3/03/2007

Ass Update!!!

Yesterday, I spent a solid 12 hours in close proximity to the Miracle Ass. We were part the crew taping a college basketball tournament in downtown Dyckersonville. This was a multi-camera affair, and she and I were assigned to the control room for most of the day. I have many, many observations to report, so let's cut the crap and get down to business.

First off, she looked and smelled WONDERFUL...but the Miracle Ass wasn't quite how I remembered it. I think it had to do with the jeans she was wearing. They just didn't compliment her gorgeous cheeks as they should have. I did manage to grab a photo with my shitty cell phone camera, but the room was dark and the image is very grainy. Lucky for you, I have taken the liberty of labelling the key elements for your viewing convenience:


In this photo, the Miracle Ass is seated. She's wearing a black sleeveless top, jeans, and some sort of shiny belt to hold them up. And if you look very, very closely, you see a small white sliver where her blouse ends and her jeans begin. This, my friends, is EXPOSED SKIN!! Although not detectible in the photo, I assure you there was a visible indention in this area that indicated the beginning of the COIN SLOT!!! Christ, I would have given my left nut to stick my hand down in there for a quick grope, and then yank it out and sniff my fingers. But alas, it wasn't meant to be.

I spent a good part of my day training the Miracle Ass. We chatted a bit when time permitted - turns out she is heavy into sports. (Strike one. I hate all sports.) Especially NASCAR. (Strike two. I really, really hate NASCAR.) Of course, I didn't tell her that. I just smiled and nodded politely while she yammered away about pit stops and such. But to her credit, she isn't one of them tank top wearing, Dale Earnhardt worshipping morons...and she does appear to have most of her teeth.

The Miracle Ass is very touchy-feely, but in a non-flirtatious kind of way. I say non-flirtatious, but in all truth, any time a chick touches me, I interpret this as an invitation for me to toss her up against the nearest vertical surface and poon her with all of my might. One example of her touchy-feeliness: At some point I performed a camera transition that impressed her greatly...she responded with a "nice job" and a pat on the knee. At another point, she complained that her hands were cold...then proceeded to prove it to me by pressing her hand against my neck. Again, totally innocent gestures. But at this point I was ready to suck the ((the remainder of this paragraph has been censored by Blogger))

I know what you're thinking: "Dyckerson, she totally wants you!!" Well of course she does. After all, I am Dyckerson. But she acted that way with all the male members of the crew. In fact, she was very much like "one of the guys." (Strike three. I'm not into chicks that act like dykes, even if they aren't dykes. And she isn't a dyke...I don't think.)

At one point, I let the Miracle Ass take over and get some "hands on" exerience. Turns out she is actually a good director. She took to that switcher like a water off a pig's ear. (Strike four. I don't like chicks who are as talented as I am. I see them as a threat to my job and to all of mankind.)

The Miracle Ass is quite a bit younger than I am - I'd say a good ten years younger. No older than 25. (Cancel all four strikes.) However, I don't see much in common. Don't get me wrong, I could tap the Miracle Ass all night long and still not get enough. But I don't think I could hold a conversation with her for more than two minutes if it wasn't work related. She's all about partying and drinking and sports and bars and drinking at parties in sports bars. I'm all about taking naps and trying to lower my LDL.

So here's my dilemma. The basketball season is now over for our purposes, so I probably won't have another opportunity to see the Miracle Ass for quite some time. I didn't have a chance to acquire her digits, but I could easily get them from the producer if I really wanted to. Or I could drop by the bar where she works part-time and surprise her with a Richard Petty poster. Both would require more time and effort than I feel is warranted. Besides, as grandpa once told me, "You're a DYCKERSON! Bitches come to YOU!!!"

I'll put it to a vote. Should I attempt to seduce the Miracle Ass, or should I let her go like a fart in the wind? Post your comments and suggestions, and hurry the hell up - I'm not getting any younger. Besides, I think my Metamucil is starting to kick in.....

23 comments:

Gucci Muse said...

Hey, look at it this way- pop some scratch in her coin slot and see how she goes....

For all the protesting thou doest do, your lengthy rant is a lovely ode to your primal ape like attraction to her.

If the scratch don't work, use your banana or maybe show her your hams!

tfg said...

Jesus Christ, you need help.

Luck o' the Irish said...

Depends if her coin slot is for pennies only or belongs in the "high limit" gaming room.

You know, 9 out of 10 doctors say tappin' a good ass is key in lowering your LDL.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Muse - I tried inserting the scratch, but her coin slot only accepts tokens, and I couldn't find a machine.

TFG - Jesus Christ may need help, but I'm doing just fine, thank you!

Irish - What does the tenth doctor say??

RevRee said...

If you don't go ask her out, I'm callin you a coward!

puerileuwaite said...

Loves NASCAR? Check.
Dresses likes she loves NASCAR? Check.
Tends bar? Check.
Young enough to not know better? Check.
All of the above? Priceless.

All signs point to impaired judgement and a a seat in Clown School. She will learn to hate the circus, but for now, it's "Big Top Pee Wee" action.

Besides, despite the graininess and poor lighting, I suspect she IS hotter than the dude who installed your new water heater (even though he apparently deserved more camera time).

Scary Monster said...

Go to the bar,bring her the poster. Stiff her on the drink, but charm the hell out of her with your fabulous Dyckerson rhetoric and tell her you'll make it up to her with dinner
Take her out.
Toss a burger down her throat then take her back to a motel and let her peel your banana.

Don't forget to video the whole thing and post it on PornTube.

Make yer grampa proud!
STOMP!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Rev - I don't care what you call me. I can lick my own genitals.

P - She is indeed hotter than the plumber. But the plumber does better bird calls.

Monster - Good idea! Who should pay for the motel room?

Little Lamb said...

go for it! But please watch your language.

Beth said...

SEDUCE THE MIRACLE ASS!!!!! God, what great stuff you could write about it! go on, lets see how big your balls REALLY are......

Diesel said...

I think you've got a nice Dave & Maddie/Mulder & Scully thing going with Miracle Ass. Don't spoil it.

Scary Monster said...

If you can "tap that ass" like you say you can, then she'll be passed out cold. You can just light out, leaving a note written on a banana peel
STOMP!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

So be it! I shall seduce the Miracle Ass!!!!!!

Luck o' the Irish said...

Oh, and perhaps you can use the Miracle Whip.

Anonymous said...

When are you going to move out of the basement? Just curious, son.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Irish - You mean I should Miracle Whip the Miracle Ass??! Wow, you just blew my mind!!!

Anonymous Loser - When are you going to stop obsessing over me and get a fucking life? Just curious, dipshit.

tfg said...

You're not trying to marry her here, just get a float in the Parade of Schlongs that passes through her life.

Go to her bar and get her phone number. If she turns you down, it's her loss. And forget the gift, that's kind of gay.

Manola Blablablanik said...

Yeah, the gift is gay. Maybe a jar of Miracle Whip would be better. I say go to the bar and report back. Pronto.

~ stacy ~ said...

The 'gift' is not 'gay'. Well, maybe that particular gift is... but the thought is quite sweet.

Go visit her at the bar while she's working, offer to buy her a drink, chat her up about (media) business (being sure to tell her that you would be happy to show her how to perform amazing camera transitions like the one you did today) and then slip her your...

number.

If she doesn't call within a week or two... she just wasn't in to you.

Go get 'er, Hot Stuff!

Lux Lisbon said...

I'm sorry MD. There is no point in trying to seduce me. I have standards.

ajooja said...

Remember, you're talking about Miracle Ass. You're not talking about some regular, garden variety ass. You're talking MIRACLE ASS!!!

Do whatever is necessary. Seriously.

Mighty said...

*****UPDATE: Today I obtained the email address and phone number of the Miracle Ass!!!!!

I just sent her an email offering her a freelance gig (wink wink) and told her to call me if she's interested (wink wink wink). We'll see if she takes the bait...

ajooja said...

Woo hoo!!!