3/21/2007

H.O.A. HOLES

Have any of you twatlickers ever lived in a neighborhood governed by a Home Owners' Association? Well I have, and are a gigantic pain in the ass. On the other hand, they can also be a source of great amusement.

For those of you who don't know, a Home Owners' Association (or HOA) is a group of crabby old bats with one foot in the grave and nothing but time on their hands. They enjoy such activities as bingo, red hat society conventions, earlybird specials, and operating a Nazi dictatorship. It is this dictatorship that is the basis for the HOA. Remember back in grade school when we elected class officers for student government? It was all just a popularity contest, and nobody really gave a shit because the officers didn't have any real power anyway. Well HOAs are exactly like that...only these people are FULL GROWN ADULTS. Their favorite activity: Imposing arbitrary, meaningless rules upon their neighbors. Like what color you can paint your house or how many cars you can keep in your driveway. They claim to do this for the benefit of everyone, but their only real concerns are collecting dues and protecting their own property values.

I love to fuck with these people, because their rules are virtually unenforceable. For example, the condo I used to live in had a small patio. The HOA there was very picky about what people could and couldn't have on them. They even had a patio patrol that combed the neighborhood every week looking for eyesores. Well one day I found myself a rusty old can of Kilz in my storage shed. I could have easily thrown it in the garbage, but I tossed it on my patio for the hell of it. Sure enough, two weeks later, I received a friendly letter in the mail reminding me to remove my rusty paint can. Well technically, I didn't have a rusty can of paint on my patio. I had a rusty can of Kilz on my patio. Kilz is not paint, it's primer. Naturally I had no idea what they were talking about, so I threw out the letter.

A couple of months later, I received another letter...this one more harshly worded. I had 30 days to remove the rusty paint can from my patio or they would hold a judicial hearing. Again, I had no idea what they were talking about. Kilz is not paint.

Another month goes by, and then a final letter with the date and time of the judicial hearing. Great, I thought. Maybe they'll have free refreshments! So I went to the meeting, and it was a bunch of douchebags sitting around a table. I could tell they were really pissed too. They wasted a ridiculous amount of time going through bureaucratic red tape - they took roll, verified people's addresses, passed out copies of the letters, blah blah blah. Finally got to the issue at hand.

"Dyckerson, do you plan on removing the paint can on your patio?" they asked.

"I don't have a paint can on my patio," I replied. Then the morons whipped out a photo.

"Oh, you mean the can of Kilz??!" I beamed. "Why didn't you say so?? Sure, I'll remove it!"

I then stood up, helped myself to a cracker, and left. That night, I tossed the paint can onto my neighbor's patio and replaced it with a dead 'coon. Yeah, I was being an asshole. BUT IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! Besides, I was proving a point. Dyckerson is a reasonable man - if someone had just PICKED UP A FUCKING PHONE AND CALLED ME, we could have straightened out the whole thing without all the hassle.

Anyway, that's all ancient history now. Last summer, I moved into a townhouse. Again, another HOA to deal with. Recently they held their annual public meeting. No one ever shows up to these things unless they have a complaint, so they usually turn into great pissing matches. I figured this had to be good for a blog post or two, so I decided to check it out. The affair took place in the community clubhouse, and it was attended by a total of ten people - seven residents and three officers. There was Gladys the Secretary (she knows shorthand), Inez the Treasurer (she owns a calculator), and Gertrude the President (she watches a lot of C-SPAN).

The majority of the time was spent going over the annual budget and other assorted nonsense. Toward the end, they opened the floor to questions. One couple complained about the lack of visitor parking for their dipshit friends. Someone else didn't like the banner hanging from her neighbor's front window. Blah blah blah blah blah. Finally, it was my turn to inject a little mayhem. I raised my hand.

Gertrude: "The floor would like to recognize Mr. Dyckerson."
Dyckerson: "Thank you. Sculpture is my passion, and I was wondering if it would be permissible for me to display one of my works in my front yard. It would really mean a lot to me."
Gertrude: "Well I don't know. What is it?"
Dyckerson: "Oh, it's a lovely birdbath."
Gertrude: "That sounds nice. I don't think there will be a problem."
Dyckerson: "Great! I'll finish up the penis tonight and place it in my yard first thing tomorrow morning!"
Gertrude: "Wha...?!"
Dyckerson: "The penis. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to mention that the birdbath is actually a giant marble penis. Water squirts out of its eye and into a bowl. It's quite magnificent!"

That didn't exactly win me any fans with the HOA. But no worries. Those old bats aren't getting any younger, and I predict they'll soon start dropping like flies. Then I shall take over the HOA and begin my own reign of terror! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

23 comments:

Legaleagle said...

Don't forget to consult the arborist before planting a shrubbery next to your giant sculpted penis, lest you incur the wrath of the HOA sluts. (Seriously, though, we've done mediations between homeowners and HOAs arguing over the color of a roof -- Mexicali Red versus Roman Red)

Gucci Muse said...

HELL NO! I will never live in one of those Nazi, Bolshevik like HOAs-or as I chuckled as legaleagle called those HO's-SLUTS!

Dyck hit it on the head, but I don't know where you live, but those MF's can take you to court to enforce their assinine rules.

I know some people who are at the mercy of some middle aged and decrepid people who are on such a board ( and some of them don't even live in the community either!) and they were sick of getting taken to court, so they banded together and took the board to a higher court and know what? They are still fighting after like over 5 years or something-and the Board is using the dues money to fund the fight- so its a catch 22-

Carry on Mighty Dyck and give 'em HELL!

Love the post, keep us updated on those LOSERS.

Hanmee said...

HOAs can be very annoying. They do have a bunch of rules where we live (just about every place in this region has them now), but they are reasonable for the most part.

We were putting in an application to change our backyard (which I thought was silly given that it was fenced in) so we were scanning through the dos/don'ts on the list of what requires an application. Apparently EVERYTHING has an application. And we discovered that we were in violation of 1 or 2 of the items and we didn't even know it (thanks to aforementioned fence - and I guess our neighbors didn't care or didn't know).

However, not all HOAs are evil. My mom lives in a slightly older neighborhood than I do and they have a very loose HOA. They actually did hassle my mom once about some siding stacked on the side of the house (my uncles all do siding so it was sorta stockpiled there). A hassle and very condescending because they first complimented her on the "wonderful" changes to the house - the place had been repainted and re-sided so it looked a lot better than it had when my mom had bought it.

However, these same idiots didn't see fit to reign in her neighbor. Those neighbors had just bought the house and started building a huge ugly fence around the yard. I can't describe just how ugly and tacky this fence is (and it's a horrible attempt at ostentation that doesn't match the house), but I can't even look out her back windows at that thing. Where's the HOA now?

On second thought, you're right. They are all bad. In this case, it's because they aren't doing their job!

Legaleagle said...

But, Hanmee, the thing about HOAs is that it's YOUR property! You shouldn't have to ask permission to do anything on land that you OWN!

~ Stacy ~ said...

Penises have eyes?

andy said...

Whoo.

That comment from Stacy was more like it. I'm not used to this thought out bullshit from your other friends, here, md. I was working on something involving the two definitions to 'coon, but now that seems farly too unpoignant.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I am living through my own personal hell with my condo's HOA. I was "spoken to" about having my colorful ethnic blouses hanging from the hooks my flower pots normally are suspended from, last summer, to dry.

Oh shit, you could have counted the seconds until there was a knock at the door by one of the assmunches on the condo board, who had the temerity to attempt to enter my condo to "assist me" taking down my offending blouses, which were up I shit you not, less than a half our on a spectacularly sunny, hot and breezy day, perfect for line drying things.

YET, the same bucktoothed, gaping mawed douche drinker refused to do ANYTHING for two years' worth of COUNTLESS complaints (from myself and other condo owners in my building) regarding one of our neighbor's dogs who would bark their nuts off, day in and day out. It also bodes saying, that the buck toothed douche drinker is also a dog owner, who against the condo by-laws, leaves her dog off leash.

There's no accounting for douchebags. NONE.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Eagle - Oh come on. What's a giant penis without a bush?

Gucci - Good for them for fighting. Hopefully they'll tie up the case in court long enough for the hags to die of old age.

Hanmee - Problem is, HOA rules are too fucking subjective. Who's to say what is ugly and what isn't? Too much power in the hands of people who are totally unqualified to have it.

Stacy - They sure do! Mine even spits!

Andy - You know this has always been an intellectual blog. Dyckerson seeks to entertain as well as educate. For example, tune in next week for my diarrhea post!

Maven - Such hatred and anger! I am really turned on right now! When do I get to see you modeling one of those colorful ethnic blouses??

Beth said...

Hey, can I put batteries in that thing? Is it safe to use in the bathtub?

tfg said...

Time to start the pink flamingo collection.

cathy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
andy said...

Praise Sanjaya, I'm glad we got those last 3 comments. I was really starting to get afraid. It was like when you get really drunk and fall asleep with C-Span on because you thought it was the skin channel and then you unwillingly spend a nite with Nancy Grace.

Looking forward to the diarrhea talk.

Scary Monster said...

Have fun with the HOAS at home.
Me be off to deal with HOAS in Hawaii. Hope they teach me how to hula.

Stompya later, Dyke.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Mmmm... intriguing, I suppose. As long as it doesn't sputter.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - Yes, but batteries are not included.

TFG - What do you mean start??

Andy - Sanjaya????

Monster - Give my best to Don Ho.

Stacy - It doesn't sputter if you choke it.

jmeped said...

I got in trouble once for hanging my delicates out on my patio to dry. It took like ten minutes to get hate mail. Like the statue. Can you aim it to shoot at the passers by?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

JMEPED!!!!!! Where have you been, my adorable little lesbian??!

If I was your neighbor, you would've gotten a marriage proposal.

Diesel said...

This is why I live on a 10 acre parcel. I have bonfires and nobody complains.

Dyckerson and friends, you're invited to participate in my caption contest!

Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh Dyckerson, that's like a douche and dildo combined! Can you make me one?

Yeah Him said...

I'm so glad I don't have a homeowners association here at the apartment that I live in. Then again, many of the people here wouldn't be able to afford it. I would protest just to be a dick, but alas...

It's the little things in life.
Keep up the revolt.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Diesel - Must take you a week to cut all that grass. No thanks.

Manola - I already have one for you, babe. It's called my TONGUE!!!

Him - Apartments are worse. At least I can paint my damn walls.

karla said...

If my blog is an eyesore, yours is an anus-sore. Actually, it's an eyesore too, with those fucking flashing lights, and particularly when compared with my tasteful, lovely blog theme, which is soothing to the eye, soothing to the soul.

And I don't believe for a moment that you were allowed to move into any place that had a HOA. Or any place that had a landlord, frankly. I picture you living out of a broken-down van, using the library computer to write your tedious little blog posts and surf for porn.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - I am so turned on right now!!

HOA's aren't a problem. It's the school zones I have to worry about - I'm not allowed to live within 2500 feet of any of them.