Ladies and germs, I'm about to fulfill a lifelong dream. No, I'm not talking about two chicks at once. I fulfilled that dream the night I scored with Maven and Ms. Babble in the Wawa's mens room in Flagstaff.
On Friday, April 13th, 2007, I will board a Delta flight to Los Angeles, CA, to attend a taping of the Fabulous 60-Minute Price Is Right!!!! You heard me, Dyck lovers! I shall be making my debut on national television!* And what's more, I just learned that this will be no ordinary taping of The Price is Right. Nosiree Bob Barker! This will be a PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR, to be aired in PRIME TIME on the CBS TELEVISION NETWORK!
For those of you who don't know, The Price is Right is a TV game show in which contestants are selected out of the studio audience to play pricing games with an 80 year old pervert who carries a long microphone that resembles a penis. For example, you may be shown a bag of pork rinds. Bob will ask you how much the bag of pork rinds costs. You answer 79 cents. If you are correct, you win the bag of pork rinds! Then you proceed to the SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN, where you get to spin the SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT WHEEL for SERIOUS COIN! If you do well here, you advance to the final stage, where you bid on a showcase filled with FABULOUS PRIZES. On the daytime show, the top prize is usually a piece-of-shit Ford Focus. And it's always the base model, which means standard transmission, factory AM radio, and no brakes. But for the MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR, Bob and the boys kick it up a notch - they throw in CUP HOLDERS and AIR CONDITIONING!!!
A successful Price is Right experience requires weeks of careful planning and intensive study. First, I will need to obtain the price of every single product that's bought and sold in the U.S. Memorizing all those prices would be impossible, even for a man of advanced intellect like myself. That's why I intend to devise an elaborate crib sheet and smuggle it into the studio by stashing it in a body cavity. Fortunately, my ultra tight sphinctor will make this task a breeze!
Of course, my efforts will be wasted if I don't look and act the part of a TPIR contestant. Contestants are chosen right out of the audience, and the screeners want to see youth and enthusiasm. I already have the youth part taken care of, thanks to a few Botox injections and a microderm abrasion. I've also shaved my head and inserted a nose ring. It's actually a paper clip, but I doubt they'll say anything. After all, we're talking about California here. Now the enthusiasm part could be tricky, but with a little bit of work, I think I can fake it. I'm even thinking of hiring a personal tutor to teach me how to smile.
Next I have to decide what to wear. Some folks make personalized t-shirts with retarded little sayings - things like "I've been spayed and neutered" or "Plinko rules." The college dorks wear their fraternity sweatshirts - really creative. The military morons show up in their dress uniforms hoping to score points with the producers - fuck 'em. My taxes paid for that uniform, so get back to work and try not to embarass your country. I think I'll make myself a Mighty Blog t-shirt with my URL on the front. May as well get a little free advertising while I'm there, right?
Oh yeah, and I'm going to take my own microphone...only mine will be three inches longer than Bob's. That way, if Bob should keel over during the show, I'll be able to quickly step in and take over.
Stay tuned for further updates, plus details on how YOU can win a chance to have breakfast with Mighty Dyckerson during his 43-minute layover at the beautiful Cincinatti/Northern Kentucky International Airport!!!
* That's if you don't count my numerous appearances on COPS, America's Most Wanted, To Catch a Predator, Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Judge Judy, The View, and as the wacky neighbor on Alf.