3/14/2007

Fuck Exercise

I finally made it to the fitness center the other night! You would have been so proud of me. I had my water bottle, my DyckPod loaded with Don Henley's Greatest Hits, and my skintight spandex - everything a man needs for a refreshing workout. I got there around 8:30pm, signed the register, and headed for the exercise room.

This whole "exercise" concept was new to me, so I took a moment to soak it all in. Let me tell you, it was quite overwhelming. Scanning the room, there was nothing but twisted metal as far as the eye could see - menacing machines that looked like leftover torture devices from the Spanish Inquisition. And the room seemed to go on forever and ever. That is, until I realized one of the walls was covered in full-length mirrors. (Ha! They really had me going there for a minute!) Some of the objects in the room looked vaguely familiar to me - like the door and the wall mounted TV, for example. But everything else was a complete mystery. Where to begin??!

I was already beginning to perspire, so the first order of business was to find a towel. As luck would have it, right there near the men's locker room exit was a large plastic bin filled with balled-up towels. Some were even pre-moistened, which was nice. They came in a wide variety of colors - like tan, brown, yellowish-tan, tannish-brown, and brownish-yellow. One even had red specks in it. Very colorful! I grabbed a brown towel and threw it over my shoulder.

At that point, I was exhausted, so I decided to head over to the juice bar and get myself a smoothie. I placed my order...and can you believe it, they wanted me to PAY for it??!?! I was shocked!! I looked at the cashier and told the bitch I was a MEMBER there - I thought drinks were complimentary! She just laughed in my face and told me to fuck off. Well so much for the juice bar.

By this time, I was getting my second wind, so I went back to the exercise room. The joint was empty except for some fat lady off in the corner riding on some contraption that looked like a bicycle but didn't go anywhere. This was quite a sight. She had a cell phone in one hand, a milkshake in the other, and a newspaper draped over the handlebars of the bike. And every 10 seconds or so, she would press one of the pedals with her feet. I was tired just watching her.

I spent a good deal of time examining each piece of equipment and trying to figure out what the hell they were. As an educational service to my loyal readers, I'd like to go over each item in case any of you are unfortunate enough to encounter them.

This first one I like to call The Conveyer Belt to Hell. You simply step onto a long platform and walk across it. At first, I found this exercise to be quite easy - all I had to do was take three steps to get across the thing. Then I realized it wasn't turned on yet. Silly me! I hit the power button and was prompted to enter a bunch of numbers into a keypad. I think I just pressed "9" for everything. I heard a motor kick in, and all of the sudden I was moving.....BACKWARDS!! WHAT IN THE FUCK??!! I slid all the way off the back end of the thing and fell flat on my ass!! I tell you, that machine really gives your glutes a workout. Five or six reps and I was feeling the burn!

Here's one I call Instant Hernia. You sit your ass on the padded stool between the two metal handlebars and attempt to raise them over your head. The first time I tried this, I thought my pancreas was going to shoot out of my rectum and splat on the mirror across the room. That fucker wouldn't budge!! Not to be defeated, I dismounted the apparatus and inspected its inner workings. Viola! Attached to the side of the unit was a tall stack of heavy black domino-looking things. Each one had a number on the side - 10, 20, 30, and so on. I wasn't sure what these were for, but some dipshit had stuck a rod between the 50 and 60. I figured this was jamming the machine, so I yanked it out and tossed it to the floor. I tried it again, and sure enough, those handlebars went up and down with ease! I was able to do at least nine or ten reps before passing out.

After regaining consciousness, I moved on to something I call Death's Cold Embrace. This one involves another padded seat plus two armlike things that swing down and crush you on both sides. The object is to resist the pressure of the mechanical arms by pushing against them with your own arms. It's a battle of futility, for no matter how hard you press, the mechanical arms always press harder. Your only escape is to let your body go limp and slide out of the chair onto the floor.

Next up is something I call The Human Pretzel. This one is a mysterious system of padded levers and rollers around which you must somehow contort your body. I spent a good ten minutes figuring out how to mount this beast before finally giving up. At one point, my ass was six feet in the air with my left arm and right leg tied in a knot behind my head. Thank God I always travel with a supply of Vaseline - else I might never have gotten those knots loose!

My last stop was something I call The Bed. This is a long padded bench with a pair of green pillows at one end. It wasn't very comfortable, but I was able to take a short nap by placing my brown towel over my eyes to block out the light.



Unfortunately, my nap was interrupted by the fat lady. I awakened to the sound of her gasping for breath, and when I looked around, I spotted her laying on the floor. Her face was red and she was clenching her chest. Apparently she was doing some sort of weird aerobic exercise. By this time it was getting late, so I grabbed my gear, stepped over the fat lady's flailing body, and headed home.

Oh yeah, and I stole the brown towel. I call it payback for not getting my smoothie. Take that, bitch!!!

26 comments:

~ Stacy ~ said...

So. Are you going back tomorrow?

I'll give you a lift.

[heh-heh]

the dude said...

As an avid gym rat the way you described everything is hilarious. Wait until you find the machine in the room they call "The Gouger".

Hanmee said...

Please to be explaining this "gouger"?

skintight spandex on a man certainly paints a picture...a horrible horrible picture.

andy said...

In the past, if you had mentioned "Don Henley" and "groin pull" in the same arena, I would never have guessed you meant anything about working out.

tfg said...

The brown towels are chocolate flavored. Trust me.

Scary Monster said...

Spandex clown suits Hmmmm. Nope.

Be the Mighty Dykerson getting ready for an encounter with the miracle ass or with he boss' bros. big ol ass? Either way it work out you'll be needing that towel

STOMP

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - Going back? You mean I'm supposed to go more than once??!

Dude - Hmm...is "The Gouger" anywhere near the snack machine?

Hanmee - With a body like mine, it would be a crime not to wear spandex.

Andy - Actually, "The Groin Pulls" was the name of Henley's band in high school.

TFG - I wouldn't trust you with a stolen dick.

Monster - An ass is an ass. Either way, it will be a close encounter of the turd kind! Get it??

Gucci Muse said...

Spandex...eh?

I hope it was electric blue and super shiny-a hot outfit for your first date with Miracle ASS because she will then be blogging about your Miracle PACKAGE-if she could even pry it loose from all that skin tight spandex....

RevRee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RevRee said...

You really should try yoga. You'd get to see a lot of sweet ass' in class. I mean, I'm not in to chicks, but god, those yoga pants make our ass' look amazing!

Mr. Fabulous said...

But did you feel the burn?

Hey, why don't I have one of those Mighty Blog Network buttons, damn it?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gucci - I wore out the electric blue spandex. This outfit is bright red with yellow stripes.

RevRee - Yoga.....is that like karate?

Mr. Fab - Yeah, I feel the burn. It's in my crotch. And it came from a night of unprotected lovemaking with Ms. Babble.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Instant Hernia is aka Boob Crusher.

Scary Monster said...

Me click on link to Don Henley and figure the gig is up for the Dykeman.

We see him without the accoutrements of his blogger persona doing what comes naturally to many evil clowns.

Yeah Him said...

What no Chuck Norris home gym?

Beth said...

I can't get past the brown towel over your face.....eewwwww

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - Yours appear to have bounced back nicely. ;)

Monster - STOMP

YH - No, but I do have the Suzanne Somers Thighmaster.

Beth - Don't be a baby.

Diesel said...

The cool thing about those towels is that if you wear one around your neck all the time, people will know how tough you are and they won't mess with you.

Anonymous said...

Mighty you're not funny and rarely witty, but you really do come across as an always negative, judgmental, better-than-thou asshole. I won't be returning....

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I could go for a smoothie and a nap.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Diesel - I tried that. I ended uup with a horrible rash.

Anonymous - And I won't be missing you. But thanks for playing!

Dr. K - Nap first, smoothie second. You'll thank me later.

karla said...

I don't buy it. No way did they let you into a gym where you'd be free to mix with the human clientele. I think you're making this up based on what you've seen on TV about gyms.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Re: The title to this particular entry...

I always thought fucking WAS exercise... assuming it's done correctly.

This comment is brought to you by the word verification: mypzus

Hanmee said...

Isn't it exercise whether it's done correctly or not?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - Think what you want. Next time I'm coming to your gym and sweating all over your maternity moo moo.

Maven - This is true. I get quite a workout chasing my victims.

Hanmee - I consider it exercise even if I just think about it.

karla said...

It's "mumu," MightySmall Dickperson, not moo moo.