought a homersexual was someone who masturbates while having a Homer Simpson "Happy Meal" doll jammed up one's sphinc.

I learn something new every day....

Dorannes@gmail.com said...

What the hell is a homersexual? I don't get it.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Apparently I don't get the difference between 'name' and 'email' either. WTF?

I'm gonna go take some more Sudafed. It does wonders for my mentality.

tfg said...

So, you're saying that your teacher likes to do the wild thing with The Iliad?

Scary Monster said...

Me not surprised you missed the yield sign question "yield," not being in yer active vocabulary.

So how did you make back to the classroom in time during the piss break? Did you use the sink?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gucci - Who said I have a "clean" driving record??

Maven - I try to educate my fans with every post I write.

Stacy - Have you been living under a rock??! A homersexual is a fruitcake - you know, like Tim Cruise, Richard Sammons, Helen Degenerate, etc.

TFG - Actually, I think he's more of an Odessy man.

Monster - Nope. Fortunately there was a water fountain in the hallway.

Beth said...

I think I am kinda proud of you dyckerson...in a warped kind of way.

did you go the homo's "comedy" act? you know you did.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - I did, but he had a meltdown and started calling everybody straight.

Hanmee said...

You're wrong about not cheating off Asians. After all, it was a WRITTEN exam, was it not?

Crunchy BC said...

You sure it wasn't your instructor who almost rear-ended you?

puerileuwaite said...

Actually, "Do Not Enter" signs are round. But whether it's prison or just "Happy Hour", it's too damned easy to make that mistake ...

Lux Lisbon said...

A reprobate through and through.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hanmee - I wasn't taking any chances. Most chinks I know can't even THINK about driving without having an accident.

BC - No way! I was wearing my chastity thong.

P - I hate "Do Not Enter" signs. They're an insult to my intelligence. Besides, I'll enter any road I damn well please.

Lux - I don't what that means, but I'll take it as a compliment.

Yeah Him said...

When I got my speeding in a school zone, I got out of it with about $150 or so in fines and I didn't have to meet the big gay AL of the traffic world. Gotta love the great state of PA.