2/11/2007

Close Encounters

I have been traumatized.

I know what's going through your little heads right now. "Oh, there goes Dyckerson again. Making a big deal out of something trivial and mundane, just to call attention to himself and get a few cheap laughs." Well you would be wrong, my retarded friends. For this is no laughing matter. You see, the security of my home has been compromised. My life is in danger. I am afraid to sleep at night.

It all started yesterday at approximately 3:30pm Eastern Standard Time. I was sitting in my living room eating a can of Crisco and enjoying an episode of Square Pegs on DVD. Just a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon diversion. All is well, until I noticed movement in my back yard through the corner of my eye. "What could this be," I asked myself as I wiped the excess Crisco from my chin. I stood, walked over to the window, and peered outside. Laying on the ground in the center of my yard was a round, red, ball-like object. It was a rather large object, apparently made of some type of rubberized material and inflated with an inert gas. "Dyckerson," I said to myself, "You don't own a large round red object." I was befuddled. I mean, how could such an item end up in my fenced-in back yard?

My first theory: It fell from an plane. I immediately picked up the phone and called the FAA. They insisted no aircraft have passed over my domicile in the last ten hours. I then asked if they had any recent reports of UFO sightings in my area. Dead silence, and then a dial tone. I have a feeling they were trying to cover something up, and I was making them nervous.

Before I could conjure up another theory, I once again saw movement in my yard. It was the rear gate, and it was opening. "Holy shit," I thought. "Aliens have come to reclaim their space orb and probe me anally!!!" Then, a head peaked through the opening in the gate. What I saw next was so horrifying, I'll never be able to erase the image from my head.



From my window, I watched undetected as the head scanned my yard and zeroed in on the space orb object. The gate opened further, and the strange creature's body revealed itself to me like a cheap whore's twat on a Friday night. As I studied the creature, I was amazed at small it was, yet how strikingly similar it was to humans. It had two eyes, two ears, a nose, a mouth, and blond hair...and it appeared to be covered in some sort of loose fabric material.

Before I could retrieve my trusty camera phone, the eerie humanoid being scurried over to the ball, snatched it up with his hand-like appendages and ran out of my yard through the gate. Where it went next, I may never know. All I do know is, that sinister space creature may someday return to finish me off.

Pray for my soul, Dyckerson fans. Pray for my soul.

13 comments:

Pud said...

The little shit couldn't ask for permission first to enter your yard? What if they got caught in the bear traps you set back there?

Crunchy BC said...

Next time, fling your old LPs at them (I'm told that Dire Straits is particularly effective).

~ Stacy ~ said...

[heh]

You said, "befuddled."

Just Photoshop in a bunch of your turd icons near the gate, and those space-orb lovin' aliens will choose another yard to infiltrate.

Square Pegs: That show was like, so totally awesome, you know.

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tfg said...

Actually, there is one form of effective defense against that type of alien: Catholic priests.

Lux Lisbon said...

I love it, uhm, I mean hate it! when I get probed anally by aliens.

Baron Ectar said...

Damn did your nose fall off again Clown.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pud - Seriously. Send a few Iraqi terrorists my way. I have a little job for them to take care of.

BC - I'm not sacrificing my Dire Straights records for that.

Stacy - Too much trouble. How about I just take a dump in front of the gate??

TFG - There's never one around when you need them.

Lux - I wouldn't mind probing you myself, if you know what I mean...

Bacon Eggar - Dude, that was almost funny! What happened to the sensitive Bacon??

Aza said...

This is one of the only posts I've read here that actually freaked me out a little.

tfg said...

Out of curiousity, that mysterious red sphere wasn't one of your missing Ben Wa balls, was it?

puerileuwaite said...

It just might be time for you to teach that little alien a lesson with a bit of anal probing payback.

DykesDog said...

Mighty Dyckerson,
The word gate is a little hard to read. I wonder if these friends of yours just have restless leg syndrome and were out looking for some relief ... they saw your blog on it and thought that you were the all knowing on the creepy crawlys ...

Manola Blablablanik said...

Oh, when you said red ball I thought you were going to talked about chafed testicles.