2/20/2007

Cops Is So Stupid

They really, really are! Remember last month when I regaled you with the story of my speeding ticket? I was AMBUSHED in a fucking SCHOOL ZONE by an asshat with a radar gun. The RAT BASTARD wrote me a ticket for going a paltry 13mph over the speed limit. Fucking BULLSHIT. Grandpa Dyckerson drives faster than that coming home from the bingo parlor, and he's LEGALLY BLIND!!!

A lesser man would probably just pay the fine and move on with his life. But not I! Mighty Dyckerson never gives up without a fight...or at least a restraining order. So I decided to contest the ticket, and wouldn't you know it, today was the court date!

I arrived promptly at 11am, found my nomenclature on the docket, and entered the appropriate court room. I immediately spotted Officer Lugnut (the ticket writing weasel) in front, but I don't think he recognized me. I then took a seat on the hardest goddamn wooden bench I've ever seen in my life. Holy shit, could they possibly have worse seating??! Christ, I'll be picking splinters out of my ass crack for the next two weeks! So I sat and waited. And I waited and I waited and I waited. If you've ever wondered why the wheels of justice turn so slowly in this fucking country, just spend a day sitting in traffic court and witness the idiocy that is our legal system.

First, there was the spick who didn't speak a word of English. I'll call him Hector. Hector was charged with driving with an expired inspection sticker. A court room translator was on hand to facilitate the communication process...

Judge: Hector, you are charged with having an expired inspection sticker. How do you plead?
Translator: HECTOR, ELJUDGO ELCHARGO YOU WITH ELSTICKO DE LA INSPECTIONEZ EXPIREZ. ELGUILTY OR NO??

After ten minutes of this bullshit, a deputy brought out a dude in a khaki jump suit and handcuffs. Turns out he had been in jail over a month for "disorderly conduct" (i.e., mouthing off to a cop). A minor offense, but this guy decided he'd rather stay in the clink.

Judge: You've been in jail all this time? Why didn't you just post bail?
Defendant: I didn't want to.
Judge: Well you've served your time, so I'm going to let you out today providing you pay court costs. Is there anything you want to say to the officer you offended?
Defendant: Umm, no.
Judge: Don't you want to apologize??
Defendant: Nope.

This guy is my hero. Sure, he could've swallowed his pride and told the pig he was sorry. But he wasn't going to compromise his beliefs. And for that, he's now getting three squares a day and free cable TV. Not bad.

Countless others are paraded in and out of the court room over the course of an hour. Many of these poor souls were victims of Officer Lugnut. Fucking bastard must be trying to make Asshole of the Year. And the judge showed no mercy. I was starting to wish I had just paid the damn ticket.

Then something interesting happened. Officer Lugnut packed up his shit and hit the road! Strange, I thought. I figured he'd have to be there for my case. So then another cop went before the judge and they picked through his victims one by one. Then another cop went through the same routine.

FINALLY, after almost TWO GRUELING HOURS of this nonsense, they called my name and asked for my plea. Here's where I made my big mistake. Based on the outcomes of the previous cases, I figured I didn't stand a snowball's chance in Hades...so I said guilty.

Suddenly, mass confusion ensued. "Where's the arresting officer?" the judge asks the court clerk. "He already left," she replied. "Well why the fuck did he do that? He still has a case here!" The judge was not pleased.

Ladies and gentlemen, I tell you my eyes lit up like a Christmas bush. I don't know much about the law, but I do know that in these United States of America, one is innocent until proven guilty. And if the dumbass cop ain't there with his ticket and his copy of my Godawful driving record to show the judge, there ain't squat they can do about it.

"Alright, Mr. Dyckerson," the judge said defeatedly. "Tell me, how is your driving record?" This judge was totally OWNED. He knew it, I knew it, he knew I knew it, and I knew he knew it.

"Oh, spotless, your honor," I beamed with the biggest shit eating grin I could muster.

"Fine, I'll dismiss the charge upon successful completion of traffic school," he said.

Yeah, that's right. I gotta go sit through traffic school. I suppose it's better than (more) points on my DMV record, but the charge would have probably been dismissed entirely if I hadn't pleaded guilty like a dipshit. That just goes to show you, honesty is always the WORST policy. Especially in court. But I still consider this a small victory over the jackass cops and their Nazi speed traps.

So bottom line, you motherfuckers can soon expect a nice long post about my adventures in traffic school. Hell, I may even type it out right there in the classroom. It will give me something to do while the instructor is covering the History and Evolution of the U-Turn.

27 comments:

~ Stacy ~ said...

[chuckle]

You big wienie. You waited TWO hours just to plead 'guilty'??? You should've borrowed Mr. Nope's khaki jumpsuit. Apparently it makes the man.

Ah well, now you'll have 'traffic school' blog fodder. Looking forward to it, actually.

[snicker]

puerileuwaite said...

Just another example of "the man" trying to keep the Clown down.

We fully expect you to fuck with their wall charts and other nomenclature whenever the traffic school dweeb is out of the room. Take pictures. A secret video would be even sweeter.

And if you think the plankton you saw in court were scary, just wait until traffic school.

I fondly remember the one Einstein in my class, who bragged that his speeding ticket was for attempting to race over a well-known local span within 1-minute. What Stephen Hawking Jr. didn't realize was that in order to cover that particular stretch in 1-minute, he would have to maintain a speed of 300mph.

andy said...

This reminded me of that super-intense part of A Few Good Men! LOL! :p I Love movies!!! hee-Hee!
That Tom Cruise is such a card!!! LMAO!!!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Ahhh, please allow me to draw your attention to #4 of the The 48 Laws of Power.

Baron Ectar said...

Hell should have just sit in jail like your hero!

I at least hope your teacher is hot.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Are you sure you didn't plead "not guilty"?

tfg said...

You should have called the judge a nancyboy for wearing that black dress.

Beth said...

you will totally put your mojo on the teacher...man or woman!

learn how to drive dyckerson!!!

karla said...

Quit crying. All the times you've bought coke, stolen from old ladies, sold children into sexual slavery, and druged and date-raped college co-eds, you never got caught. Finally you get busted for one tiny thing and you're whining like a bitch.

Get rid of that annoying pulsing wallpaper.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - I'm looking forward to traffic school as well. I'm hoping they'll teach me how to drive a forklift.

P - 300mph?? Please, I drive faster than that in parking lots.

Andy - Tom Cruise is a card alright - a queen, I'm guessing.

Maven - Where were you when I needed you??!

Bacon - I hope so too. Maybe I'll get her to yield to my right of way, if you know what I'm saying...

Snay - Of course I'm sure. I'm not a fucking idiot.

TFG - I couldn't hardly do that. I was wearing a red dress.

Beth - You just worry about that money pit of a house you're buying.

Ms. Babble - You got me all wrong. I SOLD coke, BOUGHT children to use as slaves, STOLEN college coeds, and DATE RAPED old ladies.

Jackass Jenn said...

Traffic School Question: You're driving up a mountain road, the speed limit is 45 but the teenage kid in his mother's minivan is new to driving and only going 35 mph. What do you do?

Answer: Ride his ass and honk.

My sister got that one wrong. Live and learn. (and yes, I was in traffic school with her... apparently the parents didn't teach any of us to drive well.)

Pud said...

I hear traffic school is fun. You get to learn all the various ways to drink and drive.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

JJ - Any fool knows that's wrong. The correct answer is, you pull out a Glock and blow the bastard off the road.

Pud - Hell, I could teach that class!

jmeped said...

I have tried to leave you a breathy comment for two days now, and no luck. You'll just have to use your imagination and come to your own conclusion about what I said to you....

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm guessing it had something to do with bleach...

Gucci Muse said...

Hmm... traffic school....I remember from years ago, while driving down the southern coast of CA in a bright red rental car with the green ENTERPRISE sticker on the back end of the car, attracting the attention of a CHips chimp on a motorcycle, who stopped me to hand deliver to me an invitation to Traffic School, with the option to pick the one that tickled my fancy.....So, I went to the Improv Comedy Traffic School....and sat there bored out of my f'in MIND!!!!!!!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Was it Ponch or John?

Me said...

Hello Mighty Dyckerson. That story was bullshit.

jmeped said...

Nope. I'm pretty sure it had to do with something filthy, and not clean...

~ Stacy ~ said...

Mister Dyckerson I'm quite concerned about your health and welfare. Perhaps you should consider counseling for that freaky forklift fetish of yours?

Just a suggestion.

Gucci Muse said...

Nope. It was Jose, as in San Jose.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Bostack - Where the fuck have you been??

Jmeped - Even better!

Stacy - But I love forklifts! If only I knew someone who drove one for a living.

Gucci - That was going to be my third guess.

DykesDog said...

You sit there TWO hours to plead guilty!!! Traffic school oh how I feel so sorry for your teacher already ...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Nobody said anything about the "spick" comment? Well, I'll chalk that up as Dyk, just being tongue-and-cheek, right?

Glad you beat the rap! Fuck that copper and his school zone. He probably had to go bang some guy's wife. I hate fucking cops.

Randomness said...

I cannot believe that you still plead "guilty" after the cop left...what were you thinking. It just makes me laugh b/c you were there to stick it to the man...and you didn't even "stick it to him" when he wasn't in front of you. However, I love following your blogs, they kill me and I can't wait to hear about your traffic class.

Crashtest Comic said...

My favorite episode of COPS is when this cop car is chasing a suspicious vehicle in a residential neighborhood. The criminals thought they'd outsmart the police by hiding their drugs in a bible...


Unfortunately they threw the whole bible out the car window!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyke - I may teach my own class.

Dr. K - More likely he wanted to get to Krispy Kreme before they turned off the neon sign.

Randomness - Yes, I was a fool. I was afraid that if I said not guilty, he would start asking me questions or poking into my record, and I sure as hell didn't want that.

CTC - Isn't that every episode of Cops??