2/02/2007

I Work In A Dump

I love it when we get emails from the idiots who run our office building. An company memo may seem pretty dull to most folk, but they're a welcome distraction from my pointless job. And if you take the time to fully analyze the text, they can be quite entertaining and enlightening. I like to dissect each paragraph line by line, much like a second year med student might dissect the cadaver of a homeless man on a cool December morn. Here's an actual email I received recently, edited only for length. My comments are in red italics.


Below is a summary of work to be completed in [this building] over the next few months. This work should have very little impact on operations. In other words, just ignore the clamor from the jackhammers and power saws.

1. Chiller Rebuild Project: We have contracted with [so-and-so] to rebuild the chiller that cools the building. By rebuilding the unit now we avoid a unplanned shutdown during the summer months. It's quite a comfort to know that the people who control my oxygen supply for 45 hours a week refer to the HVAC system as a "chiller." Perhaps next year they'll get around to upgrading our "wetter" (a.k.a. indoor plumbing system).

Potential Impact: With the chiller off, we may need to pre-cool the building the night before so that it will not get too hot during the day. So you're saying the icicles hanging from my computer screen when I come to work in the morning should boil off by lunch time. Fabulous.

2. Energy Management System:
Currently the building does not have an energy management system, it is operated with a 1960's vintage pneumatic control system. Thanks for sharing. It's nice to know our well-being is in the hands of something that belongs on display in a museum. This project will be replacing this system with a new electronic energy management system. This will give us the ability to monitor and adjust the temperature in every suite remotely. This I like. I'll be able to turn my idiot boss's office into a meat locker with my garage door opener.

Potential Impact: This project will require that we remove every existing pneumatic thermostat and replace it with an electronic stat. Then wires will be run above the ceiling to connect all of these to the main EMS computer. Thanks for telling us exactly where these critical wires will be located. If any hackers want to fuck with the mainframe, they'll know precisely where to look.

3. Fluorescent Lighting Conversion: Currently the building is lighted with T-12, 3' fluorescent lamps with magnetic ballasts. These are in the process of being phased out by manufacturers. Great. More equipment that belongs in the Smithsonian. I guess that would explain my constant seizures and migraine headaches. The new lamps will be T-8 lamps with electronic ballasts. These use less energy to operate, run cooler, and should increase productivity. Increase productivity, eh? So no more excuses for taking a three hour nap every afternoon??

Potential Impact: Currently we are placing this out for bid so work will not start immediately. Great, electrical work being done by the lowest bidder. In a year, someone will plug in a toaster and the whole building will erupt into a massive fireball. This project will be completed after-hours by third party contractors. Please be extra cautious about leaving laptops or other valuable business or personal items unsecured overnight. They hired a bunch of illegal aliens they found hanging around the 7-Eleven parking lot this morning. They'll be searching our drawers and stealing our shit, so I better take my porn collection home with me. We will be monitoring access to our spaces for the duration of all of this work, but you should be made aware of the increased activity in our spaces during the overnight hours. They're paying a rent-a-cop five bucks an hour to watch the joint, but there's no guarantee he won't rob us as well.

We appreciate your patience as we work to improve our operation and bring our office into the 21st century. Didn't the prison down the street make all these upgrades ten years ago?? Better late than never, I guess.


Tune in for Mighty Dyckerson's Super Bowl Half-Time Special...that's Monday morning at 3am right here on The Mighty Blog!!!

15 comments:

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Can you get a picture of that vintage, 1960's machine?

Beth said...

dyckerson...you're crazy man. Just simply crazy. the world needs more like you...(look at me kissing up to you....I DO swallow....depending on what you've eaten lately, you know....funky spunk!)

~ Stacy ~ said...

Awww, poor Mr. Dyckerson. You were bored, eh?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. K - Sure thing. I'll snap a photo with my Brownie camera.

Beth - You're my kind of woman. I think I'm in love...

Stacy - Beats driving a forklift for a living.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Actually, I quit. Hence the lack of a 'forklift' poem. Although, I may write one yet, simply because I don't believe it's ever been done, and that presents a challenge.

Then again, I really don't give a shit. I suppose that disappoints you, given your penchant for piles of the brown stuff.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Whoa, wait a minute, just hold it right there! I didn't know I had a QUITTER in my midst! Explain yourself!

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyckerson,
Have I ever told you how much I adore and love you?! I've been sick as shit for over a week and you just brighten my day! I think we work in the same place. Do me a favor will you, take out the trash called the office bully.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke, you're so sweet to say that.

Now keep your fucking germs away from my blog!!!

jmeped said...

At least your "chiller" will have new filters. I work in a building from the 1920's and doubt they even know where it is. Judging from the fuzz dangling from the vents. Kind of like your shorts get when I'm not around.

~ Stacy ~ said...

Explain?

Okay, let me rephrase my previous statement. I fired my last employer, downsized... they were no longer needed. Is that clear enough for you?

It not, tough tooties.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped - Poor clowness. Let me come down there and bleach your filters.

Stacy - Alright, alright! Just asking. No need to get into a snit.

Baron Ectar said...

Looks like you may carry your work home with you some - whats that steaming pile of dump I see over there in the blue?!

tfg said...

Just as long as they don't fix the glory hole in the men's room, right? That would definitely take a chunk out of the Dyckerson budget.

andy said...

Dude, I hate homeless people.

~ Stacy ~ said...

My apologies. I didn't realize you were so sensitive.

[snicker]