2/17/2007

The Wedding Is Off

I know it seemed like a match made in Heaven, but someone else has stolen my heart. Her name is Bambi, and I met her at my bachelor party last night. When she jumped out of that giant cake and started gyrating her hips in my face, I just had to snatch her up.

We had a nice conversation while she was giving me a lap dance. Turns out she's an aspiring actress trying to pay her way through drama school. You really have to admire that. I told her all about my blog and offered her a role on my upcoming show on ABC, "Lust" - pending a lengthy audition process in my boudoir, of course.

So Ms. Babble, it's been special. But get your crap out of my closet and hit the road. And as for our unborn love child, you're in luck...because in addition to being captain of the world's sixth largest trash barge, Uncle Lou is also a part-time abortion doctor! I already took the liberty of setting an appointment for you. His clinic is on the bus route, so it's super convenient. Bring your own coathanger, and he'll knock a buck off the price...five bucks if you let him take pictures.

As for the rest of you, I know it is customary for the couple to return the gifts if the wedding is cancelled. But I've never been a big believer in customs, so I'm keeping all the shit. Especially the black velvet painting of crying Elvis. (Thanks Stacy!!) And the babbler can keep the tupperware set sent in by Mr. Fabulous (cheap bastard).

Oh yeah, anybody want to purchase a gently used powder blue tuxedo? There's a large semen stain in the crotch of the pants, but the jacket covers it up.


11 comments:

karla said...

Thank God. Untie me and give me back my car keys. I'll be reporting this kidnapping incident to the police. I'm no going to bother to report the rape, because once the investigating officers get a look at that tiny wee-wee of yours, they're not going to believe that thing could harm anyone.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jeez, that marriage was shorter than mine!

Is there a semen stain on the crying Elvis painting too?

~ Stacy ~ said...

You're welcome! (I always care enough to send the very best.) Um, I'm not certain that's not a tear, though. I've been sneezing and coughing and blowing snot out of my nose so much so lately, that there's no telling what form of secretion that is.

Yeah. Nevermind. It's a tear. Yup. That's what it is.

So anyway, congrats on the lengthy boudoir romp with your, uhhhh, giant cake girl. I wish you and Bambi all the best! May your lust continue to grow and bring you much foreplay always!

...Or something to that effect.

puerileuwaite said...

Such a shame. The three of you seemed so happy in the picture. Especially the banana.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Dang! Is Uncle Lou also an part-time IVF specialist? Because he can reconstitute the stain and use it to knock someone up. Knock five bucks off the price of insemination if they bring their own turkey baster...

I'm just sayin'...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - You're so jealous. Be nice, or I'll never give you the key to the handcuffs.

Mr. K - No, but there's a peanut butter & banana stain on the frame.

Stacy - Keep your germs away from The Mighty Blog.

P - Let's just say it's a good thing bananas can't talk.

Maven - I like the way you think. How'd you like to be my next wife??

Baron Ectar said...

I am so glad you saw the light! Trust me giving them a ring and all ends all joy in life.

It's Me, Maven... said...

:) I wouldn't mind it, the one proviso would be that you could provide me with a notarized statement declaring that you DO NOT do that silly dick slapping your navel or windmill-cock thing most guys do when they are naked (usually before or after a shower).

I'm so happy I could just queef.

tfg said...

You're making the right move, Dyck. Nothing says "no more hummers" like a wedding ring.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I notice how you haven't responded to the query about whether or not you indulge in the "windmill cock thing."

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - That reminds me. I need to use my free coupon at the miniature golf course.

Bacon Eggar/TFG - I'm not a big believer in jewelry for my bitches anyway. I prefer matching tattoos.