Do you know how many movies I saw last year that were nominated?? ZERO. Do you know how many I'm going to see as a result of last night's shmooze fest?? The same number I mentioned before. In fact, I only watch and indie films like Trailer Town and Period Piece.
I think the tide turned for me the year Titanic won umpteen awards despite the fact that it was a piece of shit - the year that cocky prick Jimmy Cameron lept to the stage shouting "I'm king of the world!" No Jimmy, you're not. You're the king of arrogance and pomposity. Do you realize how much the budget was for that shipwreck? Something like FIVE HUNDRED TRILLION DOLLARS. Christ, for that kind of money, you CAN'T HELP but make a good movie. They basically rebuilt the Titanic to scale. Then they built an ocean to float it on. (They were going to use the Atlantic, but Sir Cameron decided it wasn't realistic enough.) And in spite of the effort, the only decent part of that whole fucking movie was the scene where Kate Winslet shows her boobs.
Of course, the big deal this year was the international theme. Listen, I don't like it when the illegal spicks steal our jobs and take our money back to Mexico. And I SURE AS HELL don't like it when some greaseball or frog takes our golden statuettes out of the country. I say KEEP THE OSCARS AT HOME!! Nobody wants to see their artsy fartsy Euroshit anyway. You know what I want when I go to a movie? Tits and ass. Explosions and car crashes. I want to see Rachel McAdams getting pounded in the pooter while on board an airplane that's about to crash into a day care center full of retarded children.
And what the hell is the deal with that Helen Degenerate? Who's the fucktard who thought she'd make a good host? I don't want some red carpet muncher dressed like a theater usher trying to act all cute. Hey, let's go backstage and make hand puppets in front of the projector! Hey, let's go into the audience and make fun of the seat fillers! Brilliant shit. If they were smart, they'd bring back the only decent host the Oscars have ever had: David Letterman. Who could ever forget his famous "Oprah/Uma" schtick?? Now that's comedy with a capital K.
And then there's the shit we put up with every year. Like that red carpet crapola. What, the stars are so fucking precious that we can't allow their shoes to become soiled? You want me to watch the Oscars, make those bastards walk through a bed of hot coals. We'll see how fucking talented they really are.
Then there's the acceptance speech nonsense. I don't give a damn about your wonderful mom or your courageous wife who's battling tit cancer or the superb cast or the tireless crew or the great folks at Miramax who "had a vision" and green lighted your piece of shit movie. When the winners take the stage, I want them noosed up like Saddam. If they take any longer than FIVE SECONDS to say their piece, a trap door opens beneath them and that's that. For extra fun, place a bomb in one of the Oscars, and mix them up before the show so nobody knows which one it's in. Rig the bomb to be moisture sensitive, so the flop sweat from the winner's hands will set it off during their speech. That'll keep me tuned in for sure.
Then there's all the montage and musical tribute idiocy. How fucking in love with yourselves can you possibly be? Here's an idea for a musical bit. Put a giant mirror on stage and make all the nominees masturbate to their own reflections while the band plays that "I Am Beautiful" song by Christina Aguilera. The first one to finish gets a Lifetime Conceited Award rammed up their assholes by yours truly.
And who fucking cares who died last year? I don't need to see their pictures again - I know what they looked like. You want to impress me? Let's see a montage of people who are LIKELY TO DIE in 2007. Peter O'Toole would surely be at the top of the list. Hell, if I had a name like "Peter O'Toole," I'd kill myself anyway.
Remember the year Jack Palance did the one armed push-ups when he won for Shane? And that foreign fruitcake who did the cartwheel in the aisle a few years back? I'd like to see more of that...only make them do some REAL exercises. Let's see Jennifer Hudson do a hundred squat thrusts. Have Martin Scorsese do some ab crunches. These clowns should have to WORK for their prize.
You know, if they gave out Oscars for blogs, I'd have a mantle full of the little gold bastards. But I don't need an annual pat on the back or a hunk of metal to recognize my excellence. The Mighty Blog speaks for itself each and every day.