2/09/2007

R.I.P. Anna Nicole


The family of Anna Nicole Smith has asked me to say a few words in her memory.

What can one say about Anna Nicole Smith? She meant so much to so many. First, there was Anna Nicole the Playboy centerfold. My, how I whacked off to her photo back in the day. The boxes upon boxes of tissues, countless gallons of lotion, and the blisters - my God, the blisters! She was a breathtaking beauty...that is, until she turned in to a fatass junkie.

Then there was Anna Nicole the grieving widow who married an old geezer billionaire for his money. Or as Grandpa Dyckerson would say, she "used her twat to gold dig." Poor Nicole. She sucked that old dude's senior sausage and didn't live to see a dime for it. Hell, I'd turn into a meth addict too if that happened to me.

And last but not least, there was Anna Nicole the incompetent mother. Of course, her first kid croaked, and that's a damn shame. But a great deal of attention is being focused on her little baby what's-her-face. A lot of people are wondering who the father is. Some say it's some guy named Larry Brickhead. Others say it's radio shock jock Howard Stern. And a little while ago I heard a rumor that Rosie O'Donnell is throwing her cock in the ring.

I might have some of my facts mixed up, but who cares? The important thing is, Anna Nicole Smith is fucking dead. And I, Mighty Dyckerson, am still alive. Alive, well, and jerkin' my Gerkin to old Playboy magazines. So Anna Nicole, where ever you are, this pud's for you.


15 comments:

karla said...

There's no word yet on whether it was drugs, suicide, or something else, but I know this: If Anna Nicole had the slightest inkling you were masturbating to her image, it was definitely suicide. And I don't blame her.

the dude said...

There was also Anna the Trimspa spokeswoman, and Anna the drunk presenter of awards, and Anna the interviewee of many ET and Insider shows. But I see you just want to focus on the good things about her.

DykesDog said...

That's my baby!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Personally, I think Ol' Geezer Marshall's splooge had a time-elapsed effect and either caught up with her finally, or interacted with the meth and Trimspa with Red Bull chasers.

And speaking of splooge... you just know her poon saw just as much action after rigor mortis as it saw before...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - Get the sleeping pills ready. I just masturbated to your avatar.

Dude - Yes, she was truly a multifaceted individual. And she had large jugs.

Dyke - I'm masturbating to your avatar next. Woof!

Maven - Time released splooge, eh? Maybe he ejaculated little capsules.

Beth said...

is that all you do is jack off?

Crashtest Comic said...

FART IN THE WIND
(Elton John's stirring tribute to Anna Nicole)

Goodbye Anna Nicole
Though you came from a
Stripper’s pole…
You were special,
Not just some dumb hole.

Even when you gained 600 pounds
And people said you were gross
I said you weren’t
You just look like Luther Vandross.


(chorus)
And it seems to me, you lived your life
On reality TV
Never knowing if you were on pain-killers
Or PCP

And when you humped a 90-year old man
You thought you were free,
But you just moved the trailer trash
From the trailer to Beverly…

(…hills that is)

Crashtest Comic said...

fuck that dead cunt!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Beth - Give me a minute and I'll tell you.

CTC - Words escape me.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I used to pull some slab to her, way back when she was the Guess model. What a fall from grace she had!! Jeez, that sedated voice of her's will always haunt me. Now that I've heard her talk, I can't even wack to the archives like you, Dyk. Well, maybe one quick one, just to commemorate her . . .

puerileuwaite said...

What if she's stuck with that old Marshall geezer again; only in this place he's broke but CAN get an erection? That would be some wickedly funny shit.

Trimspa, baaaby!

tfg said...

Perhaps they will have a 21 lovegun salute at her funeral.

DykesDog said...

When I die I wonder what you will say about me or if you will even try to lay claim to any of my litters ...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. K - All my whacks are quick ones. My personal record is three seconds.

P - That's a reality show I'd like to see!

TFG - They better wrap the coffin in a giant rubber.

Dyke - You'll probably find out soon enough...

karla said...

My avatar just attempted suicide.