3/31/2007

Bid On THIS, Bitches!

Ladies and germs, I'm about to fulfill a lifelong dream. No, I'm not talking about two chicks at once. I fulfilled that dream the night I scored with Maven and Ms. Babble in the Wawa's mens room in Flagstaff.


On Friday, April 13th, 2007, I will board a Delta flight to Los Angeles, CA, to attend a taping of the Fabulous 60-Minute Price Is Right!!!! You heard me, Dyck lovers! I shall be making my debut on national television!* And what's more, I just learned that this will be no ordinary taping of The Price is Right. Nosiree Bob Barker! This will be a PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR, to be aired in PRIME TIME on the CBS TELEVISION NETWORK!

For those of you who don't know, The Price is Right is a TV game show in which contestants are selected out of the studio audience to play pricing games with an 80 year old pervert who carries a long microphone that resembles a penis. For example, you may be shown a bag of pork rinds. Bob will ask you how much the bag of pork rinds costs. You answer 79 cents. If you are correct, you win the bag of pork rinds! Then you proceed to the SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN, where you get to spin the SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT WHEEL for SERIOUS COIN! If you do well here, you advance to the final stage, where you bid on a showcase filled with FABULOUS PRIZES. On the daytime show, the top prize is usually a piece-of-shit Ford Focus. And it's always the base model, which means standard transmission, factory AM radio, and no brakes. But for the MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR, Bob and the boys kick it up a notch - they throw in CUP HOLDERS and AIR CONDITIONING!!!

A successful Price is Right experience requires weeks of careful planning and intensive study. First, I will need to obtain the price of every single product that's bought and sold in the U.S. Memorizing all those prices would be impossible, even for a man of advanced intellect like myself. That's why I intend to devise an elaborate crib sheet and smuggle it into the studio by stashing it in a body cavity. Fortunately, my ultra tight sphinctor will make this task a breeze!

Of course, my efforts will be wasted if I don't look and act the part of a TPIR contestant. Contestants are chosen right out of the audience, and the screeners want to see youth and enthusiasm. I already have the youth part taken care of, thanks to a few Botox injections and a microderm abrasion. I've also shaved my head and inserted a nose ring. It's actually a paper clip, but I doubt they'll say anything. After all, we're talking about California here. Now the enthusiasm part could be tricky, but with a little bit of work, I think I can fake it. I'm even thinking of hiring a personal tutor to teach me how to smile.


Next I have to decide what to wear. Some folks make personalized t-shirts with retarded little sayings - things like "I've been spayed and neutered" or "Plinko rules." The college dorks wear their fraternity sweatshirts - really creative. The military morons show up in their dress uniforms hoping to score points with the producers - fuck 'em. My taxes paid for that uniform, so get back to work and try not to embarass your country. I think I'll make myself a Mighty Blog t-shirt with my URL on the front. May as well get a little free advertising while I'm there, right?

Oh yeah, and I'm going to take my own microphone...only mine will be three inches longer than Bob's. That way, if Bob should keel over during the show, I'll be able to quickly step in and take over.


Stay tuned for further updates, plus details on how YOU can win a chance to have breakfast with Mighty Dyckerson during his 43-minute layover at the beautiful Cincinatti/Northern Kentucky International Airport!!!



* That's if you don't count my numerous appearances on COPS, America's Most Wanted, To Catch a Predator, Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Judge Judy, The View, and as the wacky neighbor on Alf.


26 comments:

tfg said...

I've got an extreme case of microphone envy.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Um... Dyckerson... I fell asleep there for a moment, and my lips and fingers now taste salty... um... should I be unsettled by this?

Oh... back on topic...

Please videotape your appearance and slap it up here for me to view:) I find your videos sexy... in an angry hot kinda way:)

RevRee said...

PLINKO!!!!!

Manola Blablablanik said...

OMG SPIN THE WHEEL NAKED!!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - I don't doubt it. You've got one of those little lapel mics, don't you?

Maven - Your wish is my command, my sweet sweet Serenity.

RevRee - This isn't the time or the place.

Manola - Good God, your avatar is hot!!!!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Dyckerson... whatever you do, don't bend down in front of The Barkster... ever notice how his microphone looks like one of those vibrating "gerbils" on a probey stick for anal play?

...

Um...



perhaps I've said too much...

Ellie's Mommie said...

Your adoring fans would be horrified to know you had a moment of kindness (telling my cuz when it was safe to return to your site.)

I thought I saw you on COPS the other day. You were that creepy guy in his tighty whities with a beer in one hand screaming at the neighbor lady for stealing your paint can off the front porch! Or was that just a coincidence?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - That explains a lot. Maybe the gerbil gave you those warts.

Mommie - Don't get the impression that I'm a nice guy. I'm just trying to get in R's pants.

Brit said...

Is this ur April Fools? You spelled Cincinnati wrong.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Nope! Sadly, walking on the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore, barefoot, is what gave them to me...

Ellie's Mommie said...

I figured that was the case. I was pretty sure you wouldn't be nice without an alterior motive.

~ Stacy ~ said...

You are going to 'fake' enthusiasm and actually 'smile'? Oh, I've got to see this! I'll set the DVD to record this momentous occasion.

Pud said...

Have fun on The Price is Right!

Beth said...

OMG!!!! I can't wait to see how big your ass looks on tv!!!!

the dude said...

Another way to get noticed is to have your boobs flop out of a tank top.

andy said...

I don't know what kind of penii you've been scoping MD, but Bob's mic is pretty skinny.

Also, you were pure comedy on "Alf."

It's Me, Maven... said...

Hey Dyckerson... how do you like your pork rinds? Out here, I can get a bag with cinnamon sugar on them... as long as you don't take a deep inhale the moment the bag is opened before you start eating them, you're okay.

Cinnamon, sugar, and fried pork skin! Dat's good eatin'...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Brit - I spelled Cincinatti correctly. Everybody else spells it wrong.

Stacy - Then set your DVD for May 16th at 8pm EDT, for that is the tentative airdate!

Pud - What's your actual retail price for a blowjob?

Beth - You won't see my ass. I'll be wearing one of those black dots they use to cover up naughty bits on TV.

Dude - Been done. I'm going to rig something else to flop out...

Andy - What I lack in girth, I make up for in length.

Maven - You continue to disgust me on a regular basis. Well done.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Breakfast with Mighty! Will that involve scrambled scroti? Yum!

Gucci Muse said...

Any particular reason you chose the Price is Right?

Seems like a show more of Grandpa Dyckerson's speed.

I would think if you were making the big trip out west, you would be visiting your old pal Hef and the ladies of Playboy for all the eye candy you can handle or trying to recreate your Pamela Anderson and Baywatch days.

Just be sure to not cause any undue stress on the geriatric crowd while visiting TPIR.

Don't wear any spandex pants trying to impress by showing off your package nice and brightly. Jumping up and down vying for attention would also put some of them women into a coma.

With all those show lights, it would really be over doing it, don't you think?

Yeah Him said...

Make sure you get yourself on video - your readers require it by popular demand!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Manola - Your wish is my command! (I want to make sweet love to your avatar right now...)

Gucci - How dare you! TPIR has its share of senior viewers, but it's hugely popular with the college crowd. I'm hoping to score with a UCLA coed while waiting in line.

Him - We'll see what we can do.

Sornie said...

Mmmmm, pork rinds

karla said...

I do remember seeing you in the men's room in Flagstaff, but all I recall happening is you asking to borrow a tampon.

Fightin' Mad Mary said...

Here's a tip - first of all, the restrooms in the parking garage at "the grove" next door are some of the nicest in town. They are hidden at the bottom of the escalators.

While you are at the parking garage, go to about the 3 floor and look out toward the CBS studios right next door - you should see about 12 brand new cars and maybe even a boat or two, I'm pretty sure that they are prizes on the PIR. Bring your binoculars and look up the avg price of each one if you want an edge on everybody else.

Good luck!

(Beth sent me here - you are funny!)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - Now that's ridiculous. Like you actually use tampons.

Mary - Thanks for the tip. I'm always on the lookout for a high-quality crapper!