3/06/2007

This Dyck is Gettin' Pumped!

The other day I had an epiphany. Luckily my houseboy Pepe was there to clean it up. But after my epiphany, I had myself a brilliant idea. "Dyckerson," I said to myself, "You need to get in shape. How can you expect to obtain the Miracle Ass when your very own ass is anything less than miraculous??"

So I decided to join a gym. "Fitness club," actually. I've never actually belonged to a gym or "fitness club." I mean, when you have a body like mine, why mess with a good thing? Nevertheless, I decided it was time to take action.

My first stop was the YMCA. (Actually, that was my second stop. My REAL first stop was the YWCA - big mistake.) They gave me a quick tour of the joint. The whole place smelled like a dirty sock soaking in a bowl filled with human sweat. And the workout room was FULL of dipshits - almost every piece of equipment was in use. "This is our busy time of year," they explained. "It helps if you come during off-peak hours." Fuck that. I'm not getting up at 3am to do squat thrusts next to a hairy old man with a thyroid problem. Plus, those bastards wanted something like FIFTY BUCKS A MONTH for membership and a ONE YEAR COMMITMENT. A Dyckerson doesn't commit to anything. Just ask the hundreds of women I've left at the altar.

My next stop was a place called Gold's Gym. Again, a quick tour. The whole place smelled like TEN dirty socks soaking in a BATHTUB filled with human sweat. Then I got the hard sell from some ugly chick wearing spandex. "Today is your lucky day, because if you sign up RIGHT THIS SECOND, we'll waive your registration fee and first month's membership!! But you have to do it NOW NOW NOW!!" Bullshit. A Dyckerson doesn't HAVE to do anything. "Where are the hot chicks?" I asked. That shut her up in a hurry.

My final stop wasn't actually a gym at all. It is mainly a racquetball and tennis club, but they happen to have a room with exercise equipment. This whole place smelled like someone took a dirty sock bomb, soaked it in a pool filled with sweat, and dropped it on a country made entirely out of more dirty socks...then it rained human sweat for seven days straight. But it's close to my house, there's no long-term commitment, and best of all, hardly anyone goes there! So I signed on the dotted line, gave them TFG's credit card number, and went about my business.

I suppose I should go back to the club and work out, but writing this post has really knocked the wind out of me. I think I'll hit the jacuzzi and make myself a protein shake. I just hope the Miracle Ass appreciates the sacrifices I'm making for her.

22 comments:

Beth said...

I'm sure when she rips off your shirt and sees those rippling muscles...it will all have been worth it. You do have muscles, right? Ooh, I know you're gonna say something nasty to that one!

karla said...

I'm so glad you've decided to get in shape. Your readers probably have no idea how close to 4300 lbs you are, or how vile a sweaty, fat man like you smells even when you're just sitting on the couch eating still-frozen pizzas right out of the box. You've got a long, long road ahead of you if you hope to whittle your ass down to under 200 lbs, but there's no time like the present to start. Just don't break any of the exercise equipment as you lumber onto it.

Gucci Muse said...

I am with you! the YMCA is pretty gross no matter where you go. There is this putrid, disgusting and lingering humidity everywhere.

So, I can't help to to think every time I read "Miracle Ass", I think of Miracle EAR-

I hope you have your terry cloth sweatbands for your forehead and wrists ready to go; don't forget to work on your knockneed approach to either ball in either game, OK?

Good thing your lack of commitment leading you to your new gym is not reflective of your largesse commitment, albeit if only in your longing from afar, to Miracle Ass.

Here's to putting some ASS in your Shake, but also in your Jacuzzi.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - Do I have muscles?? Let's see. I have a tongue, a heart, and a sphinctor. That's three right there.

Ms. Babble - I'll have you know I'm heating the pizzas now. I just wedge them into one of the folds of skin hanging below my waist. And I could bench press a toothpick like yourself with one arm tied behind my back.

Gucci - Yep, got the sweatbands. I also picked up a pair of extra short shorts at a yard sale last weekend. They're a bit snug, but they'll stretch.

Gucci Muse said...

I HOPE they have the obligatory white wide band piping all around, not including the gathered elastic waist.

Don't worry if you don't. I am sure Napoleon Dynamite or Jimmy DI NO MITE Walker can lend you a pair.

tfg said...

The Love Muscle is the one that you need to work on excercising.

puerileuwaite said...

Going to foul-smelling place full of men, in order to get busy with a woman. And it's not even a bar. That is most illogical, Captain.

ajooja said...

My gym smells like old people.

Diesel said...

I'd recommend meeting the M.A. immediately after working out at the gym, so you'll have the feet musk scent on you and she'll know how much she means to you. Maybe you could bottle the stuff.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Gucci - I take it you own a pair as well.

TFG - I thought that was a bone.

P - Shit. I knew I should've signed up with Victory Lady.

Ajooja - It's probably all that Ben Gay in the locker room.

Diesel - Hmm...my own brand of fragrance! I shall call it "Simply Dyck"...

tfg said...

I'm sure it's a muscle. In high school, my biology teacher asked the class, "What is the largest muscle in the human body?" I responded with, "The Loooooove Muscle" and got suspended for a day. True story.

Gucci Muse said...

Alas, I don't own any, but the thought of you in a pair, mmm, now that would be some ASS.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I opt to play on a shit-load of sports leagues, because I hate gyms. However, I like the sound of the dirty sock gym . . .

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - I hope you made good use of that day off from school...like masturbating.

Gucci - You are a sick individual.

Dr. K - What are these "sports" you speak of? The Miracle Ass likes sports too. I need to find out what they are.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Is "protein shake" a euphemism for jerkin' the gerkin??

Pud said...

Gyms are scary places anymore. And they tend to stalk you! I almost signed up to a "fitness club" untill they wouldn't stop calling me. So I use the free gym at work. Here in Iraq....we have a kick ass gym.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - I was wondering if anyone would get that.

Pud - A gym in Iraq? What the hell do you do? Ride a stationary camel???

Gucci Muse said...

Why thank you Dyckerson-thank you for noticing. And BTW, would you mind nursing me back to your level of health?

the dude said...

I haven't read your blog lately because my life is going well, but I must say you don't need to get in shape to get the Miracle Ass. For you've had the talent the entire time...just be a complete jackass to her.

karla said...

Gross. I think TFG was offering to help you work out your love muscle. That guy is such a perv.

Mr. Fabulous said...

What is Pepe's green card status?

Scary Monster said...

What be gym is he be your friend?
Me had frind he be named Jim.
He no have sweat bands, but he be plenty sweaty.
He say love muscle only thing important on man and if it be toohpick, man be in trouble.
Me working on me Monster muscle. It be good and hard.
Me knocked down three buildings today, good feeling.
Go Dyck Go!