2/25/2007

I Am An Ass Man




Today I would like to talk to you about asses. You know, butts. Cans. Tushies. Booties. We all have them. One would think that we as a culture would have similar opinions regarding their significance in our lives. Yet when it comes to asses, we are split down the middle.

Many of us view asses as nothing more than a device to hold up our pants and connect our legs to our torsos. An exit for feces and an entrance for penises. But then there are those who prefer form over function. They study their shapes and share their observations with their peers. They say things like "Hey, check out the ass on that bitch," and so on. But I've never really been much of an ass man. Asses were always incidental to me. Give me a cute face and a nice set of tits and I'm happy. But not anymore.

I recently encountered what has to be the world's most perfect ass. It was attached to a lovely blonde chick with whom I work at a freelance job. She's a moderately attractive young woman - nothing spectacular - but I had never gotten a good view of her from behind until last week. Holy shit, let me tell you I am a changed Dyckerson.

Allow me to expound upon this miracle ass. This is an ass of exceptional quality. An ass of such roundness and precision, it should be worshipped and celebrated by all who behold it. An ass possessing a breath taking beauty that mere words cannot describe. An ass that, if you were walking down the street and saw it, you would fall to your knees and weep. A piece of art so exquisite, so magnificent, it deserves its own museum. If you took the best features from every ass that ever existed in the world and morphed them into one super ass, this ass would still be a thousand times better.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want this ass with every fiber of my being. If this ass were in my home, I would spend my remaining days on this Earth admiring its splendor and caressing its gentle curves. And I would spend my nights with my head perched atop its cushiony cheeks like an angel hovering above a puffy white cloud, dreaming dreams of bliss while drool oozes slowly from my mouth and into that superb crack, forming a river of sweet nectar surrounded by two fleshy banks of pure goodness.

The U.S. Mint should hire this woman and require that every new coin be bounced atop her ass before being placed into circulation, and the distance of the bounce should be measured with pinpoint accuracy and engraved upon the coin for historical purposes.

This ass is worthy of more than just poetry. This ass should have its own language, its own state holiday, perhaps its own religion. I've never been a churchgoing man, but I'd be there every Sunday if this ass was hanging above the pulpit.

An ass of this magnitude should not relief itself upon some common, ordinary toilet. This ass deserves a solid gold throne, jewel encrusted, with a seat made of the softest velvet and a bowl filled with Perriere. The turds should then be extracted with the greatest of care and preserved in formaldehyde so that scientists may study and learn from them.

One thing I left out when I was describing the ass. It slopes down and outward from her lower back like an awning, but more rounded. A midget could seek shelter under this ass in a rainstorm and never get wet. Now I'm not saying it's a large ass, because it isn't. It's just not the kind of ass you'd expect from a chick of her size. It is an ass of character, with a personality all its own.

I want to taste this ass. I want to lick it, suck it, and bite it. Then I want to smack it, squeeze it, and pinch it. I want to knead it like dough. I want to place edible items upon its surface and eat them without using my hands. I want this ass to sit on my face and flatulate directly into my nostrils. I want to inhale its aroma until it fills my lungs. I want this ass to completely consume my body.

I wish I had a picture of this ass to share with you, but even if I did, it still wouldn't do it justice. This ass must be experienced to be appreciated. I pity each of you, because I know in my heart you'll never know an ass like this.

18 comments:

puerileuwaite said...

I have a roll of quarters that I would like to volunteer for the bounce test.

Oh, and word: just make sure it's an ACTUAL solid gold throne, and not a tuba. Trust me. Lesson learned, with day-after hangover to prove it.

Does she happen to own a bicycle? If so, where does she park it?

tfg said...

So, are you going to talk about this Ass of Asses, or are you going to tap it?

Aza said...

*blush* thanks for the mention.

karla said...

You could have just left off the last word of the title of this post, and left it at "I am an ass."

Gucci Muse said...

Even though you pity us for never knowing an ASS like that, we can revel in the fact we know an ASS like you. :) :) :) :)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

P - Sounds like you're more of a BRASS man. Get it? Tuba?? Brass???

TFG - You don't "tap" an ass like this. This ass is to be revered and respected. It must be savored and celebrated like.....Hell yeah, I'm gonna tap it.

Aza - Nicely done.

Ms. Babble - You're just jealous because I left YOUR ass at the altar.

Gucci - Stop, you'll make me blush!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I too work with a girl with a great BEhind that you could set a remote control on, like a shelf, but I don't know if I could write sonnets about it like you, so it must not compare to your nice-ass-coworker. I certainly don't have any interest in inhaling her farts, but I will say I laughed my ass off at that part.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dr. K - This isn't that kind of ass at all. If you saw this ass, you would throw out your remote control and your TV along with it. This ass is the only entertainment center you'll ever need again.

It's Me, Maven... said...

So we're talking Mount Rushmore worthy? Or just bishop beating worthy? I doubt it if your powder blue tux can handle much more splooge...

andy said...

It's a lot funnier if you read it a second time and think about a donkey who is running for some sort of office.

"it is an ass of character..."

Beth said...

I'm sure you have a camera on your phone dyckerson, cuz you're a freak like that...so take a picture of this ass and lets see it...let's see this perfection. Should I show you mine? My farts smell like old potato chips....

Manola Blablablanik said...

Wow, who knew? Dyckerson has a tender, poetic side.

~ Stacy ~ said...

So you've found an ass to admire. Uhhh... how nice for you. Even clowns need a hobby.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - More like Mount St. Helens. (It has been known to erupt occasionally.)

Andy - That's what I was writing about. What were YOU thinking the first time??

Beth - Actually, I was going to try to do that and surprise everyone. Thanks for spoiling it for everyone, dammit.

Manola - Yeah whatever. Show me your ta-tas. And your ass.

Stacy - It's more than a hobby. It's an obsession.

DykesDog said...

Hell now I have that song, "ass like that" in my head, thanks! Hey I'll be on vacation for a couple of weeks, don't ban me while I'm gone! I'll try to post some nice San Juan ass for ya!

Badoozie said...

i just hope for your sake, you never see this ass unclothed, because chances are it would not live up to it's clothed beauty. sometimes asses are pockmarked, covered with hair, zits, or warts. or worse? cellulite, that is cleverly concealed under the most expensive of undergarments. be careful, be careful what you bow down to!!

tkkerouac said...

come take a look at my ass.

tkkerouac said...

well, its my daughter Raymis ass I mean.