The Wedding Of The Century!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at the happiest man in the world...for tonight, I Mighty Dyckerson, have accepted Ms. Karla Q. Babble's hand in marriage!!!

You heard right, my friends. I'm just as surprised as you are. But when the lovely Ms. Babble got down on her knees in that Dairy Queen and popped the question, I just couldn't say no. Maybe it was the Chocolate Strawberry Blizzard talking...or maybe it was the Ecstasy I slipped in her Mr. Pibb. At any rate, it's official! The crazy babbler and I is shackin' up!!!

I know you all have millions of questions. Lucky for you, I have anticipated your queries and addressed them in the popular FAQ format. Read on:

Q: Aren't you both already married?
A: Technically yes. But Ms. Babble's marriage has been on the rocks for quite a while now, ever since her husband came out of the closet. The last straw was yesterday, when a paternity test on Maury revealed their son Joke's father to be Howard P. Stern of Toledo, Ohio. As for me, I have a common law internet wife named RevRee, but we have an open relationship. I am free to fornicate with whomever I choose, and she is free to watch.

Q: Doesn't Ms. Babble hate you?
A: On the surface, it would appear that way. Sure, she has referred to me as a pig, pedophile, psychopath, and degenerate. But if you read between the lines, she's really saying, "Dyckerson, you irresistable hunk of man meat! When I think of you, my legs turn to jelly and my heart goes pitter-pat. Sweep me off my feet and whisk me away in your arms!"

Q: When and where will the big event take place?
A: This weekend. My Uncle Lou has agreed to perform the ceremony aboard his luxurious cabin cruiser on Gulf of Mexico. Actually, it's one of those floating trash barges. But it's free, and as the captain, Uncle Lou does have the authority to marry us. It should be a great time. TFG has volunteered to dazzle us with Don Henley's greatest hits on his accordion, and Jmeped will be capturing all those special moments with her Polaroid.

Q: Why the quickie wedding? Does the bride have a bun in the oven?
A: How dare you think such a thing! I was taught never to.....oh fuck it. Yeah, I knocked her up real good!!

Q: When will invitations go out?
A: As soon they buy toner for the Xerox machine at my office. (A note to guests: Ms. Babble and I are registered at Big Lots...)

Q: Any plans for the honeymoon?
A: Don't tell the babbler, but I've already booked us a room at the fabulous Glancy Motor Lodge. Some of you may remember the Glancy - it was the site for the First Annual Mighty Dyckerson Fan Club Convention. And before you ask, I've been assured by the proprietor that the flea problem has been taken care of. I'll be taking along the camcorder, so look for the video on YouTube next week!

Q: Will this affect your blogs?
A: That's a tough call. We hope to continue to provide our readers with the top class posts they have come to expect. But we'll be pretty busy with our lovemaking, so it's hard to say for sure. We may hire ghost bloggers to write for us.

That's all for now. I've gotta go up in the attic and pull my powder blue tux out of mothballs. I haven't worn it since my third senior prom - I hope it still fits!!


It's Me, Maven... said...


karla said...

Can't we hire ghost lovemakers instead?

puerileuwaite said...

How disappointing. I expected better from you, O Evil One. But now I learn that you sold out your freedom to a Bridezilla.

WTF is up with that? A fancy boat and high-roller hotel? The Dykerson fortune will be gone before the honeymoon is over.

I suppose she even insisted on buying a dress of some sort from the thrift store instead of the usual hooker wear. Oh, and let me guess: she demanded some of that high-brow hootch with the twist-off caps, didn't she?

And what of her first* (* according to conjecture and hearsay ... actual mileage may be considerably higher) marriage to what's his name? Is she moving on, only because it is now an empty shell that is too barren and confining?

Get away from this Hermit Crab* (* hopefully this is the only reference to crabs that will be made) before it's too late!

Crunchy BC said...

News of this new child brings a poem to mind:

"And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy."

Well, not actually a poem, I guess. Congrats!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - Why not? I've already been haunting your dreams for years.

P - You're right, I could do much better. But she's willing to work full-time to support me, so I couldn't resist.

BC - What a beautiful passage. I think I'll have Uncle Lou read that at the wedding.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'm so happy for the two of you! You two, my friends, are going to get the finest toaster one can buy at Big Lots, and that's a promise.

Manola Blablablanik said...

I'm jealous!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. K - Make it a four slicer. The babbler can really put away the toast.

Manola - Of who???

Pud said...

Congrats and good luck! You are going to need it!

tfg said...

Jesus. They will have to use gloves to catch the boquet.

andy said...

Ne'er have I heard tell of a love so seemingly fake that were so absolutely enchanting.

Dare I ask the ever-so-important/why the fuck'd he bring that shit back out question of the happy couple?

1st Dance: "Boys of Summer" or "End of the Innocence"?

Beth said...

awww, dyckerson, I always knew you were a softie...you didn't fool me.

Big lots, huh? I'm right on that.


Willo Keays said...

Sooo ... when I stalk you ... is the little Mrs. going to get upset? If so I may need to get more creative in my stalking methods.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - They can borrow mine. I'll be using gloves to pleasure the bride on our wedding night.

Andy - Actually, it'll be "Dirty Laundry"...in honor of the piles of my soiled shorts the babbler will be washing every week.

Beth - Nothing "soft" here, if you know what I'm sayin'...

Willo - She doesn't mind stalking. How do you think we met??

Manola Blablablanik said...

I can't believe she gets to swap cyberspit with you!

andy said...

Ah yes, "Dirty Laundry". Well played, my friend.

You never cease to amaze me.

That's what she said.

DykesDog said...

That poor woman. Can she fit in the Clown car?!