The Legend of the 13 Thumbtacks

My cubicle walls at work are adorned with an unlucky number of thumbtacks. Some people call them push pins, but that's gay. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss at great length the story of my thumbtacks.

First, the colors. Two of my thumbtacks are blue. Two are red. Two are yellow. And the remaining seven thumbtacks are white in nature. Each one of my thumbtacks has its own distinct reason for being.

One of my white thumbtacks holds up a list of important phone numbers which I never use. For example, the guy who took over my old position as FTP Manager. Why the hell would I ever need to call him? If anything, he should be calling me...like to find out why yesterday I changed all his FTP passwords to "ILIKEBIGWEINERS."

Another one of my thumbtacks holds up a yellow Post-It brand note. I honestly don't remember what the note is for, nor can I even read it. I would throw it away, but you know Murphy's Law. The day I throw it away will be the very day all the Post-It notes in the world turn into priceless gold. (Aha!!! I got you, didn't I??! You thought I was going to say I might need that note someday, but I pulled the ole switcheroo on your ass!! Stupid motherfuckers!!!)

My third white thumbtack is used to hold up a three-column list of client names and source IDs. I'm quite proud of this list, as I created it myself using the popular Excel software by Microsoft. Took me three weeks to get the cell borders exactly the way I wanted them. I keep this document mounted right beside my monitor, so that I may admire its beauty and perfection.

We all could learn a lot from my two blue thumbtacks. Together they work in peace and harmony, equally sharing the burden of a large list of upcoming dates. For example, January 19th. And April 23rd. And July 9th. These dates have absolutely no significance in my personal or professional life. I just happen to like them. One time a jackass asked me about my list of upcoming dates. I told him to go fuck himself. That jackass doesn't bother me anymore. So I guess maybe those dates are significant after all.

Oh, did I mention I use one of my thumbtacks for personal grooming? I did not think so. I use one of my white thumbtacks to pick at my cuticles and clean the shit that accumulates under my fingernails. It hurts like hell when I do this, but yet I can't stop. My fingers are always red and swollen, and my nails are all split and cracked. But no pain, no gain, I always say.

The remaining seven thumbtacks are on standby. Awaiting their destiny, as it were. You may be wondering why I don't use the extra thumbtacks to help support the other documents. Well that is fucking bullshit. I'm not one of those thumbtack Nazis who wastes for thumbtacks to hold up a single sheet of paper. That's not how I roll. In my book, one document equals one thumbtack (except in rare circumstances, such as the case with my giant list of upcoming dates).

You may be interested to know I used to have more thumbtacks. But one of the thumbtack Nazis stole them. I never did find out who it was...and to this day, the thieving thug threatens me with his thirst for my thirteen thumbtacks. Now, at the end of every business day, I lock my surplus thumbtacks in a drawer for safekeeping. Then the next day, I retrieve the thumbtacks and display them with pride...as if to say to the thumbtack Nazi, "Look at all these thumbtacks! They're MINE and YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!!!"

I need help.


Anonymous said...

If that thieving thumbtack thug threatens to thwart you again, I'll thump 'em thoroughly, throttle his thyroid, then thrash the thoughtlessness out of 'em, while thumping 'em thirty times before throwing thornsberry down his thick throat, thereby increasing his thirst for therapy... instead of thumbtacks.

Whaddaya think? Theoretically, it's theasible, right. Uh. ...feasible.

Btw, that ol' switcheroo... you totally had me.

Could you, um... let go now? I need to untwist my tongue.

Anonymous said...

yes, ...yes you do need help. What kind of job do you have that you can assign certain jobs to your, uh.."thumbtacks"..?

Never mind, I really don't need to know.

Anonymous said...

Mighty Dyckerson,
I'm now sitting here looking at my thumbtacks ... great now I need help!

Anonymous said...

Heh. At least you're not sitting ON your thumbtacks, Dykesdog.

Little Lamb said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

You can change one of the dates to April 3rd, This is the day I was born. You can push pin that up on your board of semi feel like your important BS. You can also push pin a poem you wrote professing you blove for my bleaching skillz. You really do need help my poor clown.....

Little Lamb said...

Yes, Dycko, you do need help.

the dude said...

I feel the same way about syringes.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Stacy - Thanks for your thucking comment.

Beth - Some questions are best left unanswered.

Dyke - Do you talk to your thumbtacks too?

Comment Deleted - Response deleted.

Jmeped - My sweet little Georgia peach lesbian. I shall have your date of birth tattooed on my scrotom in honor of you.

Anonymous said...

Then the next day, I retrieve the thumbtacks and display them with pride...as if to say to the thumbtack Nazi, "Look at all these thumbtacks! They're MINE and YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!!!"

Son, I think the pork rinds are fucking with your head.

Anonymous said...

Don't you just luuurvvve your PUSH PINZZZZZZZZ? Push! Pins!

So, do you have different color paper clips and what are THEIR job titles?

Anonymous said...

MY thumbtacks are pewter .. and some of them are flowers, some of them are peace signs and some of hem are happy faces. MY thumbtacks are far superior to your piddly plastic ones.

So there. Who needs help NOW?

Oh ... that would be me. Never mind.

Anonymous said...

Remember the menendez soap opera that was on court TV? The brothers claimed that their parents poked them with thumbtacks in their private parts. The defense attorney called them push-pens during the trial and caused them to lose the entire damn case. Now they are rotting in jail.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

TFG - Suck my dead pig!!!!!!

Irish - Paper clips are so passe. I use staples.

Willo - Your thumbtacks are gay.

Bistock - No, I don't remember that.

Anonymous said...


You're so thunny!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I got here via ACW.

April 23rd is Shakespeare's birthday. Is that useful at all?

Nah, didn't think so. Sorry.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Welcome, Mr. Pants. No, that wasn't useful.

April 23rd is actually the birthday of one of my ex-bitches. Every year I go to her house and leave a fresh turd on her front porch. That cunt.

Maria de los Angeles said...

Well surely you can use one of the seven to hang your codpiece. It's need airing once in a while!

Anonymous said...

Huh ... April 23rd is the day I married my first husband .. 1990. Hey - that wasn't YOU was it?

karla said...

It sucks having nothing to blog about, doesn't it?

Dave said...

How can you not remember that? How old are you boy?

mist1 said...

I don't have any thumbtacks. My doctor says that I shouldn't play with anything sharp.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Ms. Babble - Wait til next week's post about my toenail clippings.

Bestuck - Older than you, it appears...but I look much younger.

Mist1 - Then stay away from Ms. Babble's head! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!