1/30/2007

Taking Out The Trash

Becoming a Mighty Blog affiliate list is a daunting task. It takes hours - sometimes even days - of intense ass kissing to even be considered for inclusion in the prestigious list of blog links that adorn my sidebar. Even then, affiliate status cannot be awarded until I and my distinguished panel of reviewers have painstakingly examined the candidate blog in excrutiating detail. Our standards are the absolute highest, as we look for such criteria as:

1. Gratuitous use of profanity
2. Explicit descriptions or images of nudity and/or sex acts
3. Crude bathroom humor
4. A basic understanding of English
5. General filth, depravity, and offensiveness

And most importantly:

6. REGULAR, SOMEWHAT FREQUENT UPDATES

I'm happy to report that most (if not all) of the Mighty Blog affiliates contain at least one of the first five elements. (Of course, Bostick's blog contains all of them.) However, a few of my affiliates have been lacking in that most important of criteria. In other words, THEY HAVEN'T POSTED DIDDLY SHIT IN MONTHS!!!

Take Minwah, for example. Minwah hasn't updated her blog since October 11, 2006, when she proclaimed that she was "still alive." Well, that remains to be seen...because MINWAH HASN'T UPDATED HER BLOG SINCE OCTOBER 11, 2006. Fuck it, she's off the affilates list. It's a damn shame too. Bitch had talent.

Then there's Judi. Judi's blog hasn't been updated since her half-assed Thanksgiving post from November 23, 2006. You'd think that between Judi and her life partner Stench, they'd be able to crank out a half decent post at least once a week. But NOOOOOO. In fact, the only part of her blog that sees any action is the chat hole, and even that is on life support. So Judi is now officially on notice: Post something within 72 hours or you will lose your status as a Mighty Blog affiliate!!

Let that be a lesson to the rest of you. If I catch any of you rat bastards slacking off and neglecting your blogging duties, I will be opening up a can of Whoopi Goldberg.

What was that I heard you say? You're too busy?? BULLSHIT. I understand we all have busy times in our lives. Take me, for example. Last night when my wife and children were killed in a horrible car accident, I went nearly ONE HOUR without checking my blog. And I felt guilty about that the whole time I was digging their shallow graves in my back yard. But guess what. Here I am.

Wait a minute, what was that?? You say you don't have anything to write about?? DUH. I haven't had anything to write about in over a year. But that doesn't stop me from updating my blog at least two or three times a week. Anything is fair game, so use your imagination! Maybe you found a penny in the supermarket parking lot. Or perhaps you had an especially memorable bowel movement. Or maybe you ate a potato chip that looked like Eric Estrada. Tell us about it!!

And a final word: The Mighty Blog is always accepting applications for new affiliates. If you wish to join this exclusive group of disgusting, offensive blogs, tell me why I should add your link in 100 words or less.


23 comments:

Pud said...

Yeah...what the fuck is going on in the blog world?!? Everyone has suddenly burned out on blogging. I'm trying to post and comment the best I can and I'm dealing with shitty Iraqi Internet connection!

tfg said...

How weird. My BMs consist of nothing but pennies. As you might imagine, this is invaluable in checkout lines.

puerileuwaite said...

Good point. I'll start on my new post about how I'll no longer use the "Take a Penny, Leave a Penny" tray after reading tfg's comment.

Jodi said...

Oh buggering hell. Eat a dick, Dyck. I mean that with the most love that I can give ... really.

andy said...

Phew. Thank Jehosophats I got on there before the '100 words or less' rule.

I have copied your list of 5 and I will keep them handy at all times so as to please the network my friend. You have reminded me of how infrequently I say fuck or talk about penny bm's. Your civic-duty-filling-ity is never-ending.

andy said...

OH, and after seeing Jumping Jack Flash on TNT again last nite, my fear is renewed of said can of Whoopi Goldberg.

blog Portland said...

As usual, your post gave me a half stiffy. Although this time the blame has to be shared equally by both Whoopi and Erik.

Manola Blablablanik said...

I Am so proud to be part of the Mighty Blog Affiliate program! How can anyone think to jeapardize this honor!

DykesDog said...

So I guess this means if I get murdered and thrown in the woods that you would really dump my ass?!

Beth said...

I give a hell of a blow job....that should get me in, right?

RevRee said...

As your part time internets wife, I was crushed to see you alphabetize your blogging line up and I ended up half way down in the middle someplace.

You're lucky I still let you see Dyck Jr.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Pud - You don't need to comment. Just stay naked.

TFG - Brings new meaning to the phrase "penny pincher."

P - Makes cents to me.

Judi - I didn't know you cared!

Andy - Well done. You're good people.

McFatty - What do you get when you combine Whoopi Goldberg and Erik Estrada?? CHOCOLATE CHiPS!!!

Manola - Some people just don't know a good thing when they have it. Now show me your ta-tas.

Dyke - Nah, I'd just leave it for the buzzards.

Beth - Only if you swallow...

Rev - Change the name of your blog to "A Blog By RevRee" - then you'll be on top!

karla said...

It must have been very recently that you changed your policy to state that getting added to the blogroll requires lots of begging on the part of the person to be added. I know when you added me to your links list, it was only after YOU begged ME for almost a year and half to let you add me, sometimes calling me 5 or 6 times a night to weep openly into the phone. I restated my position time and time again--that I try not to associate with any blogger that's been arrested more than twice for lewd acts with children--but your sobbing and begging eventually broke me down. At any rate, it's nice to see that you've gotten a grip on yourself, and not just while parked across the street from the playground.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Admit it, crazy babbler! Your blog traffic has SEXTUPLED since you became a Mighty Blog affiliate. Of course, most of the extra traffic comes from prisoners, potheads, and pedophiles. But hey, beggars can't be choosers!!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Put me on your EFFing list. I meet your criteria, with special emphasis on being a potty mouth, AND I post daily.

That all being said, I do a cheezy meme thing Thursday Thirteen, and this week, I've got up 13 "essential blog posts" to read to get to know me.

Perhaps I've said to much...

~ Stacy ~ said...

Your blogging dedication is most commendable, Mister Dyckerson. We pale in comparison to your greatness. You are an amazingly talented, incredibly witty, sexy-as-all-get-out, stupendous, poop-loving, clown with virile hands.

I thank you for the prestigious honor of being included as a Mighty Dyckerson affiliate. Without you, there would be no one to lau-- er, no piles of cr-- uhh, well, shit... It just wouldn't be the same without you.

We like you, Mister Dyckerson. We really like you!

(Okay, now fork over the $200 for my couch therapy. I do believe I've completely lost my mind.)

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Maven - Done. I expect the favor to be returned.

Stacy - Relax, you're already on the list. Now when do I get my forklift poem??

Willo Keays said...

Because I have big ta-ta's and you love it when I stalk you!

Mel said...

so thats what it takes hey?

see, I hardly have anyone on my blogroll because quite honest..

I'm too fuckin lazy to create a link.

There you have it.
So I have to kiss your ass hey? Christ! Might help if you washed it once in a while you know??

jmeped said...

You know this was really meant for me. Admit you miss me and post your blove for me and we can move on. What do I have to do to stay in good graces? Besides that. And that. That too. Oh, and motherfucking whore bag. That should do it.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Will do!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jmeped, I love it when you talk dirty to me!

BeckyD said...

I post a ton of shit almost every day, and most of it is meaningless drivel. When I get on a good roll about the ex or the Fucking cunt he's living with, I can cuss to make a sailor blush.

I am not about bribery or begging, and like Beth, I give an awesome blow job, and I contain the mess.